Someone has a comment and you immediately feel the need to defend your behavior or defend your point of view with fervor. This often means you don't want to take anything from the other person and don't let them tell you anything. In some cases this can be good and in others it is harmful. In this blog I take a closer look at defensive behavior whether you should do something about it and then what you can do about it.
Meaning defensive
Defensive means defensive and it is a term that originates from the martial arts. So it has to do with defense and fighting. So it is a rather paradoxical term because you are defending fighting, so to speak.
Some people talk about defending defensively so they also talk about defending offensively.
Defending Yourself
Defending yourself is very common when your safety is at stake. For example, when you are falsely accused of something, it is quite natural to get angry about it and you, defend yourself against that accusation.
Defensive behavior can be just a little different than defending yourself. For example, when someone criticizes you, you go on the attack by returning criticism yourself. At work, for example, you get comments about how you handle something and you parry these comments by pointing out how the other person handles something wrong.
Or instead of doing something with that criticism, you shoot up in defense of why you do your job the way you do it. This in itself is not a big deal, but when this causes you to be totally unwilling to accept anything from the other person, it can affect your personal development.
Why do people suffer from defensive behavior?
Defensive behavior has a lot to do with how confident people are. If there is an imbalance between your unconscious sense of self-confidence and your conscious sense of self-confidence you are more likely to behave defensively than when they are in line with each other[1].
So this means that when you unconsciously have low self-confidence and when you think about yourself you think you do have high self-confidence you become defensive faster and the same is true in the opposite situation. You then unconsciously have a lot of self-confidence and consciously have less.
Another reason why you become defensive faster is because you did not bond well with your caregivers in childhood[2]. In fact, research shows that people who bonded well with other people feel safer and see threats much later than people who actually have attachment problems. This does not always mean that being able to attach well is better, because this can also lead to you really recognizing danger too late and thus showing necessary defensive behavior too late.
However, you also don't want to become defensive in the face of danger that just isn't really dangerous, and so that can be the case when you don't attach well to people. You then don't see the world as a safe place, as people who can attach themselves usually do.
Defensive behavior at work
Defensive behavior at work can be very harmful. There are also several studies dedicated to reducing defensive behavior at work to promote growth that way.
In many meetings, for example, defensive behavior is seen and this causes the results of such a meeting to be less than they could be. When people feel psychologically safe during a meeting, it creates better results. For example, more is learned from each other[3].
When people think they are not doing well, a sign of low self-esteem, it can cause them to think and act less well. What often happens with defensive behavior at work is that you want to work routine-like, because it feels fast and efficient. Sometimes you actually need creativity and need to think a little longer about what you are working on, this feels unproductive, but that is precisely the way to reduce defensive behavior at work.
When something is not going well, people hint at this at work more than it is clearly stated, for example, this is one such form of defensive behavior that is not picked up well by some people. If this is then not picked up, it can cause a project to stall or even fail.
The research cited cited 4 beliefs that lead to defensive behavior, namely:
- You want to be in control of yourself and the project.
- You want to win and not lose.
- You suppress negative emotions.
- You want to behave rationally.
To be more effective at work, the following very values/beliefs are recommended by researchers, leading to less defensive behavior:
- You want to find information you can test.
- You want to make choices based on (important) information.
- You want to control processes well to detect and resolve errors.
Hypnosis can help you transform beliefs to be the success factor at work instead of that stubborn defensive brush that makes everything go into 100.
This can even be done by providing recommended beliefs during hypnosis as a suggestion. You then get these types of suggestions to take home to practice during self-hypnosis.
Mindfulness is also widely used in organizations on complex projects to reduce defensive behavior.
Defensive behavior in your relationship(s)
Not just at work, you can also suffer from defensive behavior in your relationships. Especially in relationships, you would rather not hear information if it affects your self-image or your own sense of who you are and what behaviors you exhibit. If your partner tells you that you are doing something that you don't think is right, you prefer not to hear it.
Defensive behavior in a relationship usually means:
- Denying the other person's complaint.
- Calling the complainant too sensitive or crazy.
- Right back complaining about what else.
- Posing as a victim and pretending to be in pain so the complainer will stop.
- Say nothing and leave.
This can also make the complainant defensive again, and before you know it, you have an argument[4].
In a relationship, therefore, it is important to sometimes pretend to be more mature than you feel. Listen to the complaint and what is at the heart of it now, especially if it has been blurted out unhappily, and then try to find a solution together. If you disagree, tell them your view of the problem.
How to stop defensive behavior
So defensive behavior can occur in all kinds of situations. In your relationship, it can cause arguments, and at work, it can cause projects to struggle. So stopping defensive behavior is both good for your work, because you're more productive, and in your relationship, because you don't have an argument (just an awkward conversation).
You can start by implementing the tips above, but if that fails, it is important to work on your self-confidence and worldview.
The cause of defensive behavior often lies with your beliefs about yourself and the world. People who see the world as safe are less defensive, and people with an unconscious and conscious sense of self-confidence are also less defensive.
Changing your beliefs is pretty much the core of therapy with hypnosis. Initially, a hypnosis expert will start the conversation with you to find out what beliefs you have about, say, your job or how a relationship is supposed to be and who takes on what tasks, or whatever the problem is.
As mentioned when changing beliefs about how to do your job is possible with hypnotic suggestions. This can initially change your behavior. Another way to change your behavior and to be less defensive is with a post-hypnotic suggestion. With such a suggestion, you are given a kind of command that you will carry out the moment you become defensive. A post-hypnotic suggestion often comes at the end of a guided visualization in which you practice desired behavior, so to speak. For example:
"You are challenged by your partner on the fact that you overwork a lot. Deep down you know this is not helpful, but this is only for 3 months for an important project. Instead of starting about your partner's work or walking away, you listen to the complaint. You indicate that your partner is right. Explain what you are working overtime for and indicate to your boss that this overtime should be reduced one day a week anyway. In doing so, you also indicate to pay more attention to the home situation on weekends so that makes up for everything. The next time you get defensive you stay calm, listen and give your vision and a possible solution to the problem."
This is just an example of a guided visualization with post-hypnotic suggestion. Depending on your beliefs and problems with defensive behavior, a hypnosis expert may use other techniques.
Want to know about other techniques and how you can help yourself and others with hypnosis? Then come to a hypnosis playshop or enroll in one of our trainings.
Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:
[1]https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00207590601068134
[2]https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914005352
[3]https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Peter_Oeij/publication/306132338_Can_teams_benefit_from_using_a_mindful_infrastructure_when_defensive_behaviour_threatens_complex_innovation_projects/links/57ba97c108ae14f440bd9251/Can-teams-benefit-from-using-a-mindful-infrastructure-when-defensive-behaviour-threatens-complex-innovation-projects.pdf
[4]https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/presence-mind/201902/defensiveness-enemy-growth-and-good-relationships?collection=1125773
