A while ago, I helped Wilma who was suffering from procrastination. She was busy with training and wanted to do other things. Every time she does other things, than what she would like. A symptom of procrastination.
She actually wanted to help people. As a nail technician, she heard a lot about problems people face and was already helping her clients. She takes a mindfulness coaching course and at the first assignment where she had to fill in something about cause and effect she actually quit. She had to fill in what she felt as a result, or describe a situation in her life, such as a conversation at work.
As a nail technician, she had no manager telling her what to do, or colleagues, so that was difficult for her.
Of course, it's just how you look at it. You can look at booking an appointment with the nail technician as causing the result that clients leave afterwards with beautiful nails and mentally enlightened. She could go along with that.
I also gave her some hints on what you can do to find an answer quickly. Namely, Google something and then if you still don't find it, you can ask, for example, ChatGPT, a tool in which artificial intelligence (AI) gives you answers to questions you type in.
That often saves time already and it can help with inspiration. Training assignments are made to learn something and discover something, but then you have to understand the assignment. For that understanding, you can use ChatGPT or Google.
Because when you're confused, when you don't understand something, most people don't do anything at all. That's when you procrastinate.
I asked her if when she would think back that procrastination was often because she didn't understand something.
The real issue
Wilma indicated that it does indeed become a problem with difficult things . Such as that she had not spoken to her mother and sister for a long time now. She wanted to then, but her feelings were holding her back.
This often happens during a session, that someone comes with a problem, and later in the session the real problem becomes clear. So in this case, the relationship with her family.
The cool thing is that research shows that working on your own mental health can improve family relationships as well[1].
We continue with Wilma. After all, she didn't know what would happen if she went to her mother. Only, with her mother she had a problematic past, because her mother used to lie a lot.
She wondered if there was any point in calling her mother. Wilma had forgiven herself for not being in touch with her mother. However, she felt she needed to tell her mother, too, because her mother was in the last phase of her life. So that her mother would hear that she was forgiven for shaping motherhood and lying.
On this, I said the following:
"Look, if you have zero expectations with that for the answer it's fine, but if you expect her to then say 'Oh yeah, sorry this and that, I shouldn't have done that either' ... yeah, we don't know."
After all, expectations are often the basis of disappointments. In fact, it can also go the other way around, like:
"Yeah, did what to you? I didn't do anything at all. How do you come up with it?"
Wilma indicated that her mother did know what she had done. But liars can continue to lie about it even then. A pathological liar may continue to lie and even accuse you of trying to guilt him then.
It's just one example, but you have to consider all scenarios. All scenarios should feel good to you, because that's not what you do it for.
So in situations like that, ask yourself 2 questions.
- Is it convenient to do?
- Want to do it?
I mentioned this to Wilma as well.
So you have to want this kind of business for yourself, regardless of the response you get. You should then go into it without expectations, to avoid disappointment.
She thought that's another reason she hadn't called her mother yet. I pointed out that in that case you don't actually suffer from procrastination, you just don't feel like it.
For example, I don't go to many things because I don't like it. For example, if a movie only gets one star, I won't go to that. That movie will probably be a disappointment. Of course, that is different from if you are afraid of disappointment with family.
So I asked her, "Imagine your mother is dead next week. Will you regret not being there? Do you feel sh*t then?".
Then Wilma wondered if she couldn't solve it better spiritually. After all, if her mother died, she would be her true self. So no that didn't feel bad to her.
I also often say that you are really lucky if you have dear parents who are top-notch and sweet and who are fun with each other as well. A lot of people are not that lucky. So should you be loyal to people who kick you to the ground all the time? You don't do that to strangers or friends either. If it happens to be your father or mother. Then you can thank them for having you in the world, but that's it.
I also told Wilma this. "You have to ask yourself then, who am I still doing it for?".
Intergenerational issues
Wilma indicated that she did understand her mother and that she actually wanted to look at her grandmother's role as well. After all, she had been an even worse mother than her mother. So her mother had actually done better.
This is kind of interesting and actually not unique. There are patterns in every family that continue from generation to generation . These can be passed on very strongly, less strongly or not at all. Research shows that when people are better educated, patterns tend to be passed on less strongly[2]. This is interesting, though, because it says something about the importance of knowledge.
So why did her grandmother act this way? I indicated that it is very likely that the grandmother's mother was not very nice then either.
She also indicated then that there was a pattern of mother-hatred in her family. Her mother was now alone as well. When I asked if she had children of her own, she indicated that she had one.
That connection wasn't always great before either, but through podcasts she had listened to she had come to the realization that her child is a being with a life of her own. This allowed her to let go more, which made the relationship better and the child happier.
