Giving your child everything they want, is that good or bad? This question has yet to receive a clear answer since the bribery scandal in the U.S. in which Hollywood stars used their money to get children into leading universities. Is giving your child everything and doing everything possible to get him to the "best" level now good for your child or not?
There are examples where children of wealthy parents become wealthy themselves. They have been given everything and at some point realized that if they want to maintain this standard of living they should just find a good job anyway.
Unfortunately, it can also go the other way. Someone who has always been given everything is counting on always getting everything and therefore will put little effort into achieving anything. This can result in all sorts of disadvantages, such as joblessness (because that person just doesn't "get" a job) and feelings of worthlessness.
Pampering your children and always taking care of everything and always giving them everything can have the following consequences:
- Your child always wants instant gratification when they don't like something.
- Your child has no respect for other things or stuff.
- Your child feels helpless.
- Your child may be confused and want many things.
- Your child may feel that the world has something to give him/her.
- Your child can't handle boundaries well.
- Your child is participating in irresponsible behavior.
- Your child is not developing basic skills.
- Your child feels ungrateful.
- Your child has little self-control.
- Your child would rather have money, fame and a certain image than help other people and have meaningful relationships.
- Your child is having relationship problems[1].
As you can see, a spoiled child can have all kinds of problems in his/her later life because the indulgence has blocked normal development. Social and practical skills can lag behind because of this, making it difficult to find friends and that when they are there the child becomes dependent because practical skills are lacking. Which in turn can cause relationship problems.
Child pampering and today's parents
Indulging a child can be done in several ways. Researchers have distinguished three ways[2].
- Material Indulgence
- Relational Indulgence
- Indulgence in behavior
Material indulgence is what most people think of when they think of a spoiled child. This child gets the most expensive toys whenever and wherever he wants them, sometimes to the jealousy of children who do not get them. It can, however, be another reason for children to play with the spoiled child if his behavior is otherwise okay.
Then we talk about relational pampering. In this case, parents are often very protective and do things for children that the children should be doing themselves. For example, think about standing up for yourself or meeting up with friends to go play.
Spoiling on behavior actually means that parents are not so concerned about whether or not behavior is socially acceptable. If a child misbehaves, he/she gets away with it.
Research shows that children who are materially spoiled are more likely to have depression and anxiety problems later in life .
Children who are spoiled when it comes to relationships are more likely to develop depression later and have more difficulty regulating their emotions.
All groups had more difficulty regulating their emotions. These include a lack of self-control. The issue then is when it is difficult to achieve goals, spoiled children can become frustrated causing behavioral problems, such as alcohol abuse.
It's actually pretty obvious: spoiling a child is not helpful. Sure, you can spoil your child on birthdays and during special occasions, but daily indulgence causes long-term emotional damage to your child. In some cases, it even leads to depression, but in general, so it is difficult to regulate emotions.
How to stop spoiling your child
Have you ever seen that British series with the nanny? All the little kids who suddenly had to follow rules got a temper tantrum, or tantrum, of sorts. So it's something that can get tricky, but the perseverer wins and now the question is who has the longest breath, you or your (spoiled) child.
Initially, it is helpful that your child is aware of the new "rules." To do this, sit down for a moment so your child can prepare for what is about to happen.
During this moment, try to be mindful and not start visualizing how your child will react to it, but watch how he actually reacts to it.
Chances are your child will test the new rules after this talk, be prepared for this.
Changing beliefs to stop indulging
If you find it difficult to stop indulging, it is important to find out where that belief comes from that you have to give your child everything, play dates or why you prefer not to tell your child when he/she is being antisocial.
Many beliefs in your unconscious influence your behavior making parenting, for example, difficult to change. These beliefs often originate in childhood and for this reason they can sometimes be somewhat illogical. Perhaps you yourself were raised spoiled in 1 or all of the 3 areas, or perhaps you were raised very strict and you never want to do that to your child.
To find out if a belief was created in your childhood that is quite illogical with regard to parenting, regression can be applied. With regression, you go back to the moment when your subconscious decided that the world works a certain way and how you can influence that world.
During regression, you can look at that moment and that belief with more distance, which helps you become more quickly subconsciously convinced that it is wrong. This helps to put a healthy helping belief in its place.
Hypnotic suggestions for indulging in moderation
Another way to change beliefs is through hypnotic suggestions. You can repeat these suggestions during self-hypnosis, making them more prevalent in your subconscious.
For example:
"By making my child wait for a gift from time to time, he learns patience."
"If my child breaks something, it doesn't have to be replaced right away so he gets respect for his stuff."
"I'm a good parent when my child has to wait a while."
"I may encourage my child to make their own play dates instead of arranging this for them so they learn social skills."
"By giving my child space during play with other children, he/she learns to have more control over his/her emotions, even if it goes wrong for a while. Then he/she learns to recover faster."
"I am a good parent when my child is allowed to make his or her own friends."
"If my child exhibits antisocial behavior, I may call him/her on it so that he/she changes the behavior."
"Setting boundaries for my child makes him more resilient to loss or failure."
"I am a good parent when I give unwanted behavior (and desired behavior) consequences."
These are just examples of hypnotic suggestions. Depending on the indulgence you can't stop with and your beliefs, a hypnosis expert can help you with suggestions that fit your situation.
Visualization to change behavior
To take action, it's important that you can envision changing your parenting behavior. If you find it difficult to envision yourself resisting your child's tantrum when they don't get something.
Because it can be unpleasant and even emotionally painful to refuse your child something for his own future good, guided visualization also helps deal with those painful feelings.
Because you get a guided visualization under hypnosis, you learn right away what feelings to expect and practice practically how to deal with them so you can do what is best for your child in that moment.
Subsequently, you are much more likely to spoil your child in a normal way and not excessively so that it remains fun throughout his/her life.
Overindulging children has a variety of long-term adverse effects. They are more likely to suffer from depression and develop anxiety, and in the process they may not develop social skills well, leading to a more isolated life as adults later on.
To avoid this, it's important to consider whether your child is overly spoiled, or only on special occasions and other moments (but at least not on a daily basis). Do you find that you still find it difficult to occasionally sell a No or a That's Not Allowed to your child? Then hypnosis can help you change subconscious beliefs that cause this. There are several techniques to use for this, a few of which are discussed in this article.
Want to learn more about hypnosis to help yourself or others? Then come to a hypnosis playshop or enroll in one of our training courses.
[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-age-overindulgence/201903/the-college-admissions-scandal-is-childhood-overindulgence
[2] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-018-1076-6
