You know this? You resolve to act differently, eat healthier or finally break that habit. And then? Then you do it again exactly as usual. Self-regulation, at least what we mean by it, turns out to be a daily struggle for most people that fails more often than succeeds.
Now you may be thinking, "It's just me, I just don't have enough willpower." But what if I told you that more than 4.4% of the world's population struggles with depression, a condition closely related to this struggle? In fact, depression is in the top 20 causes of death worldwide, with nearly 800,000 suicides per year. These are not figures of people "just not doing their best."
The problem is not in you. It's in how we look at self-regulation. Because you don't have self-regulation - you do. Just as you don't have frustration, you do frustration. And if you do something, you can do something else.
Research shows that effective emotion regulation improves significantly with the right approach [9]. Self-control helps you make better decisions and significantly increases your quality of life. Just that doesn't happen by trying harder with the same methods that already didn't work.
Perhaps you've never heard of self-hypnosis, or you think one thing or another about it. "Hypnosis? That's that stuff where you walk like a chicken, right?" No, that's show hypnosis. Scientific research shows that self-hypnosis is just as effective as hypnotherapy by a therapist [2]. The difference? You do it yourself, whenever you want.
Where ordinary methods of self-regulation rely on willpower depletion, self-hypnosis works directly with your subconscious. No fighting against yourself, but cooperation. It can help reduce fretting [2] and gives you back control of your emotional reactions.
Why does this work while other methods fail? That's what this article is about. You'll discover not only why self-regulation so often fails, but more importantly how self-hypnosis can finally give you that breakthrough you've been looking for.
What you actually do when you think you have self-regulation
You do self-regulation, you don't have it
Self-regulation is often described as the ability to control your own thoughts, emotions and behavior. But as we saw, you don't have it, you do it. It is a goal-directed process by which you adjust yourself to achieve certain goals [1]. Only it doesn't happen the way most people think.
Looking at what you actually do, there are three parts. First, you do self-regulation strength: that indeed works like a muscle that varies and fluctuates from person to person. Sometimes you can do it, sometimes you can't, depending on how you feel and what's happening. Next, you do self-regulation content: you work toward goals such as healthier relationships or a better job. Third, you do self-regulation strategies: the ways you pursue those goals [1].
The interesting thing is that you do all this even if you think you have no self-regulation.
When did you start doing self-regulation?
Toddlers are already doing self-regulation, even if they don't realize it [2]. Babies aged 0-2 need a lot of parental support, but children aged 3-5 develop self-awareness and empathy that help. Between 6-12 years, this is further reinforced.
What many people don't know: your brain that supports self-regulation continues to develop beyond your 20s. This means that no matter where you are in life now, you can still improve in what you do. Executive functions such as working memory, attention regulation and cognitive flexibility play an important role in this.
Now you may be thinking, "Yeah, but I'm already 30, 40 or 50, so it's too late by then." That's not true. You can get better at self-regulation at any age, because you do it and so you can do it differently. I also didn't start playing sports fanatically until I was 40.
Why would you want to get better at what you do?
Research shows that self-regulation is more important for school performance than intelligence. Children who are good at self-regulation are three to five months ahead of peers. That says something about its power.
At work, it helps with time management, stress management and conflict resolution. That colleague who always stays calm during hectic projects? That one just does different self-regulation than the one who panics. It has nothing to do with character or aptitude, but with what they do.
Relationships also improve through good self-regulation [1]. You communicate more clearly and adapt more easily. You probably know couples where one always reacts calmly and the other always irritated. That has everything to do with how they self-regulate.
Lack of good self-regulation increases the risk of mental health problems such as depression, eating disorders, antisocial behavior and addictions. Then again, you do those problems, you don't have them. And what you do, you can do differently.
Self-regulation enables you to act with purpose, resist temptations and persevere in the face of challenges. It's not a trait you have or don't have, but something you do. And because you do it, you can learn to do it better.
