Peer feedback: You really shouldn't assume anything at all from most people

Sometimes people have feedback on you or criticism. You shouldn't take anything from most of them. Why, you'll read in this blog!

I have what might be a somewhat confrontational blog post for you, because I’m going to talk about the comments on my blog posts. And it really makes me laugh. But the first tip—and also the most important one—that I’m going to share right away is this: You don’t have to take all feedback to heart! Some feedback is just nonsense.

Feedback from "ordinary people"

From people who have absolutely no experience in a particular field. For example: I speak in front of groups a lot. I’ve spent thousands of hours speaking in front of groups. So when someone gives feedback on my presentation, I ask, “Gee, what’s your basis for that feedback? What’s your experience?” If they respond with, “I’ve spoken in front of a group 10 times and taken one presentation training course,” then I know enough. Then I know I don’t need to hear their feedback, because it’s completely irrelevant

I got this comment from Bart van den Belt. I was listening to a podcast by my great friend Thijs Lindhout and then he said that and I thought yeah, man. I apply that now, because some people who just bullshit! They just give feedback, but it's based on nothing.

Peer feedback "people with experience"

See, when my other great friend Remco Claassen, who has spent perhaps 20,000 hours in front of groups, says, "Well, Ed, if you do this, this and this..." I'll write my whole notebook full! Because that man is a top trainer. That is the best trainer walking around in the Netherlands. Yes, I would like to listen to that. If he saws me off, so to speak, I'll listen!

When Jan-boy dick saws me off, I just don't listen because they have absolutely nothing to say after 1 presentation training session. I've been doing this for 10 years now, including 100 training days a year. So I am in front of a group enough, almost 10,000 hours so I know something about that. That's the first tip: Protect yourself from feedback from everyone! Especially if you're sensitive, like me, it's hard to receive negative feedback or criticism. But if that feedback is bullshit that I can't do anything with, I don't feel like it at all.

Thinking before adopting feebdack

For example, I received some comments on my blog post “The Intuition Bullshit.” This blog post is about how I believe some people use intuition as some kind of excuse to do, say, or not do just about anything—even though it often makes no sense at all.“Yeah, I just feel like…”—Intuitively, you know things, hear things, and see things. That could be true, of course, but it’s often confused with assumptions and interpretations.

Intuition and filling in are two different things. There are people who say 'I'm an intuitive coach or therapist, and I don't need training because I do it intuitively and I sense things.' I really have an allergy to that. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. But that's why it's called an exception.

The rule is: competence comes first, and then comes training and becoming competent. Then you become unconsciously competent, or more intuitive in it, in that profession.

Of course, you have the kind of intuition where you sense danger. That you think, "Hey this is not where I should be, in this part of town. That's a feeling that guards you from dangerous situations, but that could just as easily be instinct. We also act instinctively but, it sometimes gets mixed up with intuition as well. Suppose I throw hot water on your hand, then you pull your hand away. That is a reflex, and that is an instinctive reaction.

But what do you get when I talk about intuition bullshit like in that blog? Then you get, for example, a nice response like, "You probably don't quite understand the meaning of the word intuition then. Because that is nothing but inner guidance and says nothing about not having to train yourself in it. So actually it is bullshit what you are now proclaiming yourself'. That's then saying someone who has no understanding in that area. Maybe they live like that once in a while or give a workshop, but that's all.

Then, when I click on the profile picture and see someone with a cigarette in her mouth, I already burst into laughter. Then I think "If you had such strong inner guidance, you would take that cigarette out of your mouth and stop smoking. If you really have such a strong intuition, you should have listened to your body a long time ago, you should have stopped inhaling that poison a long time ago. But of course, that's another story.

Responding to feedback

So I get several responses where I am completely underwhelmed 'Could it be that there is a blockage in you yourselfto feel, live and be happy completely free of all earthly and societal nonsense compulsion and oppression? Could it be so?' That's then a response with super hypnotic language that could apply to anyone. It's like a horoscope when you read that.

Then I look at what this guy does: he runs intuitive workshops for men. And people like that then all make assumptions about me. It's really about how you respond to those kinds of comments. Are you going to respond to it? Are you going to let it pass? You actually always do something with it because you read it, are you going to deal with it? Do you engage or do you withdraw?

