Divorce causes suffering, and this can even lead to parental rejection in children. This is something that can happen in a fighting divorce, and the technique a parent or other bystander unleashes on the child to "take sides" is even considered child abuse by some people. This can cause a child to emotionally distance himself or herself from the other parent and this is called parental alienation syndrome, which better translates into parental alienation.
Parental rejection is not fun for the child and not good for the parent. That's why in this blog I discuss what parental rejection is and what you can do about it.
What is parental rejection?
Parental Alienation is what can happen in a fighting divorce. A parent or someone else around the child can very subtly play on the child's feelings causing him to see one of the two parents as not nice. Parental rejection can also apply to grandparents.
The love a child feels for a parent is subtly transformed into hatred for the parent in parental rejection. Every love relationship whether it is friendships or family relationships has ups and downs, but in this case the downs are abused. Especially with parent-child loves, there can be a love-hate relationship. Everyone has something that totally annoys them to death about their parents or even grandparents.
This can be magnified by the person bringing about the parental rejection. Unpleasant memories are brought up and traits that are not always positive "he she is always picking her nose" can be highlighted.
The enjoyable moments the child has had with the parent are eradicated by the parent causing parental rejection by mainly retrieving the negative characteristics and memories that are therefore easier to access in the child's memory.
These techniques are also used in cults and other subgroups. Basic feelings of trust are disrupted. By repeating all the negative traits and memories over and over again, a new belief is put into the child.
Instead of truly blackening the parent, comments and remarks are repeatedly made about the parent being blackened. This slowly discolors the child's perception of the parent.
Who is to blame for parental rejection?
Parental rejection is not always the fault of the other parent. It can also be done by a family friend or even by a caregiver whose job it is to ensure that a divorce still goes well.
When a parent does engage in parental rejection, it often has to do with anger and a lack of personal boundaries. Sometimes narcissism is involved, but the parent may also lack the understanding that what they want to achieve is something different from what the child sees.
A child may also side with the parent applying parental rejection techniques for various reasons, such as:
- Intimidation.
- Fear of Punishment.
- Loyalty because the parent is more emotionally fragile.
Ultimately, it is not special for a child to take sides. It is the survival instinct that does this, and in doing so, it takes a large ego and self-confidence to remain neutral in a conflict. This is precisely something that is still being built during childhood.
In some cases, even before the fighting divorce, there is a problem with the parent being disowned. For example, because of abuse, alcohol abuse or because that parent is very controlling. Then the fighting divorce is an easy way for the child to get rid of that annoying parent.
Recovery, then, should come from treating yourself for alcohol abuse, anger management or letting go of control.
What increases the likelihood of parental rejection?
As seen with the reasons for parental rejection, emotional fragility can cause the very parent who is emotionally robust to be the victim of parental rejection. Generally, it is the fathers who are disowned and not the mothers.
In many cases, the father divorces a depressed insecure mother who identifies too strongly with her motherhood. The child feels abandoned by the father and that feeling is reinforced by the mother making statements such as "He left us.".
When the mother is the very victim of parental rejection, this is often the case with a son and a narcissistic father. The father is successful and looks down on less successful people, such as the mother. The son then identifies with his father and may actually feel abandoned by his mother. The mother, for example, has then done something morally wrong. Sometimes this is actually talked about by the father to the son "she is a bad mother because she cannot help you with your homework because you are smarter than her...".
How do you recognize parental rejection?
If you notice that the child keeps parroting another adult's opinion instead of forming his or her own opinion about the situation, this is a sign of parental rejection.
Also, if your child only accepts criticism of 1 parent and not the other parent, this is a sign of parental rejection.
In the end, most people only hate people they once loved.
Especially for children who have always had a good relationship with the one parent who suddenly disowned them, parental rejection can be incredibly unexpected and hard on them.
What to do about parental rejection?
If you are the parent suffering from parental rejection you may think that silence is golden, but that is not always the right tactic. This is because it gives the other parent all the space they need. Instead, it's better to give your child a reality check with examples of the things that are nice about you, such as the good qualities "You can always call me if there's a problem" and recalling fun memories "remember when.... that was fun huh?"
Again, you need to consider why you still want to paint a different picture to your child than the other parent. Is this because of anger and malice? Do you also acknowledge your own emotions and actions in the divorce? And are you really taking into account your child's wishes and needs?
Silence is not always gold, but do the speaking thoughtfully and not as a "counterattack."
Connect by exploring similarities and differences
Fortunately, recovering from parental rejection is something children can do as easily as undergoing parental rejection. You explore with your child what makes him unique and what makes him similar to one of the two parents.
You start with neutral topics such as hobbies, sports, colors and what food he/she likes. Then what agreement he/she has in these with one parent and another and how he/she differs from one parent and another.
Next, you can look at the child's feelings. What makes you happy? What makes you sad? And ultimately what makes you angry?
Talking about anger allows the child to understand that you can be angry with each other as parents, but that this does not mean you are angry with your child as a parent.
Spending more time with your child
If a parent is manipulative they will find it difficult to relinquish time from the child to the other parent. In many cases, this has to do with fear.
That anxious parent must then be helped to better control the anxiety. This can include hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy.
Knowing what your child needs
The parent who needs to slowly make up for time missed with the child sometimes needs advice on how to deal with the child's needs. Advice from the other parent is usually not well received after a divorce.
By reading a book or taking a course, you can already do a lot. Even buying a game console so your child has something to do when he/she is with you can already do a lot. Then you can also play games together.
Open up emotionally to your child
In many cases, the victim's parenting style is also authoritarian and less emotional than that of the parent who is just accepted. The very first exercise will cause you to emotionally bond better with your child.
Engaging in fun activities such as visiting the zoo, amusement park or watching fun movies together can make the bond with your child more enjoyable and intimate.
Using Mindfulness
Another way to strengthen your bond with your child is to be mindful about the parenting and activities you undertake together. Through mindfulness, you stay in the here and now with your thoughts and shut out negative thoughts, such as that your child has wronged you or that that ex of yours is a total **** so you can engage in some fun activities with your child in a positive way.
If you want to learn more about mental techniques to improve your life come to a seminar or check out Hypnosis Institute Netherlands' training courses.
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-me-in-we/201706/parental-alienation-and-its-repair
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.174-1617.1995.tb00373.x/full
