Why some people really never get rid of their anxiety (and why that's a choice)

Today we are going to talk about a topic that many people would rather close their eyes to. We're going to talk about the harsh reality of change. Because let's face it: why do some people really never get rid of their fear?

You might think: you do a session, you use that hypnosis, and boom—fear is gone. But it doesn’t work that way for everyone. There’s a group of people who get stuck, and today I’ll explain exactly why that happens. And believe me, it’s a real laugh.

Also watch the video:

The story of the 1,200

Let me take you back to a moment in my practice, years ago. I received a request from the local government. They had a client who had been on welfare for decades due to a severe phobia. The local government was desperate and wanted me to help him.

I thought, "You know what? I'll throw in an amount I don't think they'll ever do." I asked 1,200 euros for one session. I really thought they would laugh and toot the horn. But guess what? A few days later: agreed.

At that point, ladies and gentlemen, it should have rung a bell with me. But it barely rang at all. I just thought, "Yummy, this is going to be great."

I went to see the man. He was somewhere in his fifties. He opened the door, looked at me and said the first thing that set the tone for the whole afternoon: "Gee, so you're that Edwin guy who came to help me get rid of my phobia for a while? Well, I can tell you: you're not going to succeed."

Boom. Down 2-0 before I even put my bag down.

The stack of reports as a shield

What happened next was fascinating and, at the same time, deeply sad. He showed up with a whole stack of reports—reports from psychiatrists, psychologists, agencies… you name it. A thick file that explained in minute detail why he had his “little phobia” (as he called it) and why, above all, he couldn’t get rid of it.

He used those reports as a kind of armor. He had been officially labeled “incurable.” And you know what the problem is? If you identify yourself with your diagnosis, then healing becomes your greatest enemy. Because who are you left with once that fear is gone[1]?

The hidden agenda of 'salvation'

During our conversation, the click did get better. We actually got along quite well. But then the penny dropped. He said, "Do you know why the municipality is sending you? They want me off the benefit. If you 'fix' me, then I have to go back to work. Then they won't have to pay me anymore. That will save them tons of money."

And that was the crux of the matter. This man was in his fifties. His last job? Paver. Just imagine: you’re 55 years old, your body is practically worn out from the hard labor, and you’ve been on welfare since you were nineteen because of your agoraphobia ( fear of open spaces).

If I were to help him overcome his fear in a single afternoon, what would his reality be? Then, after forty years, he’d have to get back on the road. Then he’d have to get back down to business, working his butt off until retirement.

The fear of having to toil again was many times greater than the fear of staying inside. The phobia had become his safe haven. This is what is the function of worry and fear for many people[2].

The pain of the missed years

But there is something much deeper at play, something many people overlook when they talk about change. Imagine if I had succeeded. Imagine if I had "healed" that man that afternoon and he had walked to the marketplace whistling. What do you think would have happened to his psyche then?

He would look back on his life. He would realize that he had been locked up since he was nineteen. Forty years of missed vacations. Forty years of missed relationships. Forty years of missed opportunities, career paths, and adventures.

If one session with Edwin Selij had been enough to set him free, the inevitable question would be: "Why didn't anyone come when I was nineteen? Why did I throw away forty years of my life?"

That realization, ladies and gentlemen, is unbearable for most people. The pain of the past, the pain of missed opportunities, that jumps on your neck as soon as the fear dissipates. For this man, it was safer to hold on to his fear.

The fear was something he was used to. Those 40 years of "safety" were worth more than confronting a devastated past. Healing in his case would have been a psychological sledgehammer blow.

Fear as a protective mechanism

This applies to far more people than you might think. Fear is often not the problem. It is the solution to another, bigger problem.

Maybe you have panic attacks. That’s awful—I know. I’ve had them myself; I know the terror, the sweat, the feeling that your heart is going to jump out of your chest. But ask yourself: what is that panic protecting you from?

Imagine no more panic attacks. What should you do then? Should you then break off that relationship that has actually been suffocating you for years? Should you then finally take that step toward that job you're terrified of? Do you then have to confront the outside world that might condemn you?

Sometimes fear is easier than reality. It's a symptom you can deal with. You can numb it a little, you can talk about it to the psychologist, you can learn to deal with it a little. But the real problem? You don't dare to deal with that. It's too big, too difficult, too confronting.

Your problem is not your problem

I've made videos and recorded podcasts about this before: your problem is not your problem. The panic attack is just the alarm going off. But we're so busy trying to turn off the alarm that we forget to look at where the fire actually is.

People who never get rid of fear are often those who refuse to look at the fire. They just want the sound of the alarm to stop. They want a pill, a trick, or a "magic" hypnosis session that takes everything away without them having to look in the mirror themselves.

But change requires willingness. The willingness to tackle the real problem. Are you willing to confront the reason why you created that fear in the first place? Are you willing to take back responsibility for your life, even if that means facing up to past mistakes?

The choice: Stay put or get up?

Don't get me wrong: You can get rid of it. Anyone can get rid of anxiety. But you have to want it on a deeper level than just saying, "I want to get rid of this unpleasant feeling." You have to be willing to give up the secondary disease gains, the benefits your anxiety unconsciously offers you.

The man from the community? That one never got rid of his phobia. And somewhere I understand. For him, the price of freedom was too high. The price was surrendering his safe bubble and confronting forty lost years.

But you? You have a choice. Maybe you're not 55; maybe you're 20, 30 or 40. Maybe you haven't lost forty yet. Do you want to wait until you do? Or are you willing to say today, "Okay, that panic is a symptom. What's underneath it? What am I really running away from?"

The gain of your anxiety, is it worth it?

It's a tough message, I know. But I'm not here to talk you down. I'm here to help you liberate. And liberation begins with truth.

If you find that you've been struggling for years and nothing seems to help, consider this: what is this fear getting you? What do you not need to do as long as you have that fear? And are you willing to give that up?

If the answer is "yes," then hypnosis is the most powerful tool available. Then we can move mountains. But if the answer is "no," then even the best therapist in the world can't help you.

Did you find this an interesting angle? Let me know in the comments.

Go for that radiant smile, but dare to look at the shadow first.

Learning hypnosis to resolve anxiety

Do you want to help people overcome their fears? Then knowledge of hypnosis is essential. Come to the free masterclass for an introduction.

Or sign up for one of our events and training courses.

Do you have a question about our training program? Schedule a one-on-one consultation here.

Feel free to save this infographic as a handy reminder:

Sources: