We're going to talk about a topic that's probably going to turn your worldview upside down: why your problem (yes, the very thing you're struggling with right now) is often not the actual problem at all.
You know the drill. You wake up, you're actually feeling pretty good, you're looking forward to the day, but somewhere something is gnawing at you. You're still missing that last bit of input for that truly radiant smile. You keep running into the same wall. Whether it's stress, insecurity, or that eternal pleasing. You think, "Hey, I'm a grown man (or woman), I know this makes no sense, right?" But your brain does it nicely anyway.
How is this possible? Why are we so programmed to thwart ourselves? I'm going to explain it to you using a model I've refined over the past twenty years. Grab an imaginary flipover, because I'm going to draw it out for you.
Watch the video:
The flip chart of your psyche: The first round
Imagine, I have a flipchart here in front of me. I grab a thick black marker and I draw a circle. In that circle I write in big letters the letter P. This P stands for Problem.
For this article, let's take the example of "pleasing" for a moment. Perhaps you are a pleaser. A purebred people pleaser. You constantly want everyone to like you. You eliminate yourself, you overstep your bounds, and when someone asks, "What do you want for dinner?", you say, "You tell me, I don't care." (While you actually crave sushi, but the other person wants pizza).
That pleasing feels like a problem to you. You're balking at it. You're tired, you feel like a doormat and you want to stop. You read books on assertiveness, you take courses on "Learning to Say No," and still .... at the next opportunity you bravely say 'yes' again to something you wish you had shouted 'no' to.
Why? Because we've only drawn one round. And one round won't get you there.
The hidden benefit: The Positive Intention
Now I draw a second circle right above that first circle. And there again I put a P in it. But this P stands for something much more important: Positive Intention.
Listen carefully, because this is at the heart of everything I do: A problem will always bring you something positive. Always. And I mean positive for you, for your system. Why the hell else would you keep doing it? Your brain is not a defective machine that just does something; it is a survival machine that is extremely efficient.
Of course, that pleasing also brings you negative effects. You are overtired, your self-esteem sinks below freezing, we call that the negative intention. But we do things to benefit. That pleasing gives you a certain "in-between" benefit. Just for a moment you get that attention you need. Or very briefly you feel the security that there won't be an argument.
So, now think about your own problem. Doesn't matter what it is. Procrastinating? Smoking? Tantrums? Ask yourself: What does it get me?
The conversation you never have
I have treated thousands of people in sessions over the years. And every time I asked that question, "What does it get you?" the most common answer given was, "Nothing, Edwin! It only brings me misery and irritation."
People sometimes even get a little edgy when I ask. They don't feel understood. But I know: we are still in the resistance. We're in the conscious brain trying to be logical. And logic has nothing to do with emotional problems. So I continue to ask.
Imagine, you suffer from irritation.
- Me: "Okay, what does this irritation get you?"
- Client: "Well, nothing ... well, then I'll scream."
- Me: "And what does that screaming get you?"
- Client: "That does breathe some air."
- Me: "Okay, and what does that relief get you?"
- Client: "That's when I finally feel free again."
Boom. There you have it. So the irritation produces freedom. In this person's system, "getting angry" is the only known path to "freedom. As bizarre as that sounds to your logical mind, to the unconscious it is the shortest route. And as long as your brain thinks irritation is the only path to freedom, it will continue to irritate you.
This is a model, right? It is not the absolute truth, but it is a perception of reality that damn often works to gain insight. The point is: what is the function of your complaint?
Source: You are an 80-year-old adolescent
The next step is the timeline. When did you start this? When did you decide this was the way to survive?
Most people don't exactly remember. They say, "I've been doing this all my life." When you say that, I actually know enough: this originated between your 0th and 5th year of life. That is the period of the first imprint. In those first five years, almost all of your unconscious, automatic programs are installed.
That's where you start to become a pleaser, or an annoying guy, or a wallflower. That's not to say you can't change, but if you don't do anything about it, you're really just a consequence of what happened in those first five years.
I often say it a bit in exaggeration: many people are actually adolescents in disguise. Even though they are eighty, they are still running the programs they learned as toddlers . After you turn 25, your brain is basically "done" with the basic wiring and it's just rattling off those unconscious routines. Unless you start hacking things consciously.
