Feedback: When do you take it?

Improving your performance in any area of your life is often something you are open to. Getting better at your studies, getting better at your job, getting better at your relationships, finding the right partner and finding a sport that suits you. All areas in which you can receive feedback, but when is it helpful to take that feedback

What is feedback?

Feedback is a form of advice in which people point out what you could do better. This often implies that you’ve done something wrong, which means you can do it differently.

For example, after giving presentations, I often get feedback on how I gave the presentation and what I could do "better."

I find that sometimes very nice and sometimes very difficult. Because I give a lot of presentations, so I’m not inexperienced in this area. I’m a fairly sensitive person; my ego has a hard time handling “ criticism.”

That's why I first find out if the critique is valuable. I then ask how often they give presentations themselves. If the answer is 10, I usually indicate that they can keep the feedback to themselves. But if the answer is that they have been giving presentations to large groups of people every week for years, then of course I like to hear it.

Check out the experience people have

What I do then is double-check how much experience people have. Many people with little experience base their advice on intuition, and I personally don’t find that helpful. That’s because the feelings evoked by intuition stem from the beliefs people have about how the world works. But those beliefs may not be true at all.

This is not something everyone is aware of.

Research shows, for example, that teachers often believe their feedback is incredibly useful, while students don’t experience it that way at all. Perhaps this is also due to the notion (held by some people) that people often become teachers because they can’t make it in “real life” or the business world. So whose advice would you rather take—a teacher’s or a top entrepreneur’s (if your goal is to become an entrepreneur)[1]?

By looking precisely at the experience people have, you know that they built their beliefs over time because they were working on something you want to become good at too. With their experience, if all goes well, they are already better than you, or at least on the same level.

In that case, you may care about the feedback.

But if such an experienced presenter then suddenly wants to give me feedback on relationships, it's another story entirely. In that context, he may actually be inexperienced. I myself have been with the same woman for decades and have a fine relationship, but if he always has blinkered relationships and all kinds of different girlfriends, then I don't think the feedback from that presenter is appropriate.

Protecting yourself if you are sensitive

Watching the person's experience in the area they are giving you feedback is very important to protect yourself if you are a sensitive person.

This is something many people struggle with. For example, if certain information poses a threat to your ego or your self-image, you may start to shut it out. Now here’s something really fun. If you’ve received this kind of threatening feedback and you do something fun—like playing a video game for a bit and shooting all kinds of aliens (Halo?)—it reduces the effects of negative feedback[2].

Still, you shouldn't completely shut yourself off from feedback either; as mentioned, some people can really help you.

For example, research shows that medical students benefit from feedback from classmates when they need to do something. It is important then that the feedback be positive. So not "you're doing it wrong," but "you can try that too."

This also opens up a conversation, after which you can discuss together. This in turn can give you new ideas for even more improvement[3].

Processing feedback

If you receive feedback from someone with experience and it is a threat to your ego, it may be helpful to take some time to process it. For example, go do something else for a while before dealing with the feedback[4].

To make it easier to process feedback and remain open to it, it’s important that you’ve set a specific goal for yourself .

For example: if I didn't want to be a very good presenter, I wouldn't care about that feedback. But since this is precisely my goal, it does interest me.

So by having a goal you are more aware of the benefit of feedback from an experienced person.

Another way to better process feedback is to ask questions about it. What exactly does someone mean by what they say? For example, what makes my presentation more enjoyable? How do I need to cut my hair? By engaging in the conversation, you can find out even more about how valuable the feedback really is.

Have you received valuable feedback and is it something you actually want to try? Then ask that person to talk to you again after you have done so. By doing so, you make a kind of promise to yourself that you will do it and the person can provide you with good advice again afterwards[5].

Give feedback

If you want to give feedback and you want someone to do something with it, do it in a way that creates a dialogue. By just giving some sort of order of what someone can do better, you are totally missing the point. Explain why something could be done better and how you got there. Show your experience, show that your feedback is based on more than just "how it feels".

It's more than just conveying information.

Make sure the feedback has impact beyond the area you are giving feedback on. A good presentation is nice, but if a better presentation makes people want to see another presentation from me, for example, then of course I am much more open to the feedback[6].

Feedback and hypnosis

Do you immediately become defensive when even the greatest expert wants to give you feedback to help you? Do you find it difficult to stay calm, listen, and ask follow-up questions?

If so, you may be struggling with low self-confidence and perhaps a fragile ego. Hypnosis can help you build your self-worth, self-confidence, and ego, so that you can truly put the feedback to use and genuinely improve your life.

There are several ways hypnosis can help you with this. With regression, for example, you can go back to the moment when the belief that causes you to become defensive when someone wants to give you constructive feedback first arose. Then—while you’re under hypnosis—you can work through that moment to change that belief, making it easier to handle feedback after the hypnosis session.

