Why you still get triggered (and how to reset that old programming for good)

Edwin Selij
May 15, 2026

Someone says something, you get to a certain place, or something small happens and boom: you shoot into stress, you get angry, or you reach for that old habit you thought you were rid of. You get triggered. Constantly. And you ask yourself, "How can this be? I've already worked on this, haven't I?"

The problem is not that you're not working hard enough. The problem is that you are tinkering at the wrong level.

Today I’m going to explain why those triggers keep coming up and, more importantly, how to resolve that crap once and for all.

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The Role You Take: Identity vs. Behavior

Everything in your life hinges on identity[1]. In other words: the role you assume.

Take a look at my own story. I used to be an addicted construction worker from Wormerveer. That was my role. And because I had that role, I did certain things. I exhibited specific behaviors in a specific environment. I valued certain things (drinking, snorting, partying) and I believed certain things about myself.

My beliefs were simple:

That was the identity I lived by. And from that role, I developed skills. Yes, you need skills to be an addict, too, you know. You have to know where to get your stuff, how to hide it, and how to maintain that lifestyle.

But here's where it gets interesting: on the construction site, I was a different Edwin. There I was the construction worker making foundations. There I wasn't necessarily the addict (except for smoking a ciggie). Different environment, different role, different skill set. The addict only really came out after work.

Why am I telling you this? Because you need to understand that your brain works in compartments. You’re not a single static block of concrete. You’re a collection of roles. And those triggers that bother you? They’re tied to those old roles.

The George Michael mistake: Why the environment grabs you

Let me give you an example of how deep that programming is. Years ago, when I was still deep in my depression, I listened to George Michael non-stop. His music became completely anchored in my system to that depressive feeling.

At one point, I was clean for four years. Four years of not smoking, four years of not drinking. I felt great. George Michael was giving a concert at the Arena and I thought, "Nice, that's where I'm going."

I step into that Arena and within no time it happens. I see a friend of mine and the first thing I say is, "Give me a shag. Give me your shag." I light that thing up (when that was still allowed in the Arena), walk straight to the bar and get beer.

As I stand there puffing and drinking, part of me thinks, "Edwin, what the hell are you doing? You've been quitting for four years!"

What was going on there? Was I suddenly an addict again? No. The Arena was the trigger. The social context had this effect; these kinds of effects are also known to addiction specialists[2].

I hadn’t been to the Arena in four years. But in the years before that, I had an Ajax season ticket, and I’d done absolutely everything there that God forbids. Snorting, drinking, the whole shebang. My brain had linked that physical location to that specific addictive behavior. As soon as I stepped into that environment, the old “Addict” program was activated. The neural pathway in my brain was still there.

The big trick: "I'm not addicted, I do addicted"

Now you may be thinking, "See, so you just fall back." But that's where most people go wrong.

Because I had already changed my identity, it wasn't a relapse. I drank that beer, I smoked that cigarette, and then it was done. Why? Because I no longer identified with the addict.

I am not addicted. I only exhibited addictive behavior for a while because it was triggered.

This is the difference between freedom and a lifetime of fighting your demons. If you believe you are "an alcoholic" (identity), then you are one beer away from the abyss for the rest of your life. But if you understand that it is a program that is sometimes triggered in an old environment, then you can drink that beer and then just get on with your life as the new person you are.

How to reset those triggers (The conversation with your younger self)

You are triggered because an "old role" from the past still thinks it should be at the helm. Usually that is a younger version of yourself.

In my case, it was that 16-year-old Edwin. The rebel. The boy who was in pain and wanted to numb that pain. That 16-year-old is still stored somewhere in my system. And that kid has no idea that I am now 50, successful, and have all kinds of skills to deal with emotions.

When that 16-year-old is triggered, he reacts just as a 16-year-old would: with rebellion, with avoidance, or with numbness.

Step 1: Identify the role

When you are triggered, ask yourself, "How old do I really feel?" Often you will find that you are not responding as a mature guy or woman in her 40s or 50s, but as a child of 8, or an adolescent of 15.

Step 2: Start the conversation

It may sound woolly, but this is pure neurology[3]. You need to update those old compartments in your brain. Go back to that version of yourself in your imagination.

Say to that 16-year-old, "Hey, I see you. I get that you're doing this to protect us. But listen up: I'm 50 now, and we've learned by now how to do this differently. We don't need that drink or that anger anymore. You don't have to do it alone anymore."

Step 3: Grow them up

You want to help those smaller identities grow into who you are today. Give them the skills you now possess. Show them that their environment is safe. That way, you integrate those old parts of yourself into your current identity.

The deeper layer: The search for safety

Let's go a layer deeper, because why did you start that behavior in the first place? Why did that 16-year-old become a rebel or an addict?

Often that behavior is a solution to an even older problem. I started boozing and snorting to numb pain. And that pain? It came from an identity that was even younger. A two- or three-year-old boy who felt unsafe.

Safety is the foundation of everything

If that little child inside you feels unsafe, it will develop mechanisms to survive[4]. This could be addiction, but it could also be people-pleasing, perfectionism, or working yourself to the bone until you burn out.

If you only address the trigger of the 16-year-old, but you ignore that little three-year-old who is terrified, you keep mopping up. You have to go to the source. You have to give those roles piece by piece the safety and skills they were missing at the time.

The brain as compartmentalized

Your brain works very efficiently. If you're happy, it's very hard to be depressed. And when you're depressed, you can hardly imagine what it's like to be happy. That's because those emotions are in different "compartments."

The same applies to your roles. You have a role as a parent, a role as an employee, a role as a partner… and those old roles of “the victim” or “the addict.”

When you are triggered, your brain simply fires into one of those old compartments. It's an automatic route. A highway you've walked down for years. It's up to you to create a new route and let that old road become overgrown.

What will you do next?

Triggers are not a sign that you have failed. They are simply signposts that say, "Hey, here's another old role that needs an update."

  1. Recognize the trigger: Become aware of the moment your unconscious program takes over.
  2. Check out the role: Who is speaking now? How old is this part of me?
  3. Update the system: Talk to that version of yourself. Explain that it is now 2026 (or however old you are), that you are safe, and that you have new skills.
  4. Choose your identity: Keep reminding yourself, "I am not this behavior, I am doing this behavior."

This is a work in progress, ladies and gentlemen. You're not programmed in a day, so this reprogramming also takes some time. But when you master this, you will finally be truly free.

Did you find this a valuable lesson? Then check this website regularly for the new helpful blogs full of useful information.

And do you need help with that reprogramming? I have a complete self-help library available online.

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