Not feeling good enough: What to do

There are many times in your life when you can't feel good enough. During awkward moments, for example, when you slip up during an important presentation at work, when you are over- or underdressed at a party. However, if you feel daily and maybe even all day long that you are not good enough and it makes you really unhappy, then it is time to do something about that feeling. Because, as I said earlier, you are good enough

Not being good enough

Feeling like you’re not good enough is actually nonsense. This is simply a feeling you might have. This feeling can arise, for example, when you’re criticized—such as during a performance review at work or when your partner says the house is such a mess (apparently, you’re the one who has to clean it up, not your partner???)

The biggest cause of this feeling usually lies in your childhood. A teacher may have said you are not good enough, or maybe even one of your parents. In fact, parents who don't feel good about themselves can sometimes project their problems onto their child.

You may also indirectly develop the feeling that you’re not good enough. Suppose you grow up in a dysfunctional family—for example, because one of your parents is addicted, is a narcissist, or because there is domestic violence —then you don’t receive the love you crave as a child.

Love is precisely what you need as a child, because you know that a parent who loves you keeps you alive. As a child, however, you often don’t understand that an alcoholic is sometimes there for you, and sometimes, overwhelmed by their own emotions, seeks solace in the bottle. You don’t understand that a narcissist isn’t really capable of giving true love at all, and when violence is involved, there’s clearly something completely wrong with that love and how it’s expressed.

Because you still need that love you can try all sorts of things as a child to be loved, but if your parents don't solve their own problems themselves you never really get quite what you need. Which can make you think you are not good enough no matter what you do[1].

Depending on what you choose as a subject to get love from, such as doing well in school, being super social to your parents, being athletic or being super musical, you may also think you are not good enough in those parts of your life later on. For example, in your work if school was what you were trying to get that love with.

Why am I not good enough

If you are wondering why you don't feel good enough, rethink this question to "why don't I feel good enough," after all, you are good enough even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Have you been suffering from feeling inadequate for some time, or has this happened only recently?

If you can’t clearly pinpoint why you feel like you’re not good enough, hypnosis can help. Regression therapy, for example, helps you identify the moment when you first felt like you weren’t good enough and what triggered that feeling at the time. You then examine the “not good enough” pattern that you’ve unconsciously developed in your life and work to reinterpret all those moments in a way that affirms you are good enough—and that these kinds of feelings often stem from how you interpret a situation.

The hypnosis expert helps you see the event from a different perspective. For example, they might notice that your mother or father is insecure and is actually passing that insecurity on to you through subtle remarks. This allows you to view that moment differently and even forgive your parents.

Forgiving in this case means accepting that this happened and that your parents did their best. This does not mean that you necessarily have to visit them for coffee if this is a stage that has long been out of your life, but if you do have a good relationship with your parents, of course it can ?

Also check out this session on being good enough:

Fear of not being good enough

The fear of not being good enough can be very similar to fear of failure if this fear mainly arises at work. In social relationships, this fear can be very similar to the fear of rejection.

First, I will address the fear of not being good enough at your job.

Research shows, for example, that you can try your very hardest—taking responsibility at work and supporting your colleagues—and still feel like you’re not good enough.

This may be due to the reward system at your work[2]. For example, you never get a compliment from your supervisor and a bonus is not in the cards.

Sometimes role reversals at work can also make you feel inadequate. For example, if you still work at a very old-fashioned company as a woman and they expect you to do the dishes in the coffee shop, this can make you feel worthless, because it apparently doesn't matter that you are meeting all kinds of company goals.

In addition, this anxiety can also make you feel like a fraud. Even though you’re good enough, because you don’t feel good enough, you get the impression that you’re just putting on an act. This can cause you to stress that you’ll eventually be found out.

This stress can lead to a situation where, even if you do get promoted, you’re afraid that you’re not good enough and will be found out—and you might end up quitting. If you do this a few times, the next employee might think you’re indeed not good enough for a top position in a company because it seems as though you’ve consistently lost your head during the brief periods you’ve held a top position. As a result, you’re blocking your own long-term success.

If you think you can always do it later, the actions you take now may cause later people to believe you are not good enough. When clearly you are good enough[3].

You may also struggle with this anxiety if you have a perfectionist mindset. Because you don’t think your work is good enough, you may assume that your colleagues and supervisors won’t think it’s good enough either.

In cases of fear of failure and the feeling that you’re fooling people, hypnotic suggestions can also be incredibly helpful in reducing the impact of this problem, in addition to the use of regression. This is because the way you were raised also plays a role in the fear of not being good enough at work. For example, if high expectations were placed on you regarding your school performance but you received little emotional warmth otherwise, this can cause you distress. Strangely enough, the same applies if you come from a family where success isn’t expected of you. This might include families where the parents work in blue-collar jobs or other low-skilled positions. In such cases, children may not be encouraged to succeed because it does not fit the family’s pattern. You may then develop a fear of becoming “better” than your parents.

So in addition to regression, hypnotic suggestions.

These types of suggestions depend on your beliefs about how the world works and how you function in it. These may include, for example:

"I'm good enough, that's why I have this job."

"I'm allowed to make mistakes, as long as I learn from them."

"It should be good, not perfect."

"My boss is not my father/mother."

These are just examples. Depending on your beliefs, you can get other suggestions to suffer less from the fear of not being good enough at work.

I don't feel good enough for him/her

Another place where you might feel like you’re not good enough is in your relationship. There are two ways this can happen. On the one hand, you might feel insecure about yourself. You might not feel worthy of love and care.

On the other hand, your partner can praise you tremendously. If your partner assesses you as better than you are, this is actually good for your relationship, but then, of course, if you let that dream crumble once, it can be very disappointing for your partner. So if the difference is too great and you notice this, you can also suffer from the feeling that you are not good enough for your partner.

You then actually fear during the relationship that at some point your partner will see the light and leave you.

This form of not feeling good enough may be related to the form of not feeling good enough for your job.

In addition, this feeling can make you feel that your relationship is not stable, while your partner may feel that they are in a stable relationship.

In this case of feeling inadequate, regression and techniques to boost your self-confidence can also help alleviate this issue[4].

Would you like to help people with this kind of anxiety using hypnosis? Then come to a hypnosis workshop—also held in Zwolle—to see if this is right for you.

Would you rather learn a lot more right away? Then come to one of our seminars or sign up directly for one of our training programs. Ask about the online options if that suits you better.

Also pin this handy infographic:

Sources:

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201410/do-you-feel-not-good-enough

[2] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0305764960260309

[3] https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Manfred_Kets_De_Vries/publication/7592973_The_dangers_of_feeling_like_a_fake/links/546388100cf2c0c6aec4e06d.pdf

[4] https://dc.ewu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://scholar.google.nl/&httpsredir=1&article=1276&context=theses