Her son was sixteen, which actually meant she had already done better than her mother. After all, her brother had left at fifteen. So there was already an upward trend there, I indicated.
I went on to suggest that she could break the line of bad relationships with mothers in her family.
"Look, that's very hard when you come from a line of where everyone hates their mother. Well, then you're a mother. Then you already know what's on your plate. Somebody who's going to hate you or want to hate you-or at least there's something. Yes, but so apparently if you do something different from the rest of that whole line, you break it for that whole line as well... Yes, and then of course it can be nice that you say "well, then I'll go to my mother. Even though I don't want to and then I'm just going to love her. Just, bam. I'm going to break that whole thing. I don't feel like at some point my son will also leave me in a house and not come over. I don't feel like that at all" and that's up to you of course... Everybody has to know everything for themselves, fine "but I don't feel like that, so I'm just going to break that right now... Then I'm going to get pissed off. I don't care and I'll just say this, "Moe, I love you. I know where you're coming from. I feel super k*t for you, but I'm going to do things differently and I just love you." And then ... well, you don't know what happens, but at least here you just make that decision. You say, "Well, with me it stops."
So did I. With me, it was more in my father's line that they got all kinds of things at 16. I stopped that. I just decided somewhere, whatever happened I stop it. It's not going into the next generation. I'll create another generational line with new traumas."
Wilma also indicated that she had done things wrong, but at least not what her mother had done wrong.
I indicated to her that if she then goes to her mother and thus breaks that line, she will see that she will heal that whole line. This may even have positive effects on her son's behavior. Then suddenly he may seem calmer or something like that.
This then comes from deciding to do things differently.
I asked her what happened when she thought about it that way.
Actually, she was already thinking about when she would go to see her mother next.
That was totally super and with this I could make the connection to power that this would release.
"Imagine you break that for that whole line of women behind you. Then you don't know what they went through. You don't know exactly, but with you it stops ... Yeah ... Wow ... How powerful is that? Do you know how much extra power you get then? What do you think, all those spirits in heaven, your great-grandmother, all those women who are going to encourage you. Yes, because you get a lot of power in return. You are then suddenly helped a lot.
Yes, at one point when I made that decision, I also felt a lot more help. Yes, from grandpa, another grandpa ... I don't know who all, but just a lot of help just like that. A kind of "thanks huh" of "eh that you do this for us, because we couldn't do it" or "we weren't in a position or we didn't know" can also... Yes, now there is a lot of knowledge, so you can figure out how to change something... Yes, my grandfather who didn't have all that and my father too. Yeah, you can't blame them for that either. But yes, we know, so we can do something with it. If we do it too ... life changing though."
Wilma also indicated at the time that she also hoped she could enlighten her sister with it. Actually, she wanted to help everyone then, since depression and those kinds of problems also ran in her family. Fortunately, she had already picked up that you yourself are your best psychologist.
That, of course, is totally awesome. At Hypnosis Institute Netherlands, we also always say that everyone has the solution within them, the therapist just helps you find that solution.
I did indicate that there are no guarantees that if you make your own decision and change, it will help your family right away. However, you do set an example, it can work through over time.
But, of course, there are those who don't change. There are, and that's fine, too.
In the end, it comes down to your own decision. In my case, it was that it would stop with me and that my sons would not be affected. The rest I have nothing to do with, but that line that stops.
Then I indicated: "Imagine: you make that decision, then those people after you will be a lot better off. That could be hundreds of people, after all. That will take a few years, but in your line it will get better. Somewhere it may also have happened like this a few hundred years ago that someone set this in motion. But you can do something about it. You have that awareness."
I went on a bit more about this awareness and that that can make you feel like you should do it then.
Then when she thought about it and the assignments from her training she still got the feeling of "yes, I should just write it down."
It also felt calmer. Of course, this was also because that assignment felt much smaller than healing the female lineage in her family.
I indicated to her that she could become the cause of a nice change and then put it in the book. To this she completely agreed, that she herself could become the cause of a particular consequence.
I also indicated that she could choose to be the cause of positive outcomes.
Afterwards, when she started thinking about procrastination , she still got more of an idea that she was going to do what she needed to do with the training and connecting with her mother.
At the end, I instructed her to recall the feeling she got from procrastination, but she couldn't. That's always special anyway. I always indicate this, too, and when people go along with this I know it worked.
Then I also frame the feeling to that it's actually a nice feeling. That the feeling is due to the changed perspective. The perspective has changed and so the feeling has changed.
That feeling alone heals. The idea alone has a healing effect. The intention already heals.
Watch the entire session here:
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