Shortchanging yourself is very easy in this day and age. There are many expectations you can want to meet. You have to get the highest education, you have to have or at least aspire to a management position. You must be in a relationship and straight, you must want children. As a woman, you have to keep working or stay at home. Oh yes, and you have to be slim, but not too slim. All sorts of things seem to be required and, of course, it is impossible to meet everything. This can cause you to judge yourself, whereas in your life self-compassion is important
In this article, I discuss what self-compassion is and how mindfulness can help you have more self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
It is sometimes said that you must love yourself before you can properly love another, but that doesn't make self-compassion quite clear. In part, the word says it all: self-compassion involves having compassion for yourself.
This actually consists of 3 parts:
- Kindness and understanding of yourself
- Not the only
- Mindfulness
First, kindness and understanding of yourself is about being understanding and kind to yourself in painful moments and moments of failure rather than giving yourself a lot of criticism about failure and what you should or should not have done.
Second, it's about seeing events in your life as something that can happen to other people or something that other people do as well. You are not the only one who experiences setbacks from time to time. Making mistakes, failing is human and everyone suffers from it. Just as everyone finds it normal to comfort someone with grief. Just this realization, that you are not the only one who makes mistakes or shows human behavior from time to time is important in order not to be too negative about what happened and not to chastise yourself with it.
Third, mindfulness is important for self-compassion. By this is meant that while you are aware of your feelings and thoughts, you do not over-identify with them. You don't let your emotions and thoughts lead you; you lead yourself.
With self-compassion, you have a positive opinion of yourself that protects you from negative self-judgments, isolation and fretting.
Because self-compassion is inherently nonjudgmental and provides a connection between yourself, events and society, it can also protect you from narcissism, selfishness and putting others down in order to boost your own self-confidence.
Self-compassion builds your self-confidence from within yourself rather than having to bring others down to do so. Self-compassion allows you to recognize your self-worth and your strengths.
Questionnaire to measure your self-compassion
Do you feel that you are sometimes strict with yourself, but not sure if this is really negative or if you do lack self-compassion? If so, I have a questionnaire you can use to check whether you have enough or too little self-compassion. Check with these statements to see if they are true for you or not.
- I feel like other people are happier than I am.
- I always feel like I'm not good enough.
- I get a lonely feeling when something fails me.
- I find my imperfections very annoying.
If these four statements make you feel that this is recognizable, you are actually being too hard on yourself. Everyone has an unhappy moment or a happy moment from time to time. So people are not all happier than you. In addition, you seem to focus very much on negative things and in the process further condemn yourself.
If this isn't recognizable, at least it's in the right place.
With the following statements, you can also check whether they are true or false for you.
- I have a balanced view of the situation.
- When something happens to me, I see it as part of life.
- I don't let any emotion dominate me, they are balanced.
- My emotions are emotions that other people do experience.
If these statements are true for you, it means you are mindful toward yourself and recognize that everyone encounters problems in their lives and everyone struggles with them.
If it is not recognizable, you can take steps to improve your self-compassion with mindfulness and recognition that everyone experiences problems in their lives, even if they are not always visible.
Self-compassion mindfulness exercise
A first step you can take to have more self-compassion is this mindfulness exercise for self-compassion. You only need 5 minutes for this exercise. You can do this exercise at any time of the day. For a good effect on your self-compassion, you can start doing this once a week.
- First, think of a moment or something going on in your life that is causing you stress.
- Visualize the moment and verify that you also feel the sense of stress and the uncomfortable feeling in your body. You can do this by performing a small body scan very quickly.
- When you perceive this feeling say to yourself, "This is a moment of suffering." This is a moment of mindfulness in which you state what you are feeling, without judging whether it is good or bad. If to you it does not feel like suffering, but rather like pain, stress, anxiety or some other emotion you can also fill in that emotion in the statement to yourself.
- Next, you say, "Suffering is part of life." With this statement, you acknowledge that this is an emotion that other people also go through in their lives. This reinforces the principle that you are not the only one suffering and therefore do not have to be lonely in your suffering. You thereby indicate that you are not abnormal or broken. You can also say, "Other people feel the same way sometimes," "I'm not the only one," or "Everyone has problems in life."
- Now place your hand on your heart and feel the warmth radiating to your body and say, "I am allowed to be kind to myself." With this you are expressing the the first component of self-compassion namely kindness and understanding of yourself. If the situation calls for it, you can also use other phrases, such as: "If I need it I may show self-compassion", "I may learn to accept myself as I am", "I forgive myself", "I may be patient".
Over time, you will find that you already get these kinds of positive and constructive thoughts without having to put in the effort. Self-compassion then becomes sort of automatic. It is always good to keep repeating these kinds of exercises so that you don't accidentally fall back into too much self-criticism.
Meditating for self-compassion
In addition to this practice, you can also apply mindfulness meditation regularly. This works to reduce stress, which automatically already reduces negative thoughts. In addition, mindfulness meditation also helps to eliminate negative thoughts and keep them at an emotional distance.
Mindfulness meditation involves sitting or lying down in a quiet place. This can be outdoors or indoors. Then you shift your attention to your breathing and the feeling that breathing gives you. This feeling is both physical and mental. On the one hand, you feel that your lungs are filling up with air. That you may even assume a different body position as a result. You feel the contact with your body and that your body has with your environment.
Mentally, you notice that you come to rest. During meditation, thoughts may come to mind. This is not a bad thing. The important thing is to name that thought and the emotion associated with it and then shift your attention back to your breathing. For example, if you are thinking about a situation at work you name "work" and the emotion associated with it, such as "pride" if your presentation went well or "disappointment" if it did not. For you, of course, this may be somewhat different from this example.
Next, focus on breathing again. You can make this exercise as long as you like.
Multiple studies (a, b, c, d) show that these exercises of mindfulness work to improve self-compassion. One study(1) involving 21 people who took a mindfulness course found that self-compassion, mindfulness and other measures by which quality of life can be measured had significantly increased after they were taught mindfulness.
Another study involving 25 people had the same results and even showed that these positive effects of mindfulness on self-compassion were still visible in the measurements after six months and after a year.
Want to learn more about the benefits mindfulness has on the quality of your life? Then come to a seminar or check out Hypnosis Institute Netherlands' trainings.
Sources:
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15298860309032
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760.2012.674548#.V1wDwPmLSM8
