Stopping self-defeating through self-esteem: 5 signs

Recently, during an Instagram Live session , I helped Elke, who was struggling with “putting herself last.” This was because she constantly felt she had to prove her worth.

Perhaps you recognize yourself in her story: a mother who, despite her tireless care for her children, feels like she has "nothing to add" to the world. She's not the only one. Many people struggle with the feeling of not being good enough.

Society and our own inner critic often whisper to us that we need to do more, achieve more, and “add” more to be of value . This can lead to a vicious cycle of insecurity and exhaustion.

But what if I told you that this thinking is a myth? That your self-esteem lies not in doing more, but in recognizing the immense value you already are and radiate daily, even if you don't see it yourself?

As a hypnotherapist, I see every day how deeply these beliefs are rooted, but also how quickly they can transform once you realize: your worth is inherent—it’s not something you have to earn.

Watch the entire session with Elke here.

In this blog article, we debunk the importance of perfection, highlight invisible contributions and offer you concrete insights to increase your self-esteem and discover your inner strength.

Why you're already complete

We live in a culture that often prioritizes achievement and productivity above all else. From a young age, we’re taught that we must “contribute something” to society, that simply “being” isn’t enough. For example, many young people link the grades they get in school to their self-worth[1]. In that case, high grades were the achievements linked to self-esteem.

This is exactly the trap that Elke—and many others like her—fell into. The thought “I don’t contribute anything” is painful, but also universal. It stems from a deep-rooted belief that we are only valuable if we meet external standards.

However, this belief ignores a fundamental truth: You are already complete. You don't have to "add" anything to be valuable. You already are value. Think of a tree, it doesn't have to do anything to be valuable. Its mere existence is a contribution. In the same way, your pure presence, your unique being, is an invisible but powerful contribution to the world. The search for value outside yourself is like trying to fill a void that is not there. It is the beginning of the vicious cycle we want to break out of.

It’s crucial to understand that this “not good enough” feeling isn’t the truth, but a product of programmed thoughts. “Who says you have to add anything? No one,” as discussed in the session. It is a collective illusion that keeps us from discovering our inner strength.

All the while, research also shows that you feel better when your self-esteem depends on your own internal things, and not on what external factors (such as other people) say about how valuable you are[2].

If the people around you do have a significant influence, it’s still important that they let you know they like you for who you are, not for what you do or what you’ve achieved. If those around you primarily communicate with you based on the latter, it can make you unnecessarily defensive [3].

With hypnosis, you can already improve your self-image from your own inner values[4].

The power of your daily existence

The value we create is often hidden in everyday things, right where we least expect it. The interaction with Elke during the breakthrough session demonstrated this perfectly. She saw her tireless care for her two needy children as "putting yourself away," while the therapist highlighted it as tremendous, irreplaceable value.

Let's delve deeper into this concept with concrete examples:

1. Motherhood (or parenthood): An invisible source of value

To Elke, her role as a mother of two children (one of whom has special needs) felt like a burden, a reason to put herself last. She literally ran until she collapsed. But what is the reality?

• Unconditional Care: The ability to constantly give, soothe, nurture and protect, as Elke did when her son sought attention during the session. That calm, loving response is invaluable to a child's emotional development.
• Shaping the future: "You've added two people to the world," it was said. And who knows, maybe there is a genius among them who finds a solution to cancer. Your existence, your love, your sacrifice (whatever you call it), creates the foundation for their lives. This is a gigantic, and often invisible, contribution to humanity.
• Long-term impact: Your children will later look back on a childhood where they were allowed to be who they were, with all their "fierceness" and "anger. That acceptance and the safe haven you provide is what molds them into stable adults.

This goes beyond just motherhood. It applies to anyone who contributes in a caring or supportive way, whether as a parent, partner, friend, or caregiver. These “invisible” acts of love and care are the glue that holds our society together. They are the purest form of value, because they often stem from unconditional love.

2. Your unique presence: "A is A"

I introduced the powerful exercise "A is A": a hand is a hand, a closet is a closet, a file is a file. The thoughts that follow, such as: "my hand is old," "that closet needs to be polished," "the file is terrible," are our own additions, our "B's. These "B's" are often the source of our suffering and feeling "not good enough.

Life is, in fact, neutral. Reality, the “A,” is always neutral. Your value is inherent, just like the facts around you. You don’t need to attach a “B” to it to be valuable.

A human being is a human being. You don't have to be anything more than that. The belief that you need to do more than "just be there" is a learned idea, not a fundamental truth.

Start by observing, and experience how liberating that is. By practicing “A is A,” you’ll begin to see that thoughts like “I’m worthless” are just thoughts. They aren’t the truth. And when you observe them without identifying with them, they lose their hold on you. This is a direct path to experiencing your inner strength.

This exercise helps you distance yourself from your inner critic. You learn that you are not your thoughts, but you are the observer of your thoughts.

Searching for value outside yourself: a false promise

Elke thought working would give her value: "then you do add something." But the therapist rightly pointed out the pitfall: even then, new problems arise, new reasons to feel "not good enough. It never ends, because the search for value outside yourself always has a false final chord.

