What do I want: focus on what you really want

Sometimes it's not quite clear what you want. You're working on something, but then something distracts you and you flutter on to the next thing you want. Some time ago, I helped a woman who was struggling to focus on what she wanted.

If you are wondering what you want, this might be a great blog for you and my client's problems might be recognizable to you

I always want more than I can

This woman had an awful lot of ideas, such as founding a hypnosis practice, establishing a residential community of sorts, and then all sorts of other plans.

All this in addition to a job.

In addition, she also helped her mother with cleaning and household chores; before she spoke with me, her back pain had been getting worse, which prevented her from really carrying out her plans.

But running her own practice and living with people—those were her biggest dreams, the ones she wanted to work toward—only she kept getting distracted, and her sore back wasn’t helping either.

Many people struggle with the fact that temptations can distract them from their actual goals. You and the woman I helped aren’t the only people who have goals, but also distractions that prevent those goals from being achieved. To stay on track toward your goal, a certain degree of self-control is necessary[1].

So she asked herself, "What do I really want?"

After a conversation, we found out that that's what she really wanted, but she couldn't quite focus on it. As far as she was concerned, this was mainly due to her back and her mother needing extra care (which she lovingly gave, by the way). Love, of course, is a good distraction and actually it is not a bad thing when you are distracted by something like that.

This also highlights something else. When someone believes a goal is their own, their motivation and focus are often stronger than when the goal is something they feel they “should” do. You’ll experience less internal conflict and be more open to change and achieving your goals. Support from others—even if it’s just a word of encouragement—can also help you achieve what you want[2].

But how do you make sure you are ready for what you want?

Sometimes it is as it is

Sometimes accepting that your back is bothering you and that your mother needs informal care is one of the first steps you can take. Because what can happen when circumstances you can't do much about prevent you from focusing on what you want is that makes it feel like a struggle.

When you let go of that struggle, things often go a little easier.

But how do you let go of that struggle to achieve what you want? What you can do is pretend, for a moment, that everything that happens has a specific meaning.

For example, when you go through your back, what does this mean? Should you hand something off? Should you continue to initiate something or is something else more important?

This is one of the first steps toward changing your thoughts. After all, if you want to do all sorts of things but can’t because you’ve hurt your back or because you need to care for your mother, this can lead to all kinds of negative thoughts.

This can cause you, for example, to become angry at your body.

But you don't ultimately help yourself with that. It doesn't create anything. When you always think everything is going wrong, you're not going to do anything either. But by focusing your mind on what you want, wonderful things can happen. Get ideas about what you can do.

So by asking yourself what it means, you're also more likely to accept where your potential lies.

Then you can do what is in your power and for this, positive (solutions) thoughts are helpful.

This also allows you to do what you want, but you're not alone, other people can do something too and that makes it a lot more fun. It's good to ask for help.

Thinking frame: this is the best thing that can happen to you

Another way to think about it more positively is to ask yourself, "What if this (bad event) is the best thing that happened to me right now? What's the best thing about that?"

Maybe you can see what you want for a moment, that you will have achieved it a year from now. How did you do that with, say, that sore back and caregiving with your mother?

This gives peace of mind and space. Show what is possible.

Then you let go of the struggle. Suddenly, things then come naturally.

So you can realize that that hour with your mother every week is incredibly valuable to you. That it is quite good that you are spending extra time with her now, precisely because of the help she needs.

Visualize or describe what you want

Fortunately, when you're lying on the couch because you've gone through your back, you do have plenty of time to think about what you want.

You can start answering that question very precisely, for example, by visualizing what your goal is now. What will it look like when your goal is achieved?

By visualizing your goal, you can also boost your motivation to achieve it[3]. If you find it difficult to do this on your own, a hypnotherapist can help you get started with this kind of visualization.

If you know what you want, what is the first logical step to take?

Who will take that first step? Yourself or someone you have contact with who can help you?

Not everyone has the time or capacity to think about something carefully. When circumstances cause you to be able/need to sit/relax quietly, you can take some time to think about what you really want and what this looks like in practical terms.

Narrow Focus

To determine what you really want, it is sometimes helpful to narrow your focus. Because when you look at what you really want, anything you can do on this planet is possible. There are even people who want something on Mars and are working on that. So that's incredibly broad.

If you already know what direction you want to go in, it can narrow your focus to more easily come up with workable ideas.

For example, when I ask people to list ten white things, they often succeed, but have to think about it for a while. But when you ask about ten white things in the refrigerator, the answers are probably flying through your mind right now.

So I instructed that woman to have thoughts about the community and the practice she wanted to establish, so that her ideas would not go every which way.

Then everything is no longer too much and certainly no longer fragmented.

Breindump for a regular update

Does the above technique help once to determine what you want and how to achieve it, but find that you get distracted again in a week?

Then you can also do a weekly brain dump. You just write down everything that's on your mind at the time, within the context of the goals you really want.

Next, you can see what you can do that week. You're going to make a selection of your ideas that you can do, that you can't do, and ideas that you can get help for, that you can outsource.

To keep your focus right, you can make that to-do list a top three of sorts (or a top one, depending on your abilities at the time). Everything else goes on the don't-do list. You don't get to do that until you get that one thing or top three done.

The week after you do the same.

Then you still feel like you're doing something, and in the process it's also nice to have the ideas out of your head.

Also listen to the session:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/6303433-hoe-kan-je-nu-blijven-focussen-op-wat-je-echt-wilt

So determining what you really want can be done in multiple ways, and in the process you can also directly determine how to get what you want with the abilities you have today.

Initially, acceptance of your current situation is important to end the period of chaotic thoughts and work on helpful thoughts that help you achieve what you want. You can then get those by visualizing what you want in detail. In addition, you can narrow your focus to laser-like solutions to what you want and not get new ideas again that are about totally different things.

Hypnosis can also play a role in this. Would you like to know how hypnosis works and how you can use it to help yourself or others? Then join our free online masterclass on hypnosis or sign up right away for one of our training programs.

Sources:

[1] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11031-018-9695-1

[2] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-03783-007

[3] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00221309.1952.9710650?journalCode=vgen20