"Yes our children are so special, they are so good, it's incredible. Our kids are going to change the world. They have to get really good education, because these little persons are unique." Some time ago on the terrace I heard people talking about their children. One said, "My son is so spiritual and artistic. Oh and so is my daughter, and also very sensitive."
The superlatives fall short, so to speak. That you feel like they were sitting around talking about the new Leonardo Da Vinci or Buddha. It was just insane, there was next level talk about these kids. Except that the kid couldn't even drink his apple juice normally, of course it was genius.
The match of parents
Many parents are in the game this way. They go to school thinking that the teacher should treat their child differently because he or she is so special. The child has all kinds of flaws or just talents. "My child has a huge IQ, he is gifted." That kind of idea. To a parent, the child is always special, you might say. That's not true for every parent either, but so to speak. I then think, "Okay, what about you? You are no longer special?" So we are not going to talk about you anymore, because you have copied your ego. All the qualities that you think you lack, you are now going to project onto the child, and he then has to perform.
In your life, it's all failed, or maybe it's going okay, but now you have the chance to create the new Messi, Einstein or Elon Musk. That's your hope. You might be hoping for an artist, a great musician or a writer, but 99.9% of the time, it's the same. It doesn't get much better. That's a disappointment to some people, but it can also give a lot of peace of mind. You can also think, "They have their own life," instead of projecting your life - which you may think is a failure - onto your children.
You now have a chance to transform all those feelings and all those expectations so you don't pass them on to your children. You are probably not even aware that you are doing this, but you are projecting all your expectations onto your children. The thing is: this is very likely to fail. At worst, you are very disappointed. Your child is actually going to do something you always hoped would really not happen. Then that Leonardo Da Vinci becomes some womanizer or that Einstein becomes a junkie. These scenarios no one wants, of course. Then suddenly your whole world falls apart. However, these scenarios can often happen when you start projecting.
Releasing your projection
Everything you project onto your children is false. Basically, you can never get it right because you don't even know what is right. So you can let go of those projections right away. The more you can let it go - in the sense of, "My children have their own lives" - the more likely it is that the positive will happen. The scenario that you might have in your head, or that you would love if it happened, paradoxically, happens sooner. There is a greater probability that it still won't happen, but you no longer care. You let it go. 'It would be nice if something happens,' is very different from, 'this must happen.'
'As long as my children are happy'. Even that is a projection. Your children get to know for themselves if they are happy... Maybe they will become depressed. Of course, you don't wish that on anyone, but then again, the intense things in life can also be a gift in retrospect. Letting your children go out on their own, or letting them run into the door can sometimes be more valuable than constantly protecting them.
If you still want to do something for your children, start working on yourself. Let go of those expectations and those results you would like to see. Resolve unconscious traumas of yourself so that you can no longer pass them on to your children. Resolve it completely, be at peace with it and try to forgive as much as you can. Forgive yourself and forgive others so that you are as clean as possible. As a result, you are no longer a kind of conduit, but you become a mirror that only reflects. You are then completely "nothing," in the positive sense of: there is nothing to get and nothing to pass on. That is difficult, because in principle you always pass something on, there is no escaping that.
Solve your own problems first
If you want to pursue something, do it. Then consider, "My kids are little now, I want them to be able to live their own lives right. I want them to be able to do the things I didn't dare or couldn't do'. Then go over what has hindered you from not doing it, and dissolve it completely. Clean it up in yourself, which is important. Then when it doesn't do anything to you anymore, you know it's resolved. For example, does a trauma from 20 years ago keep coming up? Are you still unable to sleep nights because of an event? Or do you blame other people for your trauma? Then you know there is something you still need to resolve. If you don't, you may pass it on to your children.
I don't think it's helpful to start reliving all kinds of events emotionally. Take May 4 and 5 as an example, which makes us relive every year. We really won't forget this event because we learn it in school, among other things. But do you really want to give it such an emotional charge every time? I think if you allow such trauma to exist, that trauma will again seek out, welcome and perhaps create new "wars. I advocate a trauma-free society, but well that too is a utopia.
You can, of course, do this for yourself so that a trauma in your generation is resolved. You will find that you can then also release expectations much more easily. Suddenly you then have - paradoxically - a greater chance that the things you hoped would happen will actually happen after all.
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Corry Vdf Van der Schouw
accessed27 Aug 2022