Sometimes something has been done to you and it's a moment that continues to hurt you. You wish you could forget about it, but you can't. So how can you move on without that pain? You can do that by forgiving that person. So forgiving someone is done primarily for yourself. Even if you have done something to someone and you feel very badly about it, it is important that the other person forgives you. Otherwise you remain a victim of the consequences[1].
What is forgiven?
Forgiving is very similar to forgetting, but it is definitely not the same thing. Forgiving is actually the opposite of revenge. When something is done to you, there are two very natural reactions possible. You don't want to see the person who did something to you again and avoid it as much as possible or you want to do something back to the person who did something to you. This should then be at least as painful as what was done to you.
The downside of revenge is that most people view what they do to another as less serious than the person it was done to. As a result, the revenge action is seen as something you do to him, and so the perpetrator may feel like a victim, with the exact same natural reaction of avoiding or taking revenge.
In the case of taking revenge, this is how you end up in a vicious cycle.
With forgiveness, you break that very vicious cycle. So this is especially useful to do with people you do keep coming into contact with, such as at work, in your relationship or with family.
Note! If you forgive someone, it is helpful if that person has also apologized and promised to change his/her behavior and is doing so. If not, in the long run you may suffer from the doormat effect which is bad for your self-esteem.
So in forgiveness, you're basically saying:
"I'm going to let go of the pain of what you did to me and move on with my life, provided you improve your life too."
This is a forgiveness for someone you keep in touch with.
You can also forgive people with whom you do not keep in touch because, for example, they are totally unwilling or unable to change their behavior. In that case, forgiveness:
"I'm going to put the pain of what that person did behind me, because he/she no longer plays a role in my life."
Forgiveness, then, is letting go of what someone has done to you and in doing so, also leaving the option of revenge. You are clearly choosing for yourself rather than a lasting negative influence of that relationship.
Forgiving someone
Forgiving yourself and someone else often gives you a sense of relief and of a new beginning in your life. Forgiving someone else can give you a deeper level of life. Giving you that feeling at least and even the connection with the person you forgive can deepen because of it[2].
When you forgive someone else you often do so primarily for yourself. You then often hate that person and are bitter about how things have gone. These negative emotions can ruin your whole mindset, making them ruin your whole life.
To get rid of these feelings, it is important to forgive the other person.
Hypnosis can help you forgive someone. After all, it is very easy to get stuck in the problem. Hypnosis helps you with forgiveness as the hypnosis expert guides you through this.
What often helps to forgive someone is to look at the situation from the other person's side. This can be very difficult and that is where hypnosis helps you. While you are under hypnosis you visualize the moment you want to forgive the other person for. First you visualize it from your own point of view. Then you literally put yourself in that person's shoes and replay the moment, but from that person's point of view. The hypnosis expert helps you with this process and to properly empathize with the other person. This is especially helpful if you just can't imagine now why that person did what they did.
This makes it easier to forgive the other person. You can also visualize this forgiveness moment well while under hypnosis.
Forgiving your ex
If a relationship has broken down for one reason or another, you can still remain spiteful and bitter for a long time because of what happened. As a result, even your confidence in the gender you fall for can reach an all-time low.
You will be in a totally negative mindset.
If you have children with your ex-partner and you suffer from spiteful feelings and bitterness this can make parenting your children difficult. For example, you may suffer from (or cause) parental rejection, which is not something you will make your children happier in the long run.
Research shows that when divorced people with small children forgive each other it makes co-parenting easier[3].
In addition, there is a correlation between depression and not being able to forgive your ex[4]. You get all kinds of negative thoughts and that negative mood you then get makes you depressed. So being able to forgive your ex is important even if you don't have children together, for your own well-being.
What you ultimately do when forgiving your ex is to choose your own health. Otherwise, you will still give your ex too much power over your life. A hypnosis expert can help you forgive in the same way as above.
In addition, hypnotic suggestions can help you choose better for yourself. For example, you can repeat these suggestions out loud while under hypnosis.
These may include:
"I live in the here and now."
"My previous relationships do not affect my current relationships."
"To move forward, I have to let go of the past."
"I control my life, not someone else."
These are just examples of hypnotic suggestions. Depending on your problems with your ex-partner, a hypnosis expert may give you other suggestions to make forgiving your ex easier.
Forgiving Cheating
There are different degrees of cheating. Your partner may have had a one-night-stand, cheated emotionally, or had a long-term affair.
Research shows that men are more forgiving than women about all these types of cheating, and women are more likely to break off the relationship and avoid their (former) partner.
Revenge is especially an option for women if the man has had a long-term affair[5].
As a man, there is a correlation if your self-worth is determined by competitiveness that you see cheating as a signal that you are unattractive to your partner[6].
If you still want to move on with your partner after cheating, but suffer from feelings of unattractiveness, a hypnotherapist can help you with it. Whether you can and want to forgive someone depends on your beliefs about how the world works and how you function in it. With hypnosis you can find out blocking beliefs and check whether the belief makes sense or not.
One way this is done is with regression. With regression, you go back to the moment that made you unable to forgive your partner, for example. You go back to the moment when your subconscious decided that cheating was unforgivable.
Then you look at that moment from a different angle and with today's knowledge to check how logical it is that you find it unforgivable. If this shows that it is not logical at all, forgiveness comes more easily.
Does it just make sense? Then it's also easier to let go of the relationship itself.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving others is one thing, but sometimes it is also very important to forgive yourself. For example, if you have cheated and this has cost you your relationship you may suffer from feelings of guilt and shame.
These are feelings that will eventually help you stop repeating wrong behaviors, but if you get stuck in them, it's not something to be cheerful about either.
When forgiving yourself, it is an important moment to say to yourself:
"I did that, it wasn't good, I'm not going to do it again, and I'm letting it go now. I forgive myself for doing that."
This is the time when you let go of negative emotions.
When it comes to forgiving yourself, hypnosis is also a great tool. After all, you may have unconscious beliefs that make you feel you are not worthy of your own forgiveness. A hypnosis expert then helps you figure out and stop those beliefs.
At the same time, hypnosis experts help you with exercises of self-compassion to forgive yourself.
Want to learn more about how hypnosis works and how you can help yourself or others with it? Then come to a hypnosis playshop. Afterwards, you can already bring someone under hypnosis. You'll also see how hypnosis can help people with a problem, such as wanting to forgive someone but not being able to. Or enroll directly in one of our training courses to learn the techniques you can use to help people with hypnosis.
Also listen to this podcast on forgiveness:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/2597011-vergeven-moet-je-gewoon-nooit-doen?play=true
Sources:
[1] The psychology of forgiveness, ME McCullough, CV Witvliet - Handbook of positive psychology, 2002 page 446
[2] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF02354530
[3] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v38n01_02
[4] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10502556.2011.546233
[5] https://search.proquest.com/openview/dc0160c3bd0e86b782711e741ace9402/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=18750&diss=y
[6] https://www.utpjournals.press/doi/abs/10.3138/cjhs.2017-0023
