So when is verbal abuse?

Abuse is not something that always happens physically. Verbal abuse can also be a big problem and a lot of damage can be done as a result, but what is verbal abuse? Where can you be affected by verbal abuse? What are the consequences of verbal abuse and what can you do about it?

I address all of these questions in this blog. So be sure to read on.

Meaning of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is expression that has the purpose of hurting another person. It is often an attack on a person's self-image of themselves. Calling someone names, threatening them, being suspicious, being negative and repeatedly bringing up an unpleasant event from the past are forms of verbal abuse.

Cause of verbal abuse

A person often uses verbal abuse when they are not good at arguing a particular point. For example, if you disagree with Wilders' views but can't articulate it well you start talking about his crazy blond hair. Or you call him a Nazi because of that crazy blond hair.

If you can come up with arguments instead of swearing and playing at the person, you actually prevent the use of verbal abuse.

Personal issues that are unresolved can also cause a person to use verbal abuse. This is basically taking out your personal frustrations on someone else. Of course, this is not going to solve the verbal abuse, nor is it going to solve the personal issues that make someone frustrated.

Looking down on other people can also cause a person to use verbal abuse. Hatred for a particular person is then expressed through verbal aggression, such as swearing.

In addition, the social environment you are in can also have a great deal of influence on the use of verbal abuse. For example, if this is "normal" or 1 of your parents often uses it in arguments you may think that this is the "normal" way to have arguments.

Examples of verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is not always obvious. Swearing is obvious, but being negative and carrying on old hat are not always the most obvious cases of verbal abuse. Yet this can do quite a bit of damage to your self-esteem.

For example, if someone says something very nasty and then says "joke!" this is a form of verbal abuse. By saying the joke they are actually indicating that by doing so they feel that your boundary may be crossed.

"You're really fat.... joke!"

You will be blamed for things that are out of your control. For example, if you had planned a fun day and then it starts raining, suddenly the fun rainy day was your idea. Whereas while you were planning you couldn't have known it would rain either.

"It was your stupid idea to go to De Keukenhof."

Condemning or criticizing you, especially if it is ongoing, is also an example of verbal abuse. An expression using "you" is often such a verbal violence expression.

"You're never satisfied either."

Reducing your problems is also a form of verbal aggression. Everyone has problems, and indeed sometimes one problem is bigger than another. However, that does not mean that the small problem is not a problem.

"Your problem? My problem is only a real problem. You shouldn't act like one."

If someone wants something from you and doesn't ask, but instead asks, that is also a form of verbal aggression.

"Give me the car keys."

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Symptoms of mental abuse

Of course, verbal aggression occurs everywhere from time to time. Particularly command rather than demand, but when this is on an ongoing basis it can cause real harm. If you were mentally abused in childhood , with verbal aggression, it can cause you to suffer from bipolar disorder, anxiety, addictions and depression as an adult .

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As an adult, verbal aggression can increase stress hormones(3). That, in turn, is bad for your ability to concentrate, develop anxiety, and with prolonged stress can even lead to depressive symptoms.

Verbal aggression in a marriage

Verbal aggression also occurs in relationships. Research shows that people in a blinkered relationship are more likely to experience physical aggression and verbal aggression than people who have always been in a steady relationship or who have no contact with their ex after things break up(4).

Verbal aggression in a relationship is also bad for the relationship. During the moment of verbal aggression, you as the recipient may become stressed because you also feel that you may not be receiving the message properly "No he/she doesn't say that.". This stress, in turn, can also cause you to trust your partner less. Trust is necessary for a healthy relationship and that is lacking when there is too much verbal aggression(5).

Workplace harassment

If verbal aggression is only encountered in your adult life, it has different consequences. With verbal aggression at work, it can cause you, naturally, to be less satisfied with your job. Faster to look for other work.

The study(6) that highlighted this looked at verbal aggression in young nurses. This is because especially young people who are just starting to work at companies are more likely to experience verbal aggression from colleagues than people who have been working at a company for longer and are older.

Is verbal aggression a precursor to physical violence?

Verbal aggression does not always have to be a prelude to physical violence. However, it is more likely in marriages where both partners are verbally aggressive. If only 1 partner is verbally aggressive, the likelihood of physical violence is already much lower.

In doing so, this type of violence can also be prevented by being selective in the verbal aggression you do and do not accept.

Tips against verbal aggression

Verbal aggression is very annoying, but fortunately there are several things you can do to suffer less from it.

Tip #1: Have self-compassion

Self-compassion benefits both the person who is verbally aggressive and the person receiving the aggression. Research shows that self-compassion helps to have a healthy relationship with accompanying behavior(7). As a result, you yourself are less likely to use verbal aggression, and in addition, the verbal aggression has less impact when you have self-compassion.

In the process, it also boosts your self-confidence.

Tip 2: Know when to quit the discussion

There is a difference between having a spirited discussion and an argument where one person is a dork and the other person is a dork. Avoid reaching that point by stopping the discussion. If nothing else, just agree to disagree.

Tip 3: Indicate when the conversation goes from constructive to destructive

A discussion and difference of opinion can get out of hand. The moment this happens you can say so, so the discussion goes back to arguments rather than verbal aggression.

"I understand you're angry, but you don't have to scold me."

Tip 4: Walk away if the verbal aggression doesn't stop

Have you warned your interlocutor to stop playing on the person instead of addressing the arguments and nothing changes? Then walk away from the situation. You can add that if he/she does want to respond to arguments then you can continue talking.

Sometimes verbally aggressive people just need a little extra space.

If you are experiencing verbal aggression, you can also distance yourself by taking a walk or running errands alone.

Tip 5: Respond with care

Usually verbal aggression is not personal even if it seems that way. Therefore, above all, do not take it personally, but respond with care.

There may be an underlying reason for verbal aggression, such as stress from work or financial problems. If so, try instead to come up with a solution to the underlying problem or give the person space to think about a solution themselves.

Tip #6: Don't say sorry if you're not guilty of something

Verbal aggression can also be used to manipulate you into admitting something you haven't done. Don't let yourself be backed into a corner and don't say sorry for things out of your control.(8)

Tip 7: Use self-hypnosis

Do you often suffer from verbal aggression or are you verbally aggressive? Then you can use self-hypnosis to build more self-confidence and calm down faster if you suffer from verbal aggression due to stress.

Want to learn more about how to use hypnosis and other mental techniques for more confidence and calmness in your life? Then come take the free online master class on hypnosis. While doing so, you can also check out the training courses of the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands.

Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:

tips against verbal abuse

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