Inferiority: what to do when you feel inferior?

Some time ago I had an interesting case study, I was helping a man who felt inferior, but also often "too much" in front of the group. That he had better be a little quieter or go away. Or that his presence was not important

What is an inferior feeling?

When you suffer from feeling inferior, as above, it can be very double. You may feel that you are so not allowed to show yourself, but deep down the person you actually are is very cool and may be too much for the group around you.

But you may not show that, then.

Or that you do put yourself out there, but that it’s not good enough.

At least you don't feel like you're allowed to show up, which was the feeling that the man I helped sat with. That he always had to walk within the lines. He does love himself, who he really is, but doesn't know why he can't show that, why it's not just right the way it is.

That feeling of not being good enough, then, often comes from comparing yourself to other people in the group and thinking somewhere that you are inadequate then[1]. There are even companies that capitalize on this so that you make purchases to make yourself feel a little more superior again, but that aside.

What causes feeling inferior?

So, this feeling may arise because you compare yourself to other people, but how you determine whether you measure up depends on your beliefs. These generally develop during your childhood.

For example, the man I helped was not allowed by his parents to play soccer and he started playing korfball instead (where he often played soccer with the ball). Already there began the feeling of being rebellious and not really fitting in.

When he was eleven, he also had to attend another, stricter school with uniforms (this was in Belgium). Because of this, he once again couldn’t be himself. His parents wanted him to conform, but of course he didn’t.

In the past, you might have had to do what your parents told you and had to do all the things you didn't want to do.

Parents often project their desires onto their children. For example, I have four boys and thought: nice then they will play soccer. Not one of the boys plays soccer. They all do gymnastics. I like that now, but it's not what I expected. It is the way it is.

In addition, there is a connection to feelings of shame[2], because if you don’t do what’s expected, you feel ashamed.

So feeling inferior is actually a reaction to a situation or to people, in that you unconsciously begin to compare yourself and use a certain standard for this purpose that may be outdated.

For example, you no longer have to comply with your parents' rules, especially if you no longer live at home.

For example, I used to have to go to church and wear nice clothes; now I don't have to.

But that feeling of “Do I really belong here, and am I doing this right?” is still there—even though that moment has long since passed. This is because the rules you somehow picked up in the past are still deeply embedded in your subconscious.

What can you do to stop creating this feeling

First, it is helpful to know that when you are an adult you are allowed to create your own rules.

After all, life has no rules. Those rules exist only in your head. If you decide to go out in a pink swimsuit, that’s entirely up to you. You might get a reaction, but you don’t know what it will be. You might even make new friends.

The rules of the past can linger for a very long time. Then you try to break free and be rebellious, but really you can have it all to yourself.

The realization that you get to know it all for yourself can be confusing at first.

For what?

Then you need to ask yourself what you really want. What do you want to do with your life? And then you can live accordingly.

This may be easier said than done when you are blocked by this feeling of inferiority.

Two Questions

In that case, you can ask these two questions.

• Imagine, they don't want you?

Then you might as well show what you can do, because it doesn't matter.

• Imagine if they did want you?

Then you can also show what you can do, because they want you.

Explore what's going right in your life

In addition, you are now an adult and already doing all kinds of things well. You probably have a job and friends, so you're good enough for many people.

The man I helped was a coach; his goal was to help people get better. And not just anyone who was sick. People with chronic pain who were also entrepreneurs and had to lead a team. He had clearly defined his target audience.

Before this, he had set up pathways and had even achieved results with them.

I asked him if he would also feel inferior when meeting with all those clients. The answer, of course, was no.

About his work, he did not feel inferior.

In your group of clients, you don't feel inferior.

So why feel inferior in any other group?

Taking a moment to write down all the things you do well can go a long way toward reducing feelings of inferiority.

This helps you think about the cool things you're doing more often.

If you really feel inferior, lie under a bridge with a bottle of booze by your side.

Sometimes adapting to the situation is the best choice at the time

He also had a number of memories where adapting to the situation was best at the time.

For example, his relationship was over, but due to a death in his ex-in-law's family, they kept up appearances for a while. This may feel like deception and not the way it should be, but then consider that in addition to the funeral at that point, you will also get all sorts of whining about the end of the relationship. At that moment, keeping up appearances was the best solution.

In addition, he had accidentally gotten a woman pregnant during a one-night stand, and they decided to have an abortion. Another situation you might think isn’t quite right. But they were both young. You’d inevitably feel obligated to do something for that child, and you could also end up in a fight with the child’s mother—whom you don’t really know well—because of the one-night stand. By making this difficult decision, they had prevented all sorts of drama in their lives. The fact that she also chose to have an abortion—because otherwise she wouldn’t have done it—is actually something he should be grateful for.

If you suffer from feelings of inferiority because you think you should be ashamed of something, remember that you made the best choice at that time with the knowledge you had at that time (not the knowledge of today, but the knowledge of then).

Sometimes you also take a moment to do something for other people. After all, you are a social being and sometimes it's just the best decision to temporarily adapt. Afterwards, you can always say that things could have been done differently, but that's of no use to you now.

Acceptance is more convenient and those social adaptations also show that you are not a psychopath. That, in turn, is the opposite of someone who feels inferior.

Hypnotherapy

One way I helped the man I was helping was by taking a brief look into his life. When someone is in hypnosis you do this with regression. You then go back to the moment when you received the belief that you are not allowed to be yourself or that you are inferior.

In this man’s case, there were several moments in his life, and sometimes, as a therapist, you also take those leaps with your clients to revisit all those moments and give them new meaning. Sometimes simply offering a different suggestion on how someone can view a situation is enough, and sometimes it’s more helpful for the person to visualize the situation and do something with it, such as empathizing with the people involved.

When someone suffers from feeling inferior, this can help you resolve those feelings and blockages. You then often literally feel lighter when this succeeds, as if a burden falls off your shoulders.

Would you like to learn more about hypnosis so you can help yourself or others? Then join our free online hypnosis masterclass or sign up for one of our training courses.

Sources:

[1] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0148296318302169

[2] http://ccare.stanford.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/An-exploration-of-shame-measures-I-the-other-as-shamer-scale.pdf