How long does processing cheating last?

Some time ago, I helped a woman who had been cast aside because her partner had run off with the cleaning lady. This even though she had been in a relationship with him for 12 years. So he had cheated, but then what

It obviously doesn't feel right when your partner prefers the cleaning lady over you, and how long does the processing of cheating last?

Consequences of cheating

Infidelity is never pleasant for anyone, especially if you’re the partner who remained faithful. Infidelity is also the most common reason for a divorce or the end of a relationship[1].

Forgiveness is often only an option when the cheating was a one-off and when the partner apologizes[2]. Men break up a relationship faster when the woman cheats than vice versa.

Unfortunately, this woman's partner had been having an affair for eight months, and there was certainly no excuse forthcoming. As far as he was concerned, it was all her fault and she should have realized it sooner.

As a result, she also stopped feeling great psychologically. Her happiness and enthusiasm were gone, and her innate optimism had vanished. Things she used to find interesting, such as working with children and fitness, no longer sparked any enthusiasm in her.

These are actually symptoms of depression—not that she was depressed, but she was clearly going through a rough patch. This is also something that many people struggle with when their partner has cheated on them. In addition, you may also experience feelings of anxiety. This can closely resemble the symptoms of post-traumatic stress, depending on how serious the infidelity was or how it was experienced.

When you have difficulty coping with losing your partner, it is often considered an "adjustment disorder." This can last from three to six months; does it take longer than six months? Then it may be helpful to seek help[3].

Another consequence may be that you become extremely vengeful. This is especially true if you catch your partner in the act or if someone tells you that your partner is cheating (see source two).

You may think and say it's pussy, but the fact remains that the situation is as it is. You can also think out all your revenge scenarios. How to set him/her on fire, but in the end that doesn't help either. The hatred has to get out. Then thinking about the violent revenge can already help, but that is often not the way to get rid of that hatred.

The best revenge is to become as happy as possible.

Sometimes you don't feel hatred, but rather disappointment and surprise that your ex fell for it. The other woman is moving on considerably and, according to your ex, it is true love (rolling eyes).

You may think your relationship was big bullshit, doubting yourself also passes your mind.

The woman I helped felt sick to her stomach, especially when she thought about what had happened. She felt sick at the thought that she had apparently been so naive—that she hadn’t noticed anything and had missed all the signs. Sick at the thought of her own naivety.

This also aligns with the more general feelings described by scientists as thoughts about a lack of trust and safety (see source three), because how can you accurately assess a safe situation under these circumstances?

You no longer feel comfortable with yourself. Have I changed now or the world around me?

Coping with cheating

Coping with cheating should therefore take no longer than six months in the case of adjustment disorder. Of those who have been victimized by a partner who cheats, thirty to sixty percent suffer from the adjustment disorder of cheating (source three).

So you are not alone.

In the case of the woman I helped, she had gotten her partner when she was 21 and when he had made it financially she was suddenly pushed aside. You see this more often, unfortunately.

You see many performers cheating, especially when they are inside. While the woman stays right next to them. The only artists who have not done it are Henny Huisman and Joop van den Ende, and they are smart men.

I don't know what happens to men when they are looking for something different.

If you’ve been in this situation for months now and find yourself wondering what you could have done differently and how things might have turned out, then it’s time to look at that memory in a different way.

You’ll take ownership of the situation and how you view it. You’ll realize that it’s already over and that you’re now at the beginning of something new.

Ownership is taking responsibility for how it is now, not necessarily for how it went. Because the latter often makes little sense.

What has been, has been. Another thing you often see is that you got into a relationship as a young twenty-something, then when that blows up ten years later, how hard can you be on yourself? What did you know when you were in your twenties? How could you know then that it was a red flag? That doesn't help you and that only makes you feel worse about yourself.

So live in the now.

When you take responsibility for the facts, for what your current responsibilities are, and for what you can influence right now, it helps tremendously.

This also has to do with the emotions, thoughts, and energy associated with that event.

Then you get to the point of how you think about what happened.

For yourself, it's a good thing it passed.

This is your new starting point, and I learned a lot from it, but I'm not putting my heart out there. Maybe for a while, but at some point it's good to open up again.

It's beyond

When you think back to the moment when it was clear that the relationship was over, it's still a terrible moment, of course, but then when you linger in that emotion, it's not really over for you.

You may still be left with the fact that you asked him/her all sorts of things at the time, but didn't get an answer. In the case of the woman I helped, he only got angrier with each question. This is often, because it is up to him and then he wants you gone quickly. It is a form of cutting off.

Instead of balking at that moment, you can take ownership of how you look back on it.

As a closure, you can reenact the moment when you were totally repulsed by him/her. You look at that person (in your mind) and you think:

"I'm not going to sit in a house with this person for another 10 years. I'll pack my things and I'll be gone. I'll save myself."

Then you turn the moment into when you yourself make that choice and you want to leave and that's your choice. Even though it's your memory, but then you take ownership of the memory.

With this, you take ownership and it is no longer done to you.

The woman who did this exercise was glad afterward that she was no longer stuck with such a psychopath. So who had changed? That man, not her.

She also felt relief that she did not have to continue living with someone she apparently did not know.

Nausea also began to disappear.

Listen to the session here:

Hypnotherapy for coping with cheating

The text above also gives some insight into how hypnotherapy can help people come to terms with infidelity. In this case, I simply had a conversation in which I shared some suggestions to help people shift their focus.

The exercise is also a real one to perform when you want to help someone use hypnosis to cope with cheating, depending on the experience that person has then had.

In addition, hypnosis can also help eliminate feelings of jealousy and insecurity in the future, allowing you to enter a new relationship with greater confidence.

Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works? Then join our free online masterclass on hypnosis, or sign up for one of our training programs.

Pin also this handy infographic for working recognition of cheating.

Sources:

[1] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X16300227

[2] http://markbeaird.org/wmlib/pdf/book_resources_rbt/forgiveness_of_sexual_cheating_in_romantic_relationships.pdf

[3] https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1002/smi.2968