Your problem is almost never the real problem: The hidden logic of your brain
We're going to talk about a topic that's probably going to turn your worldview upside down: why your problem (yes, the very thing you're struggling with right now) is often not the actual problem at all.
You know how it is. You wake up, you actually feel pretty good, you’re looking forward to the day, but something’s gnawing at you. You’re still missing that final spark for that truly radiant smile. You keep hitting the same wall. Whether it’s stress, insecurity, or that constant need to please others. You think, “Hey, I’m a grown man (or woman)—I know this doesn’t make any sense, right?” But your brain just keeps doing it anyway.
How is that even possible? Why are we so programmed to get in our own way? I’m going to explain it to you using a model I’ve refined over the past twenty years. Grab an imaginary flip chart, because I’m going to draw it out for you.
Watch the video:
The flip chart of your psyche: The first round
Imagine, I have a flipchart here in front of me. I grab a thick black marker and I draw a circle. In that circle I write in big letters the letter P. This P stands for Problem.
For this article, let’s take the example of “people-pleasing.” Maybe you’re a people-pleaser. A true people-pleaser. You constantly want everyone to like you. You put yourself last, let others cross your boundaries, and when someone asks, “What do you want to eat?” you say, “You decide—I don’t mind.” (Even though you’re actually craving sushi, but the other person wants pizza.)
That need to please feels like a problem to you. You’re fed up with it. You’re tired, you feel like a doormat, and you want to put an end to it. You read books on assertiveness, you take courses on “learning to say no,” and yet… the next time the opportunity arises, you obediently say “yes” again to something you wanted to scream “no” at.
Why? Because we've only drawn one round. And one round won't get you there.
The hidden benefit: The Positive Intention
Now I’ll draw a second circle, directly above that first one. And I’ll put a P in that one, too. But this P stands for something much more important: Positive Intention.
Listen carefully, because this is at the heart of everything I do: A problem will always bring you something positive. Always. And I mean positive for you, for your system. Why the hell else would you keep doing it? Your brain is not a defective machine that just does something; it is a survival machine that is extremely efficient.
Of course, trying to please others also has negative effects. You’re exhausted, your self-esteem plummets below freezing—that’s what we call the negative intention. But we do things to gain an advantage. That people-pleasing gives you a certain “in-the-meantime” benefit. For a brief moment, you get the attention you need. Or, for a brief moment, you feel the security of knowing there won’t be an argument.
So, think about your own problem right now. It doesn’t matter what it is. Procrastination? Smoking? Anger outbursts? Ask yourself: What do I get out of this?
The conversation you never have
I have treated thousands of people in sessions over the years. And every time I asked that question, "What does it get you?" the most common answer given was, "Nothing, Edwin! It only brings me misery and irritation."
People sometimes even get a little edgy when I ask. They don't feel understood. But I know: we are still in the resistance. We're in the conscious brain trying to be logical. And logic has nothing to do with emotional problems. So I continue to ask.
Imagine, you suffer from irritation.
- Me: "Okay, what does this irritation get you?"
- Client: "Well, nothing ... well, then I'll scream."
- Me: "And what does that screaming get you?"
- Client: "That does breathe some air."
- Me: "Okay, and what does that relief get you?"
- Client: "That's when I finally feel free again."
Boom. There you have it. So irritation actually leads to freedom. In this person’s system, “getting angry” is the only known path to “freedom.” As bizarre as that may sound to your logical mind, to the unconscious mind it’s the shortest route. And as long as your brain thinks that irritation is the only path to freedom, it will continue to irritate you.
This is a model, right? It’s not the absolute truth, but it’s a perception of reality that works remarkably well for gaining insight. The point is: what is the function of your complaint?
Source: You are an 80-year-old adolescent
The next step is the timeline. When did you start this? When did you decide this was the way to survive?
Most people don't exactly remember. They say, "I've been doing this all my life." When you say that, I actually know enough: this originated between your 0th and 5th year of life. That is the period of the first imprint. In those first five years, almost all of your unconscious, automatic programs are installed.
That's where you start to become a pleaser, or an annoying guy, or a wallflower. That's not to say you can't change, but if you don't do anything about it, you're really just a consequence of what happened in those first five years.
