Whine, everyone whines sometimes. For example, you can whine endlessly to your partner because you want to do something together or necessarily have something. You can nag endlessly to your children that they need to do their homework, especially if they just really don't do it otherwise.
What is nagging?
What exactly is nagging? Whining can refer to several things, but are mostly about prolonged efforts to achieve a certain goal. Usually, nagging is about wanting to change the behavior or mood of another person, who is usually not immediately open to it.
According to the Van Dale, nagging is:
- Annoying talk about minutiae.
- Long-term persistence to get your way.
- Being difficult and persistent[1].
So when you nag, you hope to get something done with the person you are nagging at. Usually this is done by capitalizing on guilt.
There are multiple ways a person can nag, such as:
1-Topic nag: "You were supposed to take out the trash." A short pause "You said you were going to take out the trash." After x-number of minutes "What about the trash? It's still there."
Multi-issue nag: "The grass in the yard is too tall. You really need to paint that door. The door is still jamming. Why is the TV acting weird...etc."
Good-for-you: "Have you taken your medicine yet? You shouldn't eat that, it's bad for you."
Third-party whine: "The neighbor has already taken out the trash, though. By the time you take action, the trash will soon have been picked up."
Warning nag: "Do you buckle up before you drive off, I don't feel like getting another fine like last week."
It's important to do something about nagging. After all, if you always put it to one side, it can cause the whining party to feel unheard, become angry and even resentful. Not responding to nagging at all can cause your relationship to deteriorate.
Unfortunately, it is all too appealing to ignore nagging because nagging usually takes place when you have just gotten home from work. You just want a break, but then those daily chores come up that still need to be done. As a man, it's still fun to open a jar to show your manliness, but when there really is a chore to be done, it's less fun. As a woman, it's not always nice when your husband suddenly expects you to cook a three-course meal when you've also had a hard day at work. Still, therefore, you should not always ignore the "nagging".
On the other hand, you really shouldn't nag too much, this can cause alienation from each other within your relationship.
Men nag
Men can whine just like women, however, usually the whining is about other topics. For example, the importance of soccer on television on Sunday night, being able to play games, beer, the car, beer, whether or not you have makeup on, beer.
So men do nag, but in a different way than women.
Women nag
This difference is because women have more active brain parts when they talk. This is also why they generally talk more than men[2].
Women are also more focused on managing multiple tasks and can more easily switch between the task they are working on than men. If a man then has multiple tasks still to complete, "nagging" for those tasks can be overwhelming for the man.
After all, men can only focus on 1 task at a time. This is why, for example, they blame the woman for missing a turn when she was talking at the time. Or why everyone has to be quiet when he is talking on the phone.
Friend thinks I'm whining
If your friend indicates that you are nagging there is a chance (but it does not have to be the case) that you are putting too many chores or dings on his to-do list at once. Therefore, try to stick to 1 thing per evening.
If necessary, keep track of what you are "nagging" about in a journal to double-check whether it is really out of control or not.
Otherwise, agree with each other that on certain nights there will be no talking about chores that still need to be done.
On the other hand, your friend may start to wonder a few things, namely:
- Do I still listen to my girlfriend or ignore her as completely as possible?
- Do I understand her frustrations?
- Do I give her credit for what she accomplishes?
- Do I find certain tasks beneath my dignity because I am the breadwinner?
- Am I just lazy and don't care about hair?
- Do I act superior and just want to make her feel bad?
- Is there a deeper issue why I don't want to participate?
- Do I want to be happy?
Especially if you want to be happy your friend will also need to take some time to talk to you about the problems in your relationship so you can come to a solution together.
Less nagging
Whining is often also an indirect way of indicating that you have an underlying problem with your partner. This is especially true for women.
Discuss the real problem
Therefore, first check for yourself what the "big" underlying problem is right now. Maybe you already know and maybe it is still a bit vague. If it is still somewhat vague, a hypnotherapist can help you identify the problem by conducting a Socratic Conversation, for example.
During such a conversation, the why question is repeated several times, for example, "Why do you keep going on about the chores your friend/husband/partner still has to do?" Then to that answer, the why question is asked again. This allows you to get to the heart of what you actually want to say.
If you then say that to your partner instead of continuing to whine about other issues, the actual problem can be solved and that makes the relationship a lot more pleasant.
Men also respond better to direct communication than indirect, and solving the actual problem also helps improve your relationship.
Tell us how you feel
If your partner comes home late and you have been waiting for hours, it is more helpful to say you feel lonely without him/her than to call that person selfish and get angry.
By being more vulnerable, you give your partner the opportunity to be vulnerable too. This is the beginning of coming to a solution together so that the nagging will also decrease.
If you find it difficult to express your emotions you can use hypnosis to find out why this is so and remove blocks to expressing emotions.
I did this with hypnosis myself (before I really got into it) and then I found out that once during a funeral I had figured out that as a man you apparently don't cry, this failure to express grief ended up causing all sorts of problems. Now that I can express my emotions, everything is going a lot better in my life.
So instead of saying "you are always late," you can focus on describing the behavior, what you think about it and what feelings it gives you and how you will feel when this behavior does not stop/change.
"I notice you've been coming in late all week. This makes me worry about whether you are working too hard or cheating. This makes me feel lonely and not a priority. If this continues I will just go crazy worrying about you."
You can also visualize this first with a hypnotist so it becomes less exciting when you actually do it.
Don't nag your children
Getting your children to do what you want can cause you to nag your child as well, such as: "You have to put your clothes in the wash, please put your clothes in the wash, I don't want to take dirty clothes out of your room all the time, you have to put them in the wash yourself."
Continuing to repeat what they need to do can make your child think it is normal for you to do this, and as you get angrier and angrier this can cause your child to get angry at you again.
Instead, it is more convenient to tell your child that from now on you only say things once and if he/she does not respond to it it is his/her choice. Then you have to be strong enough not to still pick up those dirty clothes. At some point the penny will drop that dirty clothes really don't get washed until they end up in the laundry basket.
This is a process that requires a long breath, though.
In short nagging is a common problem and will have long-term negative effects on your relationship with your partner and children. So it is very important that you live in harmony and do not have long-term nagging. Hypnosis is a good step to effectively solve this problem.
Want to know what hypnosis feels like and how hypnosis can help you express your emotions better than nagging or ignoring them? Then come to a the free online master class to learn about hypnosis.
Want to get started right away with techniques to help yourself and others? Then enroll in one of our seminars or trainings.
Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:
Sources:
[1] https://www.vandale.nl/gratis-woordenboek/nederlands/betekenis/zeuren#.XbriZJpKiUk
[2] Why Men Lie & Women Cry: How to get what you want from life by asking. (2016) Allan Pease, Barbara Pease. Pag.
