Not ready for relationship: what to do
Some time ago, I helped a woman who was not ready for a relationship. She kept running into weird men and the men who were nice, they were already taken.
In her past, she found that for too long she stuck with people around her that she couldn't actually move forward with. They were not helping her grow or move forward
In addition, she had trouble standing up for herself and keeping people who weren’t nice at a distance. As a result, she had an ex who wouldn’t stop sending her messages—a stalker.
This also happens when you need something from someone—you’ll encounter people who need something from you. When you end the relationship, they may have a hard time accepting it. After all, they need you.
One problem her ex might have is that he’s very insecure about the bonds he forms. That makes it harder to end a relationship than when you’re able to form strong connections with people[1].
But that doesn't help her much then. What does happen to her is that this experience leaves her fearful of "what kind of person am I going to meet next?"
The woman also thought she might not bond well with people and that was the reason she was not ready for a new relationship.
So how do you make sure you are ready for a relationship?
Why do you want a new relationship?
One of the first things to ask yourself is why do you want a new relationship?
Do you feel like a relationship is supposed to fulfill you? That it’s supposed to help you grow? That was initially the belief of the woman I helped (though not anymore after the session). The downside of this idea is that you make your own development and happiness dependent on other people.
In addition, she also thought she might want it because of fear of being alone.
Research shows that single women who watch a lot of romantic content, such as the Bridget Jones movies and the like, are more likely to fear remaining single[2].
So one of the first things you can do is surround yourself less with romantic things, so at least that fear is not triggered.
Another factor is that you feel like you want to belong somewhere, and when that need isn’t met, you end up feeling lonely and wanting a new relationship[3]. Here, too, you might ask yourself: Do I just want to belong somewhere, or do I want to be part of a relationship? Because if you just want to belong somewhere, finding new friends or a hobby can already make a big difference for you.
You are good enough
A downside of feeling insecure—and consequently having an insecure bond with your (new) partner—is that it can lead you to harbor unrealistic beliefs about your relationship and feel less satisfied with it[4].
This will give you a good idea of what needs to be right before entering into a new relationship.
It is important to know that you are good enough.
If you're single you may think "oh, I need to look for a new partner soon," but that doesn't always help yourself.
Because then you keep thinking and doing as always and then you keep running into that wrong person who doesn't work for you.
When you are single, you often have more time too. You can use that time to strengthen your relationship with yourself. You start learning something new, you join a club for a certain hobby, developing yourself is super fun and good for the feeling that you can handle the world and don't need help with that from a romantic partner.
After all, once you don't need anyone, you will meet people who don't need you either, but who need to be with you.
This is much more convenient, rather than a pity that there is not enough padding, because that padding only creates misery.
Now, this is easier said than done. For example, the woman I helped felt unwanted; her mother had told her this regularly until shewas 18. The belief that she wasn’t good enough was deeply ingrained in her.
Even when you're unwanted, it's nice to know that nature thinks you're good enough. You came into existence after all. The chances of you coming into existence were slim, but you did it anyway.
Many people hear that children choose their parents, but if that idea doesn't work for your particular situation, you can let it go. Nature made sure you exist and you did just fine.
This makes it easier to let go of unhelpful beliefs you inherited from your parents and to accept yourself.
Fear of a new relationship
Past experiences can also make you anxious about a new relationship. For example, an ex who suddenly becomes a stalker is one such experience, but an ex who cheated on you or even abused you can also cause your confidence in your ability to have a loving relationship to diminish.
So how do you make sure that anxiety is reduced?
Research shows that people don't cheat because of what it may cost them[5]. When you are happy with yourself, it is often because you have developed yourself in some way. This may be for your work, this may be socially or spiritually. In any case, you have made yourself more valuable and that makes losing you a lot more painful and that also makes a new partner less likely to cheat.
In addition, you can also pay attention to personality traits. People who score high on "conscientiousness" are less likely to cheat than people who are instead open to new experiences. Someone who is less likely to cheat can be recognized by planned behavior, discipline, being reliable (even in other matters) and pursuing goals.
With this knowledge, you’ll be much better prepared for your next round of dating. You can also take a moment to identify the red flags from your past so you can recognize them. This will help you have more confidence in your own insights.
In addition, it is also helpful to forgive yourself for those past relationships. You were young and with the knowledge you had then, you picked a partner. It is okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them, and you do that with the above exercise.
You don't have to deal with people who aren't actually nice
So when you are happy with yourself you can encounter very different people than before, but what do you do now when you want to interact less with someone?
A great way to supplement and enrich yourself is by reading books. You can always say you have some reading to do or something similar.
But that may not always be convenient.
Then you can also make yourself aware of what kind of people you are dealing with. You start consciously saying to yourself before you go to someone, "I go to that person and he's irritating and that's okay."
That way, at some point you'll start saying, "Why do I hang out with these whiners anyway? I'm not crazy, am I?"
Deep down, you know which people are good for you and which aren’t. These are the kinds of people who, after spending just an hour with them, leave you completely drained. You feel utterly exhausted afterward.
It’s a bit like smoking. For example, I used to smoke, too. I knew it was bad for me, but even after realizing that , it still took me seven years to really quit.
It's like dealing with such a person. At some point it starts to bother you so much that you're just completely done with it. You become aware that it's bad, then you stop and it's done.
By making yourself aware each time, you speed up this process.
This also helps them better advocate for themselves.
Hypnosis to be ready for a new relationship
So the woman I helped I gave some exercises and reassurances and I did this with a type of hypnotherapy.
Hypnotherapy can help you let go of the past, focus more on the good aspects of life and recognize growth in your own life.
In addition, you can get all kinds of practical exercises to give certain life events a place, so that you can move forward with fresh courage and be ready for a new relationship.
Want to know exactly how all this works? Then join our free online hypnosis masterclass or sign up for one of our training programs.
Sources:
[1] https://www.moquer.nl/suavecito-beard-balm-original-43-gr
[2] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-54858-001
[3] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886917307250
[4] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886902001241
[5] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919302090