Gender-neutral parenting: More than just gender-neutral toys
If you care about gender-neutral parenting, it's actually going incredibly well. But what does this really mean? We can make this incredibly complicated, but mostly it comes down to letting the child play with what they want to play with.
For example, my son also wanted a doll one day. So we just got him a doll. Never mind that the packaging was pink. Now he's just a cute boy who once played with dolls. No fuss about what he was. After all, little boys get to practice the father role too
Gender-neutral parenting is something that is now in the spotlight, but has been researched for some time.
For example, in 2005, a study examined how most parents react when a little boy wants to play with a doll. Perhaps we in the Netherlands are fairly modern—or maybe it’s just me—but this is problematic for some people, because it doesn’t fit the stereotype of “boy behavior,” and many parents still think this is a sign that their son will have a homosexual orientation (which is really far too early to predict)[1]. And anyway, so what?
Another fun study shows that parents categorize toys differently than researchers. This means that there is already some kind of shift going on in what people consider toys typical for boys and typical for girls.
In addition, this research shows that when adults play with girls, girls have more different toys than boys. Boys then still tend to play with more stereotypical toys for boys. So gender-neutral parenting seems to work (or affect) girls more than boys[2].
Gender-neutral parenting is about more than just the toys children play with.
There are also things you can or cannot say when raising your child gender-neutral.
Parenting suggestions on gender-neutral parenting
As a parent, you also have an enormous influence through what you say. Many of the things you say are taken in by children as hypnotic suggestions. Whatever Mom or Dad says is the truth—regardless of whether Mom or Dad is wrong.
What you have to be careful with with gender-neutral parenting is that you are thus trying not to give your child suggestions that will lead them to believe that the stereotypical man or stereotypical woman is something they should become later.
For example, you can't tell girls to look beautiful. Because women "must" be beautiful. And men certainly don't then? In any case, it is suggesting that as a woman you have to be beautiful and that is not the intention. So it should all be neutral.
For example, for little boys, you don't say "Show your muscle?" because that suggests that you have to be strong as a man, and that's another stereotype. That should also be neutral.
So are you going to turn it around? That's not helpful either.
Can you say, "How nice you are?" That in itself should be possible, because people are nice.
But before you know it, you will have reached a limit of a male or female stereotype.
How to do it yourself.
Then you also have the component that children imitate their parents. Children copy.
Mom simply feels like a woman. She was probably raised with all the beliefs and ideas that go along with that—the ones you’re taught as a girl. So this is also ingrained in her system. Over time, a daughter may simply adopt this mindset.
This system may also include the idea that mom is there to cook meals and the like. In many Western countries, mothers play an important role in child-rearing, leading to the emergence of traditional patterns. This has also been noted in New Zealand, but unlike the principle of “everyother weekend you go to your father’s” after a divorce, there, custody is split 50/50 as much as possible when a relationship between parents and children ends[3].
Such 50/50 care can also play an important role in raising gender-neutral children. So that when children imitate mom or dad, they also imitate a nurturing dad or a working mom.
But perhaps we are also evolving into a kind of androgynous being, 1 race and 1 gender and 1 role of provider and caregiver. This will make the difference between men and women less visible.
Should we still embrace the differences?
This may sound like a lot, but I’m not saying here that we should embrace the differences between men and women. No, what I’m saying is that you should embrace your own qualities —the individual differences we all have.
Because if we are all the same, if there is no more diversity, if everyone is like me, that seems very boring to me.
But at least we now live in the hypnosis that we are all different.
While, of course, we are all fundamentally the same. After all, we are all human.
But we all have our own qualities and unique characteristics.
These are precisely the ones we embrace.
My son said, "It's very simple, isn't it? If you are a Y chromosome, you are a man whether you have a penis or not."
But you can imagine that the word boys and girls is not made easier by gender-neutral parenting, as people are given more and more choices.
What can happen then is that people stop choosing. That they just don't do anything. That they become passive and have no idea what to do.
When it is clear what they need to do is easier and then action is taken.
Reality is already being distorted
In a previous podcast, I talked about agreed-upon reality and distorted reality. For example, you are reading this blog on a tablet or from a computer screen. That's the agreed-upon reality. That thing in front of you has a name. What you think of the computer or tablet next is your personal distortion of that.
Now it looks like we want to distort the agreed-upon reality, too.
And reality is already quite challenging. We already live in a world where you can create your own story. Where you can develop a unique life. Where you can be whoever you want to be.
A lot is possible. This is often hard enough to deal with.
On top of that, you go through all kinds of experiences in life that you have to learn to cope with. These can be traumatic events or intense experiences, such as the loss of a loved one, and you have to learn to cope with all of them.
You have to warp those in your mind so that you feel okay with it. That you can move on or maybe even laugh about it.
These are all distortions of the facts. For example, the fact is that your loved one has died. That loved one is also already a distortion of you. He died, you grieve about that, and at some point you distort that in such a way that you can deal with it. Maybe even so that you can especially look back on the beautiful moments you had together.
This is and has all been difficult enough.
Now we are also going to think, but was it a "he" then?
You do say "he" died. But then how are you going to look at it gender-neutrally. The human being has died.
This is all hassle.
I don't care about anything else. For example, you can sell children's stuff in neutral colors, everything green or something. But the funny thing is that the more we think we do like this, the harder it becomes for us to choose who we are.
This we can choose.
For me, it is already difficult to think: am I a man or a woman. So I choose man and that's up to everyone. But do you have to have more? Of course, this can be liberating for people. Just doing what you want, calling yourself what you want. This is a free country with possibilities.
Live your own hypnosis. Just go for it.
But when you want to extend this to other people's hypnosis, we do face an interesting challenge. After all, not everyone lives in the same hypnosis.
So how will you manage that?
I do think this is an interesting discussion. Maybe it's also a harbinger of an androgynous future, I don't know.
It's also interesting to hear from parents who think this is important, but who are still completely into male-female hypnosis themselves.
Whether all these choices make it easier I wonder. For some it does, but for most people it doesn't.
Also listen to this podcast on gender-neutral parenting.
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/1775563-genderneutraal-speelgoed-en-meer?play=true
The suggestions you make—both consciously and unconsciously—play a significant role in creating a kind of gender-neutral hypnosis. Would you like to learn more about hypnosis and how it can shape your worldview? Then join us for a free online hypnosis masterclass.
Would you like to learn more about hypnosis and how you can use it to help yourself or others change their perspective on the world? Then sign up for one of our training programs.
Sources:
[1] https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/1775563-genderneutraal-speelgoed-en-meer?play=true
[2] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1020679619728
[3] https://heinonline.org/HOL/LandingPage?handle=hein.journals/cblrt16&div=25&id=&page=