In addition, self-hypnosis can also be helpful. A hypnotherapist will teach you to hypnotize yourself and will give you an mp3 with visualizations that will help you or affirmations that you can repeat out loud.

These depend on your beliefs about feedback and differ for everyone. These can be affirmations such as:

"Taking help is powerful."

"I get to work with others to achieve my goals."

"The wheel has already been invented and I get to use it."

"I am strong."

"I can do anything."

These are just examples. Depending on your beliefs, you may be given other suggestions to take away useful feedback.

As a hypnotist, you also often give feedback to your client, but more feedback on issues that your client may have second thoughts about. As a hypnotist, it is important to indeed engage in the conversation with your client and avoid using "what you feel." Always address what you see and what your client says to you before giving feedback.

Would you like to learn more about hypnosis and find out if you can hypnotize people? Then come to a hypnosis workshop. The workshops are held in Wormerveer and Zwolle.

Would you like to see hypnotherapy in action and learn how to use hypnosis to make people feel good? Then come to a seminar.

Would you like to help people with hypnosis as a coach, psychologist, or therapist? Then sign up for one of the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands. The courses are held in Zwolle, Wormerveer, and online.

[1] https://srhe.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03075071003642449#.Xqqq82gzaUk

[2] https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/cyber.2016.0144

[3] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3109/0142159X.2011.542522

[4] https://srhe.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03075071003642449#.Xqqq82gzaUk

[5] https://www.themuse.com/advice/taking-constructive-criticism-like-a-champ

[6] https://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/54405277/Developing-sustainable-feedback-practices.pdf?response-content-disposition=inline%3B%20filename%3DDeveloping_sustainable_feedback_practice.pdf&X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&X-Amz-Credential=ASIATUSBJ6BAKWXD6DP6%2F20200430%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&X-Amz-Date=20200430T105642Z&X-Amz-Expires=3600&X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&X-Amz-Security-Token=IQoJb3JpZ2luX2VjENr%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2FwEaCXVzLWVhc3QtMSJHMEUCIAN3xk4%2Ba1GHZP4cq0VbQlMnfsko1ZBv5exGl7oXcN3IAiEA5D6kjWugVsKde5x6bpqWkSFV6jK69uqNwFzT6hWtGbkqtAMIExAAGgwyNTAzMTg4MTEyMDAiDGvC0N%2FU8OIOlLS2HiqRAz68lWARE45R2cj1UamqlCHlSlLJz5nxD5zhzWcvlL5FBiwxrw4LANdmd2sETXykeMrSyRxu0Uwhw0qM5c4byxNAPdGx88gbhaEeTezNbWasUFQ44I5YtRsATMFwlMmDQvFb0pdjGGIpvRTwN9cef4TK0xpzcmi%2FveqbAK1qW17SOizVbM3UTCRVO5uCxQ8t1fNYCxzGOG00EVSwCq9PAouaIU7DFLEDEgOinIrEncNr0q3nCBvr%2Bzzz9GLP9CoKknRQeAMa7MxexIiD5O4iwI6iK6NSUvYV5YfHBJ%2BEZF0LwD1EUyI7P236zsuOWkOjqg%2F4kBf5UePF061syKIjaG1pegxSdkYHSAaq8%2FrCTNH9mxK1MZItwDwjVA8Tkvn00zy6H5YGY3kZux3K3pnrxchc8DW0dcNJ13gV8ILKz6j%2BcaPzqbUDOE460Mfxl1gWXTs9F%2FI462edzIlSPt68lHMOA4BH0Ze5jLTkFzxoVMIc1XAN4mhcjegikvwPIk9Mz5JeexMsCM%2BA0TKhmuFbtoCbMJe1qvUFOusB15ZuBOJxB0BDIWNNs%2BlCwWtr1cdbSQEE6Wgl7XsiSf%2BDjdMGTUSmcSvEo57wsw2Y04zvJZ8pyQcSmyYgFHpKQjoqHkhL0%2BNgeuLpldbiod%2FItlkl1y2BMH%2BR40L9LqydvdKtjhoXHfmzfzTJw1xVKwFIr%2BExJ%2FRrtiYfuKeApzdOJ1Uje0tG%2FCyl1KakqrScyBkuMoyaPffyuICiu9%2BVfoPYMCPGuUdQvyiwYCExMlXTMtN5gXgDNHnWOk1JLgFPO5Nerg5WoFRwS%2FMn5y4kg06j0qC%2Fw84DvbhymnB6muXyXhaH0ehlc4XTpg%3D%3D&X-Amz-Signature=2d01dc133355951c51df302aa52c014d1e46d04d2520819f71f5788426005e6e