Finding the right partner

Why do you choose the partner or a partner now? What or what makes you choose a partner? And do you actually choose at all? If you have one, is it a real partner?

Why partner?

This is quite interesting. Is a partner just a stopgap, or is it a true complement? We are social beings and need other people to socialize. Our strength lies in helping one another. Some people need more social contact than others. Research shows, for example, that having a partner makes your life happier. This applies to both salaried employees and entrepreneurs. But it applies especially to self-employed individuals without staff[1].

It’s nice to have someone around you whom you can rely on, whom you can trust, and who supports you. This could be, for example, a partner. You might feel a very deep connection with that person—as if you truly know them inside and out. Like, “Wow, I just know you inside and out.”

But you could answer it another way: Why that person? Then it often becomes interesting anyway.

When you think about that, you do see interesting mechanics emerging. I think that is also one of the reasons why there are more and more singles. There are of course several reasons for this, too much choice is also a reason, for example. We are not all used to having many choices.

There’s also the unromantic reasoning that chemicals make us fall in love. Then—after a year—you’re ready for children, and having a child triggers the release of more chemicals that keep you together for four years. Those are the kinds of unromantic explanations based on chemical reactions.

So you continue to "love" each other for a total of about five years, and then that dies out. A child is basically self-reliant from about four or five years of age and then it's done. The rest of the time it's "just" staying together. That is the biological, unromantic, explanation of why we stay together. Because, well, we've had a chemical reaction together, and that's it.

Values and twin souls

A somewhat deeper connection can be found, for example, in that you share the same values. You both value the same things. For example, you have the same faith and therefore it clicks. Or you admire each other, but this usually doesn't last very long. Then there are other explanations people come up with such as the twin souls, heart connection, belly connection and lust connection. There are several connections to think of and some sound more spiritual and pleasant than others.

I also know couples who have been together purely for lust for 20 years. In that relationship, that is then a very important aspect. People can think a lot about that, but if it works for them, it's good. So emotionally there are different connections to think of. Also mentally, there are pictures that can be thought of about what the perfect partner looks like. This picture is hypnotized into something you didn't have as a baby.

Your parents' relationship

The first relationship you witness is that of your father and mother, and it has a profound influence on you. If that was a healthy relationship, filled with love and affection, then that’s what you want as well. Suppose, on the other hand, that you had a violent father; naturally, you wouldn’t want that. Yet you often see women who end up with an abusive partner anyway. They’re unconsciously drawn to someone like that, because he’s naturally sweet and charming too—and then suddenly he turns out to be a real jerk. And then they generalize and assume that all men are like that. But how is it possible to be so mistaken about a man like that? When you’re dating, pay very close attention to the signals he sends and how you react to them. Research shows that women lower their standards when they receive signals of rejection. A guy who plays hard to get can suddenly become a lot more attractive than he actually is[2]. If you tend to please others, a difficult man like that can take advantage of you in this way.

37 percent of men are looking for someone who looks like them. So such a man is looking for a woman who looks like him. Certain features in the face that resemble him and someone who has the same qualities as their mother. As a result, they also often meet women like their mother. If they had a bossy mother, they also often have such a woman. When you are not aware of this or do nothing with it and let everything happen, you often see this kind of pattern repeating itself. When you are aware of this and you do something with it, such as using hypnosis to break this pattern, then you start to choose with less outside influence and a different focus.

Looking inside or outside your comfort zone

Yet you often find yourself continuing to fish in the same pond.

For example, just look at our society of the past: we lived in tribes. There were white tribes, dark tribes, Indian tribes, etc, there was little mixing among them. Everyone also had their own religion. Now all that is a lot less, in fact it is more mixed. Biologically it is a great idea for society because we all become more resistant. Mentally, we all still find it quite difficult because we "don't know" the other. This is not the case with everyone, of course, but in most cases people have difficulty with change.

Nowadays, this is mixing more in the Netherlands. The interesting thing is that if you take a radically different approach - and join "Married at first sight," for example - the chances of staying together are then much higher. In the German version of this program, nine out of ten couples stay together. These are matched on biological characteristics, on looks, so that one looks like the other partner. This just works. When you look at someone who looks like yourself every day, it is pleasant and recognizable. If you look at the Dutch version, it works less well than in Germany. This may also be due to the fact that the Dutch are quite demanding. Then we go beyond thinking about what is good for us.

Match values and resemble

If we’re matched based on values, beliefs, and what we consider important—and if we’re similar to one another—then the chance that we’ll stay together is much greater than if we just keep muddling along together all the time. So we override our natural tendency to settle for the same thing with the thought, “No, I want better, and I want more.” You also have more options to choose from now with all those swiping features. In the end, though, you really want to have a foundation of common ground. Because if I’m Catholic and my wife believes in a different god, how do you handle that once you have children? It can all work out just fine, but there are also plenty of examples of things going wrong once children come along. One person wants to have the child circumcised and the other wants to have the child baptized, and that’s where it all starts. So it’s better—and this sounds very clinical—to have a foundation of the same faith and the same beliefs about what’s right.

In essence, my wife and I believe the same thing. This is a good foundation, in which my wife and I are also similar. In the fundamental things, which we both find very important, in that we do not differ. Then it becomes easier. People often say that opposites attract, but in the long run this often works badly.

So if you care about growing old with your partner you can think about this. If you don't care that much, that's fine too, of course. It is fascinating to me that you are hypnotized, so to speak, by your parents' relationship, that that is as it should be. Or do you want such a relationship?

Then I am also hypnotized from my tribe, from my culture. From what I recognize. I can try to reason about that, but you still often see that this doesn't work. For some, again, it does, because there are people who are more focused on other tribes. That can work just fine, too. Going for the familiar and for what looks like you works statistically better in the long run than just doing anything.

Be sure to listen to this podcast as well.

Breaking hypnosis from the same partner

Do you feel like you've fallen into some kind of trap when choosing the right partner over and over again? Are you tired of having found the prince on the white horse, who then turns out to be just a frog? Then you can use hypnosis to break this pattern. In hypnosis, we first look with you at what demands your subconscious mind has when choosing a partner, so that you know which demands make sense and which do not. This is the basis for changing your program for finding a partner. Then you will work with hypnosis to install a new program. That is a program with requirements that do help you find a sweet partner who will help your life move forward and actually make you happier.

There are a variety of hypnosis techniques that can be used for this purpose. Your past can be looked at , as well as your future and how to get there.

Want to know exactly how hypnosis works and what you can do with it to help yourself or others? Then come to a free online master class on hypnosis .

Would you like to get started with hypnosis and see it in action? Then come to a seminar.

Would you like to get started right away and learn hypnosis techniques so you can help others yourself? Then sign up for one of our training programs.

Sources:

[1] https://www.ceeol.com/search/article-detail?id=714014

[2] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886916307486