Ego: do you need it to perform?
How come you do it for yourself?
In the beginning, you did things to learn for yourself. For example, you learn to walk for yourself. You want to walk. You see people around you doing this and you then want to do the same
Then when you do something you get a lot of appreciation and recognition. People get happy, start laughing, maybe clap maybe you get a candy. You don't always know why you get this.
Because sometimes you also do things that just get ignored or get negative attention. At least not the attention you thought you were getting.
My achievements are linked to feelings of appreciation and recognition, and some achievements are linked to punishment. “You can do this, but you can’t do that.” That’s how my ego is formed. As a result, I find performing important because that’s how I receive recognition. If I do something well, I’m appreciated, and if I don’t do something well, I’m not.
I get attention, but not necessarily the bit of appreciation and recognition I'm looking for.
So at some point this is linked to performance. If I perform then it is good, if I don't then it is not good.
Initially, this is very convenient. This is because it makes you persevere and motivated to achieve certain goals for which other people "reward" you with attention, but it can also make you consider tasks for which you do not get rewards from other people less important[1], such as doing your tax return properly.
Over time, this can lead to all sorts of problems, such as the feeling that it’s never good enough, becoming a perfectionist , or even experiencing burnout.
It can also go the other way—namely, the mindset that “it’s never good enough anyway,” “I’m not going to perform anymore,” and “I’m becoming depressed.” Now I don’t get any recognition because I’m not accomplishing anything, so I’m worth nothing.
You often see this kind of linkage coming back later, even though this is something that originated from your childhood days. The period when you are really still a baby. This does not mean that as a parent you should not do this, it is in our nature to reward achievement in children. Only then in adult life do we let go of achievements a bit. But then change your behavior again?
Until you are +- 20 years old, you are in school and busy performing. Then when you have accomplished all kinds of things you can get the feeling of "is this all?".
Even in sports, you see that always performing better stops at some point, so after age 30.
If those achievements are tied to your ego or something similar, it could lead to a midlife crisis or something like that.
When you want to transcend this, or when you just want to do something different. Then you are still doing something, but instead of doing it for appreciation from others, you are doing it for satisfaction for yourself.
Instead, you start looking for something for meaning. Imagine that you get great satisfaction from playing guitar, but you don't necessarily have to go on stage. You do it purely for yourself. For example, you want to get better, but it is for yourself. It's not about performing, it's not about appreciation, but it's just about you wanting to get better to get self-satisfaction.
For example, you sometimes see artists who aren’t at all happy about all the praise they receive. As soon as they step off the stage, they become depressed, and in their hotel rooms, they turn to drugs.
But fortunately, there are also artists who actually get satisfaction from their work and their performances. Who become happy regardless of whether they have an audience or not. It's just something they enjoy doing, regardless of whether they get appreciation for it.
When you succeed in this you have transcended your ego because you then focus, direct, your attention to what makes sense to you now and what gives meaning to you. When you focus your attention or performance on that, it can't go wrong otherwise and that you suddenly have a midlife crisis, burnout or whatever.
Because you're doing something you think is cool. Whether you get credit for this or not.
The likelihood of success then also increases because you do this with passion. And then the trick is to go back to meaning to hold on to this tof-finding to keep it from becoming an ego thingy.
Be sure to listen to this podcast as well:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/1257800-je-ego-is-top
Ego by others is a trap
In addition, scientists have established a link between narcissism and the growth of the ego. In other words, it’s a trap: receiving praise from others boosts your ego in the short term, but this is unsustainable in the long run and can even be harmful to yourself and to the others who helped you achieve this inflated ego[2].
This is also reflected in my rant that you can eventually get burnout if your ego depends on other people's appreciation.
In addition, having an overly large ego can also make you more aggressive. Suppose that over the years you’ve come to believe that you’re an amazing person. You’re great, fantastic, and good at what you do—maybe not quite the best, but that’s what you think.
If someone points this out to you, you’re more likely to become violent than if you have a realistic self-image —and thus a realistic ego[3].
How do you take care of a healthy ego?
So a healthy ego is one that you link to self-esteem and that is proportionate, so that it cannot be threatened and that keeps you from becoming aggressive (although, of course, not everyone with a big ego has this problem). The question is how you achieve that.
For example, if you have become depressed, your ego has become unhealthy, so to speak. You are then kind of wounded. Fortunately, you can improve this with several techniques, such as Ego state therapy and cognitive hypnotherapy[4].
For example, you learn how to change your emotional state by imagining certain things, for example. A hypnotherapist will help you with this.
Cognitive hypnotherapy deals more with the thoughts you have, such as how you value yourself and what you think of yourself, and helps you change them.
For example, a fun technique is to make a negative thought completely ridiculous. When you can laugh at the thought "I think of myself as stupid," that thought no longer has any power at all to influence your emotions and you actually become more cheerful.
This can be done, for example, by voicing the thought out loud in the most ridiculous way possible. Depending on your sense of humor or beliefs, this can involve using funny voices, making strange gestures, or pretending to say it in a mood completely different from a negative one. For example, try saying in a very sexual way that you’re stupid. Isn’t that ridiculous?
So how much influence can that thought have on your ego?
In addition, hypnosis can help you figure out why you find it so hard to do something for yourself that makes you feel good, and why you find it so hard to let go of needing appreciation from other people to feel good.
This can be achieved, for example, through regression. Regression is a technique in which, with the help of a hypnotherapist, you go back to the moment when you decided that the approval of others is the only way your ego can feel good—that you cannot do this on your own without the help of others.
Next, you start doing something with that moment. Maybe someone said something to you, maybe you saw something, it could be anything. Then you are going to revisit this moment with your current knowledge, maybe you are going to change the moment in your mind with your imagination.
This can change beliefs and even strengthen your sense that you can do things for yourself to feel good.
There are also other things that can be used for a healthy ego with self-esteem, such as guided visualizations, repeating affirmations and future pacing.
You can all learn how this all works and how to help people or yourself with it.
For example, come to a hypnosis workshop to master the basics of hypnosis. These workshops are held in Wormerveer and Zwolle.
Would you like to explore hypnotherapy and master the basics? Then come to a hypnosis seminar and get inspired.
Would you like to get started right away with techniques to help yourself or others? Then sign up for one of our courses.
[1] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1991-03433-001
[2] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-03693-002
[3] https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1996-01716-001
[4] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00029157.2013.796282