Coping with heartbreak: practical tips to avoid getting stuck
He or she was totally awesome. It was your buddy. You had such great times and now it's over. However, you think about him or her every day and it makes you despondent. You find it hard to move on and sometimes have terrible crying fits that it's over or even a bad night's sleep. Processing heartbreak sometimes comes in fits and starts.
To help you deal with heartbreak in the best way possible, in this blog I will go over what heartbreak is and how to deal with it.
What is heartbreak
Heartbreak is a mental state in which you are actually mourning the loss of your relationship. Heartbreak can lead to depressive feelings as a result.
Research also shows that about 80% of men and women who suffer from heartbreak also sleep less well as a result.
Heartbreak always seems to come from a romantic relationship that has broken down, but research shows that there are other causes for heartbreak. An unrequited love can also be the cause of heartbreak, or having a sexual relationship that has not changed to more than just physical pleasure.
Coping with heartbreak
Research shows that people cope with heartbreak by, for example, listening to music about heartbreak. However, it is unknown whether this actually helps speed up the healing process ( 1).
How long does heartbreak last
The research shows that heartbreak can last an average of 10 months to 1 year, but there are also people who only suffer from heartbreak for 1 month and there are also exceptions of people who suffer from heartbreak for up to 40 months, which is more than 3 years.
Personally, I think 10 months is a very long time, but of course it also depends on how long a relationship has lasted. If you are done with it after 6 months and want extra help to get rid of it, you can just do that.
Symptoms of heartbreak include:
- Insomnia
- Reduced daytime functioning
- Mood swings
- You want to be alone
- Fatigue
- No appetite
- You are easily distracted
- You become obsessive ( OCD-like)
- You analyze everything that happened
- Crying (for nothing)
So, heartbreak can cause insomnia, which can also cause you to function impaired during the day.
In addition, heartbreak can also cause nightmares. The pain of daily life is processed at night and can therefore lead to nightmares ( 2).
Stages of heartbreak
Heartbreak can last a month, or it can last a year. This is because you can go through certain stages to process the heartbreak.
Stage 1: Realization that it doesn't work
You may still be in a relationship during this phase, some people do not have this phase because they have just been abandoned by their partner, but you may also suffer from heartbreak if you do break up.
At this stage, you notice that the relationship is no longer working and you feel comfortable ignoring your partner.
Stage 2: It's actually out
At this stage, the relationship has broken down and you may have all kinds of thoughts - about why, about moving on anyway, or just not. The temptation to message or call your ex during this phase can be strong.
Stage 3: The grief
You have now really realized that it's out and are now going to do what scientists say people do with heartbreak, which is to listen to songs about broken relationships.
In addition, you can also cry a lot during this phase. Already in the first two stages, you may suffer from disturbed sleep.
Stage 4: Anger
Just as when mourning the permanent loss of a loved one , when you’re heartbroken, you’re mourning the loss of the relationship. This can also make you feel angry . That ex was a completely malicious person. You weren’t treated well, and he or she was actually just mean.
This is also the phase when you want to do something about your appearance again to look good.
Stage 5: The first steps
In this phase, you find out that there are indeed many more fish in the sea than your ex. Slowly you dare to flirt again, but not really yet. It's like learning to swim or walk again in single life.
Seeing your ex can still upset you.
Stage 6: Freedom
In fact, you haven't thought about your ex for days, and when he/she walks down the street with someone else, it doesn't give you a stomach ache either. That other person is better than you! You are completely over your ex and can enjoy your new life again, and maybe a new love.
Also watch this video on heartbreak resolution:
Heartbreak tips
To get over your heartbreak faster, there are a number of things you can do. These are practical things, as well as rituals that can provide closure.
Tip 1: Go do something social
You may still be in the phase where you don’t want to see anyone, but meeting up with friends or taking a workshop can help distract you from your grief for a while.
In the process, it also strengthens social ties with friends and family, making your loss smaller as well.
Tip 2: Go speed dating
By going speed dating once, completely free of charge, you'll immediately see that there are plenty of other fish swimming in the sea. You might still compare each participant to your ex, but at least it's a fun experience.
In the process, it can also act as a ritual to ensure that you mentally move into a new phase as well and turn off the "relationship phase."
Tip 3: Burn his/her stuff
Another ritual that many people take advantage of is by ritually burning old photos and items that your ex won't pick up. You can also say something while burning the items to make the closing moment even more powerful, such as:
"Take all your negative energy with the smoke."
Tip 4: Use mindfulness to recognize fantasy
It’s normal to think back on your ex from time to time, but it’s important not to start fantasizing about how wonderful it was or could have been. By practicing mindfulness, you can intervene more quickly when remembering someone turns into fantasizing about a future that doesn’t exist. This helps you stay more realistic, which can make heartbreak less intense.
Mindfulness also helps at work. If you’re constantly distracted by memories or fears about the future while working, it’s hard to do your best work. By practicing mindfulness at work, you can prevent mistakes.
Tip 5: Move more
Exercising also helps distract you from your sadness for a while. Plus, physical activity triggers the release of hormones that actually make you happy, like the “runner’s high” experienced by runners. It gives you something to do. You can do it on your own, and it makes you stronger.
Love shares the same neurological basis as an addiction, which is why some things that help with an addiction are also effective for getting over heartbreak, such as exercising.
Tip 6: Accept that it hurts and takes time
You may want to go through all 6 stages right away and use all the tips to get rid of your heartbreak as quickly as possible. It is important to accept that heartbreak is not fun and that sometimes it can take a while to get rid of it.
Heartbreak and hypnosis
When you fall in love you actually get into a kind of hypnosis too. When you are in love you keep repeating beliefs about the person you are in love with. He/she is the funniest, smartest, nicest and much more. This does not have to be factually correct but it works the way hypnotic suggestions work.
A hypnotherapist can help you suffer less from heartbreak by figuring out why you are grieving right now and how logical that grief actually is( 3).
If uncertainty about the future is causing additional heartbreak, a hypnotherapist can also do a lot to help you build more self-confidence , making you less dependent on your ex’s love.
In addition, there are many other techniques that a hypnotherapist can use to help you suffer less from heartbreak.
Heartbreak and NLP
NLP can also help well against heartbreak. In neuro linguistic programming, you get help to change certain thoughts that cause heartbreak. Because everyone experiences heartbreak differently, the new "program" is different for everyone.
Also check out my vlog on heartbreak due to unrequited love or a broken relationship with mixed signals:
Would you like to learn more about mental techniques to cope better with grief? Then come to a seminar or check out the training programs offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.
Also pin this handy infographic:
Sources:
2. http://file.scirp.org/pdf/Health_2017012215195346.pdf
3. https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/OG19210214.2.42
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