Feeling misunderstood: Where does this come from and how bad is it?

Feeling misunderstood can be very frustrating. You have a conversation and somehow you get reactions from people as if you said something completely different from what you said. How is this possible anyway? Feeling misunderstood can have a lot of effect on you. In this blog, I take a closer look at feeling misunderstood and what you can do about it.

I feel misunderstood

Feeling misunderstood can become apparent in many ways. For example, you get reactions you don't expect at all. You feel there is a problem, but just can't seem to get it across to those around you. There is a communication barrier.

When you feel misunderstood, you feel those frustrating emotions, but you can't articulate them well. You feel more turmoil and you have a different view of reality than the person who (obviously) doesn't understand you[1].

Feeling misunderstood can also make you feel unimportant to those around you; at the same time, it can make you very creative to solve problems anyway[2].

The difference between being understood and being misunderstood

Everyone, to a greater or lesser extent, values being understood. At the very least, you want to feel that people understand you. After all, you never know for sure if someone understands what you mean, but it is nice if you at least get the feeling that you are understood[3].

Feeling understood is important for your relationships and to feel good about yourself.

It makes you feel strong, worthy and important.

Other research shows that when you feel understood in your daily interactions you suffer fewer physical complaints and are more satisfied with your life. This effect is greater if you are very mindful of how others see you[4].

Feeling misunderstood in your relationship

A good relationship is one in which you understand each other[5]. Research shows that the longer your relationship lasts, the more important it is to understand each other in order to maintain the quality of the relationship[6].

Feeling misunderstood is essentially when you suddenly get the sense that the other person doesn’t see your identity the way you do. When you do feel understood, you know that the other person sees you the way you see yourself.

You might say an argument is a signal of misunderstanding or failure to verify your identity. But research shows that if a partner avoids arguing precisely this causes you to feel more misunderstood. However, you as a man can reduce this effect with self-affirmations and women can also reduce this effect slightly, but less strongly than men, according to this research[7].

So just a little bit of arguing can eventually bring more understanding and then you don't really have to work on yourself regarding the idea of your identity being affirmed by your surroundings. So arguing can sometimes have a useful function.

Feeling misunderstood in healthcare

Especially if you’re dealing with mental health issues, it’s important that your healthcare provider understands you. If you feel that your therapist doesn’t understand you , this can completely undermine the relationship you have with your therapist. It’s frustrating, or you may even feel like you’re being treated like a child—or like you’re just a problem that needs to be fixed.

In addition, feeling misunderstood can also be a form of protection. Because if someone else doesn’t understand you, then you don’t have to take their criticism or feedback seriously (at least, that’s how you feel)[8].

Misunderstanding can also cause you to doubt yourself and feel isolated.

As a healthcare provider, it is difficult to help someone who feels misunderstood by the healthcare system feel understood again (source 5). It is very important to feel understood, because this enables you to face your problems with greater courage and willpower.

Feeling misunderstood at work

Feeling misunderstood at work has a correlation to the way you bond with people. Do you have an anxious or insecure attachment? Then you are more likely to feel anxious at work because of misunderstanding. You need recognition for the work you do and you are motivated by appreciation for your work.

There’s also the fear of being rejected if people aren’t impressed by the work you do. These concerns about how people perceive your work can reduce your productivity[9].

Feeling lonely and misunderstood

Feeling misunderstood can also make you feel lonely. After all, loneliness is a fairly subjective experience. For example, you might have many people in your life, but if you can’t communicate well with them, you may long for someone who is truly on the same wavelength as you. This can lead to feelings of loneliness if you struggle a lot with feeling misunderstood[10].

Dealing differently with feeling misunderstood

Feeling misunderstood, then, has all kinds of effects on your personal life and at work. But just how bad is it to feel misunderstood? Ultimately, this feeling comes from within you and is a result of how you view the world and how you think you should function in it. It’s a result of your beliefs and the importance you place on being understood.

Two things come to mind. How important is it that you feel understood for what you need it for? How important are the people in your life who just won't or can't understand you?

Regression

To find out why you feel misunderstood and where that feeling comes from, a hypnotherapist can help you through regression. With regression, you go back to the first moment when you felt misunderstood and found that upsetting. The hypnotherapist can then help you reinterpret that moment.

You see, most beliefs are formed in childhood and they just stay nice and snug in your subconscious, even though you now know more than when you were a child. Because with hypnosis you can change your subconscious, so to speak, this technique helps you to change these kinds of beliefs and that can be done with the regression technique. You can then gain insights that you didn't have as a child, making it less important, for example, if people at your work don't understand you, as long as they think your work - the end result - is good enough.

Removing misunderstanding from your relationship

In your relationships, it does matter to feel understood in the long run. The interesting thing is that arguing can actually cause you to understand each other. Sometimes, apparently due to intense emotions, you have to half force your partner to think about what you mean next, but at the same time, your feeling of misunderstanding can cause the same feeling of misunderstanding in your partner. So during such an argument, also do your best to understand your partner. In the end, you need two people for a relationship after all.

Perhaps you find it difficult to argue due to circumstances. In that case, you can also look at beliefs you have about arguing with your partner, also with regression. Or you can "install" new beliefs by repeating certain hypnotic suggestions, such as:

"The sooner the misunderstanding is remedied, the better for the relationship," says Mr. K., "The sooner the misunderstanding is remedied, the better for the relationship."

"Arguing makes a relationship healthy and gives everyone the opportunity to voice dissatisfactions for once."

"Arguing is good, as long as you stick to your point."

"I get to walk away and think while arguing."

"Making up sex is fun 😉"

These are just examples; depending on your beliefs, you may receive different suggestions . Of course, the point isn’t to insult each other during an argument—think of it more as a lively discussion.

Being yourself in front of the right people around you

That lack of understanding and finding it important that certain people understand you is also a form of how important you find those people. Of course, with family and work, it is helpful to be able to turn misunderstanding into understanding. A firm discussion can be a solution.

But if the lack of understanding totally prevents you from being yourself, that won't make you happy in the long run either.

The great thing is, when you are yourself you automatically gather people around you who fit that. That period of being yourself, losing people around you because of this can be difficult, but eventually you then gather people around you who do fit you and who do understand you.

Are you just really unable to be yourself at work, colleagues completely misunderstand you and your intentions with your work? Then it may also be useful to look for another job with colleagues who do suit you.

For example, you often hear about people being turned down for a job because see would not fit into the team. This sometimes sounds very stupid, but in the end they are doing you a favor. Because then they had already realized that they did not understand you or that there would be friction in some other way.

Sometimes you may think you don't have what it takes at all for a particular job, but if you fit in with the team, that can be a reason for a company to hire you in particular. After all, everything else can be learned, and you have that energy if you can be yourself.

Building self-confidence can play an important role in this, which is also something hypnotherapy can help you with.

Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works? Then join the free online masterclass on hypnosis.

Or sign up for one of the HIN’s training programs. It’s ideal for your own personal development or for coaching others.

Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:

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