So when is verbal abuse?

May 29, 2017

Abuse is not something that always happens physically. Verbal abuse can also be a big problem and a lot of damage can be done as a result, but what is verbal abuse? Where can you be affected by verbal abuse? What are the consequences of verbal abuse and what can you do about it?

I address all of these questions in this blog. So be sure to read on.

Meaning of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse consists of statements intended to hurt another person. It is often an attack on a person’s self-image. Insulting someone, threatening them, accusing them, being negative, and repeatedly bringing up a painful event from the past are all forms of verbal abuse.

Cause of verbal abuse

A person often uses verbal abuse when they are not good at arguing a particular point. For example, if you disagree with Wilders' views but can't articulate it well you start talking about his crazy blond hair. Or you call him a Nazi because of that crazy blond hair.

If you can come up with arguments instead of swearing and playing at the person, you actually prevent the use of verbal abuse.

Personal issues that are unresolved can also cause a person to use verbal abuse. This is basically taking out your personal frustrations on someone else. Of course, this is not going to solve the verbal abuse, nor is it going to solve the personal issues that make someone frustrated.

Looking down on other people can also lead someone to engage in verbal abuse. Hatred toward a specific person is then expressed through verbal aggression, such as name-calling.

In addition, the social environment you are in can also have a great deal of influence on the use of verbal abuse. For example, if this is "normal" or 1 of your parents often uses it in arguments you may think that this is the "normal" way to have arguments.

Examples of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is not always obvious. Swearing is obvious, but being negative and carrying on old hat are not always the most obvious cases of verbal abuse. Yet this can do quite a bit of damage to your self-esteem.

For example, if someone says something very nasty and then says "joke!" this is a form of verbal abuse. By saying the joke they are actually indicating that by doing so they feel that your boundary may be crossed.

"You're really fat.... joke!"

You will be blamed for things that are out of your control. For example, if you had planned a fun day and then it starts raining, suddenly the fun rainy day was your idea. Whereas while you were planning you couldn't have known it would rain either.

"It was your stupid idea to go to De Keukenhof."

Being judged or criticized , especially when it happens constantly, is also an example of verbal abuse. A statement that includes “you” is often a form of verbal abuse.

"You're never satisfied either."

Downplaying your problems is also a form of verbal aggression. Everyone has problems, and sometimes one problem is indeed bigger than another. However, that doesn’t mean the smaller problem isn’t a problem at all.

"Your problem? My problem is only a real problem. You shouldn't act like one."

If someone wants something from you and doesn't ask, but instead asks, that is also a form of verbal aggression.

"Give me the car keys."

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Symptoms of mental abuse

Of course, verbal aggression occurs from time to time. This is especially true when commands are used instead of questions, but if this happens constantly, it can actually cause real harm. If you were emotionally abused as a child — through verbal aggression—this can lead to bipolar disorder, anxiety, addictions , and depression as an adult .

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As an adult, verbal aggression can lead to increased levels of stress hormones ( 3). This, in turn, can impair your ability to concentrate, contribute to the development of anxiety, and—in cases of prolonged stress—can even lead to symptoms of depression.

Verbal aggression in a marriage

Verbal aggression also occurs in relationships. Research shows that people in a blinkered relationship are more likely to experience physical aggression and verbal aggression than people who have always been in a steady relationship or who have no contact with their ex after things break up( 4).

Verbal aggression in a relationship is also bad for the relationship. During the moment of verbal aggression, you as the recipient may become stressed because you also feel that you may not be receiving the message properly "No he/she doesn't say that.". This stress, in turn, can also cause you to trust your partner less. Trust is necessary for a healthy relationship and that is lacking when there is too much verbal aggression( 5).

Workplace harassment

If verbal aggression is only encountered in your adult life, it has different consequences. With verbal aggression at work, it can cause you, naturally, to be less satisfied with your job. Faster to look for other work.

The study ( 6) in which this was highlighted examined verbal aggression among young nurses. This is because young people who are just starting to work at companies are more likely to experience verbal aggression from colleagues than those who have been with a company longer and are somewhat older.

Is verbal aggression a precursor to physical violence?

Verbal aggression does not always have to be a prelude to physical violence. However, it is more likely in marriages where both partners are verbally aggressive. If only 1 partner is verbally aggressive, the likelihood of physical violence is already much lower.

In doing so, this type of violence can also be prevented by being selective in the verbal aggression you do and do not accept.

Tips against verbal aggression

Verbal aggression is very annoying, but fortunately there are several things you can do to suffer less from it.

Tip #1: Have self-compassion

Self-compassion benefits both the person who is verbally aggressive and the person receiving the aggression. Research shows that self-compassion helps to have a healthy relationship with accompanying behavior( 7). This makes you less likely to use verbal aggression yourself, and in addition, the verbal aggression has less impact when you have self-compassion.

In the process, it also boosts your self-confidence.

Tip 2: Know when to quit the discussion

There is a difference between having a spirited discussion and an argument where one person is a dork and the other person is a dork. Avoid reaching that point by stopping the discussion. If nothing else, just agree to disagree.

Tip 3: Indicate when the conversation goes from constructive to destructive

A discussion and difference of opinion can get out of hand. The moment this happens you can say so, so the discussion goes back to arguments rather than verbal aggression.

"I understand you're angry, but you don't have to scold me."

Tip 4: Walk away if the verbal aggression doesn't stop

Have you warned your interlocutor to stop playing on the person instead of addressing the arguments and nothing changes? Then walk away from the situation. You can add that if he/she does want to respond to arguments then you can continue talking.

Sometimes verbally aggressive people just need a little extra space.

If you are experiencing verbal aggression, you can also distance yourself by taking a walk or running errands alone.

Tip 5: Respond with care

Usually verbal aggression is not personal even if it seems that way. Therefore, above all, do not take it personally, but respond with care.

There may be an underlying reason for the verbal aggression, such as work-related stress or financial problems. In that case, try to come up with a solution to the underlying problem or give the person space to think about a solution themselves.

Tip #6: Don't say sorry if you're not guilty of something

Verbal aggression can also be used to manipulate you into admitting to something you didn’t do. Don’t let yourself be backed into a corner, and don’t apologize for things you have no control over.(8)

Tip 7: Use self-hypnosis

Do you often experience verbal aggression, or are you verbally aggressive yourself? If so, you can use self-hypnosis to build more self-confidence and calm down more quickly when you’re dealing with verbal aggression caused by stress.

Would you like to learn more about using hypnosis and other mental techniques to build self-confidence and find calm in your life? Then check out the free online masterclass on hypnosis. You can also explore the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.

Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:

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