Going into battle makes little sense because there are basically no winners in a battle, you lose anyway. You can choose to undercut the other person by completely dissecting the argument. Another option is to just withdraw because, there is no point in engaging in the discussion with people like that.

It might sound a little selfish, but not everyone is at the same level as you—whether in terms of specific experience or specific know-how. In other contexts, however, they may have a much higher level of experience, so it’s still a good idea to listen to them.

How competent is the person regarding the context of the feedback

For example, you can take feedback regarding presentation from someone who often stands in front of groups and conducts training sessions. But in the area of relationships, this person may do something very bad, for example, you don't need to listen to that. So it's all about the context in which someone gives feedback.

Most people are only competent in 1 or 2 different areas, but not in the rest. While they do sprinkle meaningless labels because they read something in a book somewhere. Whole tribes go after that and are "guided from the universe. That all sounds nice and abstract but of course it doesn't make sense. If you start dissecting it completely, it is very vague. What exactly do you mean by the universe? Go and dissect it and very little remains but, it sounds nice.

I do exactly the same thing—I throw a wrench in the works, too. I say,“Intuition is bullshit,”because I see that intuition is being misused as an excuse. As an excuse like , “I don’t have to do anything because my intuition tells me so,” or “You’re really not okay because that’s what my intuition sensed.” When really, it’s just bullshit—maybe it’s just some old trauma you’re dealing with .

So before claiming anything at all, you need to be reasonably educated, that's point #1. The 2nd point is that you should not confuse intuition with competence. You can't operate intuitively either. You can't ride a bike intuitively, yes you can now, but not if you're going to learn it. You also cannot intuitively leave everything to a small child, she will die. It's just not possible. There are people who say "Yes, children are intuitive. Yes indeed they walk onto the A4 so intuitively and get run over. They do all kinds of intuitive things that are not convenient. So what I mean by this is that it doesn't make sense.

A lot of things are just trained, they have become unconscious automatic programs and we call that intuition. But intuitively "knowing something" is much more likely to be learned than something you've been taught. If that were the case, we wouldn't have to learn anything at all.

Then we would just rely on divine guidance to propel us through life. It's just not so. Well I won't say that "it" isn't there. People sometimes say 'But you don't believe in that' - but I have experienced it myself that there were all logical coincidences. 'Go there, go there'. Everything unfolded in a certain way but, I just call that 'the flow'. That you just do all kinds of things and it's all automatic.

It's true that you have certain competencies - you can walk, you can travel on trains, you can pay off tickets, you can do all kinds of things. If you can let go of all that, those competencies, you get into a kind of flow and that's fantastic. But that's very difficult and very few people can live that way. We have trapped ourselves in that respect in terms of society.

We are always bound by time, think for example if you have children...they have to go everywhere. If you all have appointments, it's harder to live in the flow. We are not like an elephant that just moves along quietly. That is not a bad thing but, I think it is different when people use intuition as an excuse not to train. Then you get people who coach or do hypnosis without training, who just aren't competent. You can't become a doctor or a lawyer without training either.

See, the combination of intuition AND competence is fantastic. I think if you are only competent and not intuitive, you are also missing an important part. If, on the other hand, you only go into court intuitively with an attitude of 'We'll see what happens' and you don't know anything at all about all those laws, then, of course, you're going to go down the drain. But if you know all those laws and you have your right brain well in use, then you can access that intuition. That of course works to your advantage because you intuitively recognize, know, see and sense things and emotions.

A lot of people will call this "inner guidance," which of course could be true but I think it is mostly learned behavior. Then when people come up with that excuse, I usually hold my breath. Those people who say, "I'm leaving," "I got that through,""It felt so good to buy a chateau in France" - usually come back with hanging feet. 'Yeah, now that's an intuitively bad decision because if you had thought about it a little longer, it would have been different now. '

Latest tip on feedback

One last tip: If you get feedback from someone, first consider whether it is valuable to get the feedback from that person. There is a big difference in someone who has presented 10x and gives feedback on my presentation, compared to someone who has been on stage for 20,000 hours. From that beginner I don't need to hear the feedback, to that second person I say "Shoot. So you don't have to listen to all the feedback. That is difficult for many people but, you have to see it as a kind of self-protection. After all, feedback from incompetent people is of no use to you. At some point you will find out to whom it is better not to listen and to whom it is useful to listen.

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