I often put it a bit dramatically: many people are actually adolescents in disguise. Even if they’re eighty, they’re still running the programs they learned as toddlers . After you turn 25, your brain is basically “done” with its basic wiring, and it’s just a matter of running through those unconscious routines. Unless you consciously start hacking the system.
The solution of the four-year
Let's go back to our example. Why did you ever start pleading?
Imagine, just hypothetically: your father was rarely around. He had to work hard, or he was emotionally unavailable. And when he was there, he paid you absolutely no attention. What does a four-year-old do in that situation? A child needs attention to survive, just as much as food and drink.
That child discovers, "Hey, if I'm really good, if I'm going to help Daddy, if I'm going to please.... then he watches! Then I get attention!" Wow! What a smart move by that four-year-old. At that moment, pleasing was not a problem at all. It was a genius solution to another problem. And that other problem was, "I don't get attention and that hurts." If you never get attention, it feels like worthlessness, like not being good enough.
So:
- The real problem: Feeling worthless.
- The solution of the day: Pleasen.
- The payoff: Attention.
Know what I mean? To a toddler, this is the best strategy in the world. The only problem is that you have continued to use that strategy when the situation has long since changed.
By the way, you're not alone, research shows that "wrong" coping mechanisms often arise from childhood problems and how you figured out the best way to deal with them back then[1].
Why your brain wants "right" and not "happiness"
Now you’re fifty years old. By now, you have a thousand other ways to get attention. You host a podcast, you do your job well, and you have a partner who loves you. You no longer need that four-year-old strategy at all.
But your brain doesn't do logic. Your brain wants to be right, not necessarily lucky. Your brain thinks, "This worked when we were four, it kept us alive, so we keep running this program. It's safe, it's familiar, it's energy efficient."
Even though you now have 35 other ways that work much better, your brain clings to that old "solution" because it has become an unconsciously automatic program. It's like an old computer still running Windows 95 while you try to use the latest apps. That's going to falter. That's going to crash.
The magical connection: Worthlessness produces attention
When we look at this model, you see something very distinctive.
- Pleasing delivers attention.
- Feeling worthless provides the solution "pleasing"[2].
- So essentially: feeling worthless produces attention.
This is the moment during a session when the penny drops. Something that was completely unconscious is brought into conscious awareness. Your brain suddenly sees the twist: “Wait a minute, I’m perpetuating that awful feeling of worthlessness because my system thinks that’s the only way I can get attention.” Of course, that’s complete nonsense for an adult, but to your subconscious, it was dead serious.
Once you see through this, the foundation of your problem begins to crumble. Because the question is, of course: Do you really still need that old feeling to get attention? The answer is almost always a resounding “No!”
How to truly heal yourself
Once we identify this, we can start working on the solution. And we don't do that by talking endlessly about why your father wasn't there. We know that now. We get to work on the software.
In my book *The Three Minute Reset* and in *our training programs at the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands*, we teach people how to accelerate this process. We use positive intention[3] (in this case, “attention”) as a kind of medicine.
We go back to the past in hypnosis. Not to root in misery, but to redistribute resources. We let that attention, that feeling of being seen, flow throughout your timeline. It's like retroactively giving your four-year-old self everything he lacked at the time.
What then happens in your brain is fascinating. The unconscious program is altered. Because the underlying feeling has changed, the old logic no longer makes sense. The program "pleasing" no longer has a function, because the need for attention has already been fulfilled at a deeper level.
You come out of hypnosis and you suddenly feel fine. And the great thing is: we may have talked zero more about pleasing ourselves. It has simply disappeared because the foundation beneath it has been knocked away. The "solution" is no longer needed.
Conclusion: Look beyond the surface
So, next time you catch yourself with that annoying behavior, fear or insecurity.... then be gentle with yourself. Realize that this behavior was once a brilliant solution for a small child trying to survive in a world that did not yet understand it.
Ask yourself, "What positive intention is underneath? What is my brain trying to arrange for me?" And then realize that now, as an adult, you have much better ways to achieve that same goal.
Do you find this an interesting article? If so, please be sure to leave a comment. Whether you're reading this on my site, or hearing the podcast on Spotify or YouTube, I love hearing what this does to you. Share it with people who you know are also struggling with those old "solutions. That way we help each other finally update that software to the 2026 version.
Have a question? Feel free to send it in! I regularly pick up questions from readers and listeners to do another deep dive on them
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