We often see this in people who are looking for a new career after experiencing burnout : the urge to “make a difference” is strong, but if a foundation of self-worth is lacking, even the most noble work can lead to disappointment.

3. The idea of perfection unraveled

"Everything is already going perfectly." This is one of the most confrontational statements from the session. Not "perfect" in the sense of flawless, but perfect in the sense of "exactly as it goes." It doesn't get more perfect than this.

• Acceptance of “what is”: Your life, with all its challenges and imperfections, is perfect just as it is. Accepting the facts as they are, without putting a negative spin on them, is a form of radical self-respect.
• The delusion of ideals: Striving for an external image of perfection (the perfect job, the perfect parenting, the perfect social life) is an endless race you can never win. That "B" you stick to your "A" is the source of all your frustration.
• Your authentic self is enough: The moments when you are your authentic self, like Elke's calm interactions with her children, are the moments when your value shines the most. No "add-on" is needed for that.

Practical steps to recognize your value today

Shifting your perception is a practice, not a one-time revelation. Here are concrete steps, inspired by the session, to boost your self-esteem:

1. Practice the "A is A" thought-stop

This is a fundamental exercise from the session:

• Choose an object: Look at an object around you (e.g., a cup, a tree, your hand).
• Name the object neutrally: Say in your mind, "This is a cup." or "Hand is hand."
• Observe your thoughts: Notice the thoughts that come immediately after ("It's an ugly cup," "My hands are old").
• Don't identify: Laugh at them, or just observe them. "Oh, there's that thought again." Understand that the thought is not the truth, and that you are not that thought. This helps overcome the not good enough feeling.
• Repeat: The more often you do this, the more stillness comes into your mind. It's like car driving lessons: impossible at first, but with practice it succeeds.

2. Recognize your invisible contributions

Make a list of the ways you are of value that you might consider "normal.

• Caring Actions: Do you care about others? Do you offer a listening ear? Do you help your family? These are huge contributions.
• Your presence: Sometimes just your presence is enough for someone. A smile, a friendly greeting - this can make all the difference.
• What you already do without thinking: You take care of yourself, you organize your day, you breathe. These are all evidence of your existence and your will to be there.
• Your unique attributes: Are you a calming factor, an inspiration, a listening ear? These character traits are of inherent value.

3. Embrace imperfection

The idea of perfection is the enemy of self-esteem.

• Accept "what is": Your life is the way it is, and that's okay. Striving for an ideal image outside yourself is a war of attrition.
• Normalize your struggles: Everyone "struggles. No one fully understands life. This acceptance is liberating and creates space for self-compassion.
• Laugh at yourself: The therapist advised Elke to laugh at the thoughts that arise. When you can view your inner circus with humor, you lose identification with it. "Oh, there she goes again with those old hands."

Common pitfalls in self-esteem

The road to healthy self-esteem enhancement has pitfalls. Be aware of these patterns:

You may constantly seek external validation. You’re always looking at what others think of you, or comparing your achievements to those of others. This fuels the feeling of “not being good enough.”

You believe you have to work hard for values. Without effort, there is apparently no value. The idea that your value is proportional to your productivity or effort. Your value is a birthright, not a reward.

You are stuck in the "circus of thoughts." This means you identify yourself with every negative thought that comes up. Before you know it, you are in a cycle of negative judgments about yourself.

When others don't feel happy you feel a responsibility to change this, often at the expense of yourself. While caring is wonderful, it can spill over into completely removing yourself. It is important to recognize and fulfill your own needs.

You are already valuable, always

Elke's journey illustrates a universal truth: the search for value is often a search for something you already possess. Your self-worth doesn't start with adding accomplishments, but with peeling away the beliefs that tell you that you are not enough.

Your ability to love, care, be present, or simply breathe are already invisible but immense contributions. You are complete. You are valuable. Even that voice in your head whispering that you are not, is just a thought you can learn to observe without going along with it.

The ultimate liberation is the realization that you are not your past, nor are you your thoughts. You are already safe, already valuable. It is a practice, a lifelong journey of self-observation and acceptance. Start today with the “A is A” exercise and give yourself the loving recognition you deserve. Because your worth? It’s not conditional—it’s a fact.

Additional hypnosis for stopping self-loathing

A powerful hypnosis technique to break this pattern is to create a vivid visualization of your desired behavior. In hypnosis, I guide you to a situation in the near future where you would normally be inclined to give yourself away.

But this time you see, hear and feel yourself choosing what makes you feel good: you speak up, set a clear boundary or confidently say "no" to something that doesn't fit. The more details you add, such as the calm tone of your voice, the relaxed posture of your body, the satisfaction afterwards, the stronger your brain stores this as a new reality.

By reliving this positive scene regularly in hypnosis, you increase the likelihood that in real life you will automatically and guiltlessly choose to be yourself.

Be sure to watch the entire session with Elke to see which techniques helped her.

Helping others with hypnosis

Still want to do something with this knowledge to help yourself (and others)? Then it's helpful to have knowledge of hypnosis.

Join the free masterclass to get started.

Or register directly for one of our events or trainings.

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