Becoming a father feeling: 7 Facts that change your pre-birth emotional journey

Do you think the "becoming a father feeling" comes when you first hold your baby in your arms? Many expectant fathers struggle with this question, or even feel insecure because that intense connection is not yet overwhelmingly present. This misconception can lead to unnecessary doubts or the idea that you are missing something. But the reality is more complex and fascinating: your emotional journey as a father begins much earlier, often as soon as you hear that your partner is pregnant.

And believe me, because I've done it 4x 😉.

In this blog article, we take a closer look at becoming a father and the feelings you may have as a result.

The father becoming feeling and biological reality

The cliché image is persistent: the mother feels an instant bond thanks to the baby's hormones and physical presence, while the father only "wakes up" at birth. This image does not do justice to the rich, nuanced experience of expectant fathers. It is a misconception that can make expectant fathers feel that they are behind, or that their experience is less "real" than their partner's.

In fact, scientific research shows that men also undergo significant changes. Some men even experience a "male pregnancy" (also called "couvade syndrome") in which the body can adapt physically and emotionally[1]. This already shows that pregnancy can definitely have an effect on the father-to-be.

Although this syndrome may also be due to mental health issues, such as past struggles for attention with your brothers or sisters and anxiety about becoming a father.

Even if you don't have a "male pregnancy," you may become emotional about the upcoming baby. This is not a sign of weakness, but rather a deep, biological and psychological preparation for parenthood.

When you become the child's primary caregiver, because the mother cannot care for the child, for example, you get changes even in your brain that are mostly seen in mothers. But these can therefore also occur in fathers, if they see themselves as the main caregiver for the child[2]. Even without that " responsibility," your brain will change because of fatherhood, in order to respond properly to signals given by your child (source 1).

More than hormones

Your mental preparation for fatherhood is just as crucial as the physical changes your partner is going through. This emotional journey is unique and encompasses a wide range of feelings. Think of excitement and anticipation, but also fear, uncertainty about the future, and even sadness over the loss of your “old” life.

1. Identity Shift: Your role shifts from partner to father. This requires you to redefine who you are and what your priorities are.
2. Financial concerns: The economic impact of having a child is significant and can cause stress. This is a common source of concern.
3. Expectations and Pressure: You may feel pressure to be a “good father,” whatever that term may mean. This can be overwhelming, especially if you have all sorts of beliefs about what it means and are afraid of not meeting that standard.
4. Relationship Dynamics: The arrival of a child irrevocably changes the dynamics between you and your partner, and communication is essential in this regard.

Acknowledging these complex emotions is the first step to a healthy transition to fatherhood. It is perfectly normal to feel this way, and you are certainly not the only one.

Neurobiological changes when you become a father

Recent research sheds new light on the biological aspects of male pregnancy and attachment. It is not just a psychological process. The brains of expectant fathers undergo measurable changes.

• Hormonal fluctuations: Studies show that men closely involved in their partner's pregnancy may experience a change in hormone levels, such as testosterone, cortisol, prolactin and oxytocin. These hormones play a role in bonding and grooming behavior[3].
• Brain plasticity: MRI scans of the brains of new fathers show that certain brain regions associated with empathy, reward and social connection can grow and change. This is similar to the changes in the maternal brain, albeit in a different way.
• The role of oxytocin: This "cuddle hormone," often associated with mothers, also appears to play a crucial role in paternal attachment. Interactions with the baby, holding, talking, skin-to-skin contact, stimulate its production in fathers. Fifteen minutes a day is already enough for this effect, but more time is obviously better[4]. Interacting with the fetus can be done even before birth. For example, you can talk to the child through the belly.

These neurobiological adaptations are evidence that the body is preparing for the new role. They support the development of that deep paternal bonding, often well before birth.

Promoting early attachment as you become a father

You don't have to wait until the baby arrives to connect. There are many proactive steps you can take to encourage early bonding and prepare for the feeling of becoming a father.

Talk to your partner about your expectations, fears, and dreams. Share what’s on your mind and listen to what’s on hers. This strengthens your bond as expectant parents.

Also join us for ultrasounds and midwife appointments. This makes everything "more real" and you gain more insight into your baby's development.

As mentioned earlier, you can talk to the fetus through the belly. It may feel silly to talk, sing or read to a belly, but this is a powerful way to build rapport. Babies then also recognize your voice after birth.

Decorating the baby's room, picking out belongings, putting together the stroller (setting up a savings account for the child). These practical actions create a sense of commitment and preparation.

You can also read books and take courses on what to consider later as parents. Also talk to other fathers about their experiences. Knowledge takes away uncertainty.

And you can also use self-hypnosis, visualizing, for example, what it is like to be a father, the moments you will experience with your baby, the sounds and smells that come with it. Smell a jar of Zwitsal 😉 . This will help your brain adjust to the new role.

By taking these steps, you will create a stronger bond not only with your unborn child, but also with your partner, and with your own new identity as a father.

What if the feeling is off?

It is crucial to recognize that not every father experiences an instant overwhelming "father feeling," even after birth. This is true even for mothers, but it is often taboo to express it as a woman, so you hear much less about that.

Not having an overwhelming sense of fatherhood is normal and absolutely does not mean you will not be a good father. Sometimes the bond builds gradually over weeks or months. The pressure of societal expectations can have a big effect in your reaction to feeling or not experiencing the feelings.

• Paternal Postpartum Depression (PPPD): Although often associated with mothers, fathers can also experience postpartum depression. Symptoms include irritability, withdrawal, lack of pleasure and feeling overwhelmed[5]. If you experience these feelings, seek professional help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help.
• Realistic expectations: Realize that parenting is a learning process. There will be good days and challenging days. Focus on small, positive interactions.
• Taking care of yourself: Make sure you continue to take time for yourself, no matter how difficult that may seem. Whether it's exercising, pursuing a hobby or spending time with friends, your own well-being is essential to your ability to care for your family. A tired, stressed-out father is less able to bond. For the mother, this is also important, so plan father and mother time so that you give your partner some time off, and your partner also gives you some time off from being a father.

Conclusion: Becoming a father begins before birth

The emotional journey of becoming a father is a profound, personal and transformative adventure that begins long before birth. It is a process of growth, adjustment and embracing a new identity. By busting the myths, understanding the science behind paternal attachment and taking proactive steps, you can lay a solid foundation for a deep and lasting bond with your child.

Remember that every path to fatherhood is unique. Validate your own feelings, seek support when needed, and be proud of the man you are becoming.

This preparation not only benefits you and your child, but also your family's overall resilience.

Hypnosis to eliminate fears and stimulate visualizations

Finding it difficult to apply the tips in this article? Hypnotherapy can do a lot to eliminate fears about fatherhood and to help you better imagine what it will be like to be a father soon.

In addition to reducing anxiety, hypnosis can also help expectant fathers deepen their paternal feelings and experience them more actively. Through targeted suggestions and visualizations, you can help your subconscious mind adjust to the role of fatherhood.

Consider conjuring up images in which you hold, care for or comfort your baby, and feeling the emotions that go with them. This strengthens your connection with your future child even before birth and increases your ability to experience loving and nurturing feelings once the baby arrives.

Exactly how this works and how a therapist can help people with it is what you will learn at the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands courses.

So would you like to help expectant fathers or yourself? Then knowledge of hypnosis can be invaluable.

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