The solution of the four-year
Let's go back to our example. Why did you ever start pleading?
Imagine, just hypothetically: your father was very little. He had to work hard or he was emotionally unavailable. And when he was around, he wasn't paying attention to you at all. So what does a four-year-old child do? A child needs attention to survive, as much as food and drink.
That child discovers, "Hey, if I'm really good, if I'm going to help Daddy, if I'm going to please.... then he watches! Then I get attention!" Wow! What a smart move by that four-year-old. At that moment, pleasing was not a problem at all. It was a genius solution to another problem. And that other problem was, "I don't get attention and that hurts." If you never get attention, it feels like worthlessness, like not being good enough.
So:
- The real problem: Feeling worthless.
- The solution of the day: Pleasen.
- The payoff: Attention.
Know what I mean? To a toddler, this is the best strategy in the world. The only problem is that you have continued to use that strategy when the situation has long since changed.
By the way, you're not alone, research shows that "wrong" coping mechanisms often arise from childhood problems and how you figured out the best way to deal with them back then[1].
Why your brain wants "right" and not "happiness"
Now you are fifty years old. You now have a thousand other ways to get attention. You make a podcast, you do your job well, you have a partner who loves you. You don't need that four-year strategy at all anymore.
But your brain doesn't do logic. Your brain wants to be right, not necessarily lucky. Your brain thinks, "This worked when we were four, it kept us alive, so we keep running this program. It's safe, it's familiar, it's energy efficient."
Even though you now have 35 other ways that work much better, your brain clings to that old "solution" because it has become an unconsciously automatic program. It's like an old computer still running Windows 95 while you try to use the latest apps. That's going to falter. That's going to crash.
The magical connection: Worthlessness produces attention
When we look at this model, you see something very distinctive.
- Pleasing delivers attention.
- Feeling worthless provides the solution "pleasing"[2].
- So essentially: feeling worthless produces attention.
This is the moment in a session when the penny drops. Something is made conscious that was totally unconscious. Your brain suddenly sees the twist: "Wait a minute, I'm perpetuating this nasty feeling of worthlessness because my system thinks that's the only way I can get attention." That's total nonsense to an adult, of course, but to your unconscious this was bitter seriousness.
As soon as you see through this, the foundation of your problem already begins to falter. Because the question, of course, is: do you still need that old feeling to get attention? The answer is almost always a resounding, "No!"
How to truly heal yourself
Once we identify this, we can start working on the solution. And we don't do that by talking endlessly about why your father wasn't there. We know that now. We get to work on the software.
In my book The Three Minute Reset and in our trainings at the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands, we teach people how to accelerate this process. We use positive intention[3] (in this case "attention") as a kind of medicine.
We go back to the past in hypnosis. Not to root in misery, but to redistribute resources. We let that attention, that feeling of being seen, flow throughout your timeline. It's like retroactively giving your four-year-old self everything he lacked at the time.
What then happens in your brain is fascinating. The unconscious program is altered. Because the underlying feeling has changed, the old logic no longer makes sense. The program "pleasing" no longer has a function, because the need for attention has already been fulfilled at a deeper level.
You come out of hypnosis and you suddenly feel fine. And the great thing is: we may have talked zero more about pleasing ourselves. It has simply disappeared because the foundation beneath it has been knocked away. The "solution" is no longer needed.
Conclusion: Look beyond the surface
So, next time you catch yourself with that annoying behavior, fear or insecurity.... then be gentle with yourself. Realize that this behavior was once a brilliant solution for a small child trying to survive in a world that did not yet understand it.
Ask yourself, "What positive intention is underneath? What is my brain trying to arrange for me?" And then realize that now, as an adult, you have much better ways to achieve that same goal.
Do you find this an interesting article? If so, please be sure to leave a comment. Whether you're reading this on my site, or hearing the podcast on Spotify or YouTube, I love hearing what this does to you. Share it with people who you know are also struggling with those old "solutions. That way we help each other finally update that software to the 2026 version.
Have a question? Feel free to send it in! I regularly pick up questions from readers and listeners to do another deep dive on them
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