Loveless childhood: what to do

Growing up per se goes well for many people. A loving childhood is something the majority of people enjoy, but unfortunately some people actually suffer from a loveless childhood. This is a problem that can occur in all levels of society. If you are not mistreated, it does not automatically mean that you are loved. There are even children of parents who are incredibly well off financially, but still do not feel that they are loved.

To see what can cause those feelings and what you can do yourself in your adult life to recover from them.

If you struggled with a loveless childhood, you may find it difficult to form bonds with your family, which often makes it hard to form bonds in friendships or other relationships as well . In addition, growing up in a loveless environment can lead to low self-confidence and a lack of self-worth.

Longstanding research begun as early as 1966 shows that having a warm childhood is important for certain things in life, such as indeed bonding with other people, coping with stress and physical and psychological well-being.

However, a hot childhood cannot predict whether you will end up in a higher or lower social class or develop successfully in any other way. So whether you had a cold or hot childhood does not affect the work you get later and how much money you will make or how well you can develop your talents.

That in itself is good news.

Conditional Love

A major problem with not experiencing love is when love is made conditional on something—for example, doing well in school or having athletic talent.

This is a feeling that children may experience, for example, if they are not referred to the highest level of schooling. Or if they are only complimented for getting high grades and not for the process of aiming for a high grade at all during a test.

Conditional love can make you feel that if you can't do it you are a worthless person and in the process, tasks such as study or development at work can cause more stress than necessary as a result.

In the process, it can also cause you to take less pride in your work than you might. After all, work is something you have to do and not something you are exceptionally good at. While you may be much better at the work you do than many others. Surely that is something to be proud of.

Compliments may even be expressions you distrust as an adult because you think you only get a compliment for something you do and not for just who you are.

Such a conditional love affair can even cause you to leave your parental home earlier than economically possible. You then go to live with friends, for example, and refuse to come home. In the United States, 200,000 young people are homeless as a result.

What do you recognize love by?

Especially during the early years of life—say, from ages 0 to 5—it’s important to treat your child with love. Cuddling, treating your baby and toddler gently, responding to signs of stress, and immediately alleviating that stress are important for building a strong bond between parent and child, and they help the child feel loved.

If, as a parent, you’re not there when your child needs reassurance or a hug—because life as a child is simply difficult with all those new daily experiences—your child may develop feelings of insecurity as a result. This increases the likelihood that the child will start bullying other children.

Parental mental disorder

If one parent has a mental disorder, it can cause you to not grow up optimally and suffer from a loveless childhood. A mental disorder in 1 of the parents is not necessarily bad for your child, but it can cause normal routines for the child to be interrupted, causing the child to have to adjust his life too much.

For example, if your mother is narcissistic , this can cause you to feel insecure, make it difficult for you to form deep emotional bonds with others, and often lead you to become a “victim”in adult relationships.

Pretraction of 1 child

If you have multiple children you must be careful not to have 1 clear favorite child. Treating one child as a star and pulling ahead of another can also result in a feeling of not being loved. At least for the child who does not get the star treatment. In addition, the child who does get the star treatment may turn into a demanding adult, with whom he/she will not eventually make many friends either.

Sending too much from your child

Wanting to direct your child in the friends he has, the profile he chooses, the further education he chooses, the hobbies he/she has, thus preventing him/her from developing his/her own personal interests. This can make him/her feel unloved precisely because there is too little freedom of movement.

Also, if you are too critical, such as that you necessarily want your child to have grades consistently higher than an 8, it can be detrimental to the sense of love a child experiences.

Dangerous behavior

Abuse and drug use: if you engage in these behaviors as a parent, you cause your child immense harm. Your child must, at the very least, feel safe at home. If you abuse your child, they won’t feel safe, and if you’re out of it due to drugs, your child will generally receive too little attention and feel a lack of security.

Tips for getting over a loveless childhood

Whether you were mistreated or just denied attention, both can cause feelings of rejection and it can make it difficult for you to form relationships with people now. That's why I have the following tips for getting over a loveless childhood.

Tip 1: Don't confuse a No with a rejection

Sometimes things cannot be done, this does not immediately mean that you are totally rejected if someone says no to you once.

Tip 2: Realize it's not up to you

Very often, the cause of a rejecting parent can be traced to a family secret or marital problems between the parents that are taken out on the child. Whether or not you did your best in school, if your parents didn’t show you love, that behavior stems from their own beliefs, secrets, or personal issues—and not from anything you ever did wrong.

Tip 3: Value other relationships that do work

As you grow up, you may have a friendship where those parents feel much more like parents to you than your own parents do. Appreciate friendships that fill those kinds of roles and be aware that if your parents may not appreciate you for who you are there are plenty of other people who do appreciate you for who you are.

Tip 4: Strengthen your self-confidence with hypnosis

If you find that your self-esteem has taken a hit due to your parents' behavior, you can do a lot about this with self-hypnosis. For example, you can use hypnotic suggestions, such as these:

I don't depend on my parents for love.

If 1 of my friends says no, it is not a rejection of my whole person.

I am good enough the way I am.

If these suggestions don't work for you, you can see a hypnotherapist. Together, you can then receive personal hypnotic suggestions that do apply to your feelings and beliefs and can improve your self-confidence.

Tip 5: Love yourself

The world is a tough place, and self-compassion is exactly what you need. If the little voice in your head is a little too harsh on you, ask yourself if you’d treat your friends that way. Is the answer no? Then you shouldn’t talk to yourself that way either.

Tip 6: Use mindfulness

Another way to recognize and stop negative thought patterns about yourself is by practicing mindfulness. If you find it difficult to apply the previous tip, use mindfulness to stop your train of thought. Instead of dwelling on a difficult time from the past, focus your attention on the here and now.

After all, a situation today that reminds you of your childhood is not the same situation as in your youth. By staying with your attention to the situation, you can better anticipate it and notice that it is indeed different.

Want to learn more about mental techniques to find happiness in your life and leave problems behind? Then attend a workshop or seminar and, of course, check out the training courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands.

Sources:

http://content.healthaffairs.org/content/32/9/1685.short

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/278018889_What_Happens_When_You_Did_Not_Feel_Loved_as_a_Child_A_review_of_The_Loveless_Family_Getting_Past_Estrangement_and_Learning_How_to_Love

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/nurturing-resilience/201101/the-five-things-most-likely-ruin-your-child-s-life

https://psychcentral.com/lib/rejecting-childhood-rejection/