This is why self-regulation is seen as the foundation for a healthy, connected and successful life. Not because it is a magical power that some have and others don't, but because it is something you can learn and improve.
Why you keep falling into the same trap
Just last week you resolved to eat healthier. This week you're back in front of Netflix with a bag of chips. Recognizable? Most people then think, "I have no willpower." But that's not true. You don't have willpower, you do willpower. And apparently you don't do it very skillfully.
Research shows that as many as 92% of all good intentions fail [2]. That's almost everyone. So are you that particularly bad at resolutions? No, you're just human. Habits, convenience and pleasure are simply stronger than good intentions. Breaking ingrained patterns takes a lot out of you, especially when those habits feel good [2].
People are also champions of making up excuses. "It runs in the family" when losing weight, "It's because of stress I can't do anything about" [2]. The same goes for quitting smoking or less screen time. We always have a reason why it's not working right now.
Your willpower tank is empty
There's a reason you give in to temptations more easily at night than in the morning. Self-control works like a muscle that gets tired. As your day progresses and you continue to control yourself, i.e. don't snarl at your co-worker, don't grab a cookie, stay friendly, your "willpower tank" runs out.
Then you become more sensitive to everything you really don't want. That unhealthy snack, that impulsive purchase, that reaction you later regret. Your brain looks for the easiest way, and that's usually the old, familiar way.
What you believe about willpower also matters. People who believe willpower is unlimited last longer than people who believe it is finite. Interesting, because it means your idea about willpower affects how much of it you have.
When emotions take over
When you are angry, frustrated or disappointed, you forget all your good intentions. Then it is as if another person takes over. Your attention disappears, your clear thinking disappears.
Negative emotions not only limit your ability to absorb information, they also lead to impulsive decisions and gloomy thinking [4]. A downward spiral occurs: bad emotion leads to bad behavior, which in turn produces bad emotions [4].
Those emotions can even lead to burnout and physical symptoms [3]. You start avoiding tasks you don't feel confident about. It becomes a vicious cycle that is difficult to break.
Now you may understand why the usual approach doesn't work. You're fighting against yourself instead of working with yourself. That's where self-hypnosis comes in. But more on that in a moment.
How self-hypnosis does work where willpower fails
When I asked people why they didn't keep their good intentions, I always got the same answer: "I just don't have enough willpower." As if willpower is like gasoline you can refill at the gas station. But willpower runs out, self-hypnosis does not.
Your subconscious as ally instead of opponent
Self-hypnosis works because you no longer have to fight against yourself. Normally your "critical brain," a kind of gatekeeper in your head, judges all suggestions that come in. "Working out is fun?" "Nonsense, the couch is much more fun." You know that kind of reaction.
In hypnosis, you bypass that critical gatekeeper. You can offer suggestions directly to your subconscious without immediate resistance. It's not that you lose control: on the contrary, you finally create cooperation between what you want and what you do.
Think about it. How much energy does it take to force yourself to go to the gym? And how much energy does it take to brush your teeth? With the latter, you don't even have to think about it, it comes naturally. That's the difference between fighting against yourself and cooperating with yourself.
Motivation that sticks
By applying visualizations during self-hypnosis, you strengthen your motivation and reduce internal resistance. Research shows that regular self-hypnosis can change your attitude toward activities such as sports. You not only find the motivation to start, but also to persevere.
Your subconscious accepts positive suggestions and works them out automatically. Behavior change then happens more naturally than when you rely on willpower alone. It's as if you finally have a tailwind instead of continuous headwinds.
Post-hypnotic suggestions: programming for success
Post-hypnotic suggestions are instructions you give yourself during hypnosis, but which continue to work after you are "awake" again. These suggestions store in your subconscious and later automatically influence your behavior.
A simple example: "Every time you drink water, you feel refreshed and energized." May sound simple, but this technique works particularly well in changing habits around eating behaviors, sleep or stress management.
The beauty is that you can do this yourself. You don't have to see a therapist; you can incorporate these suggestions yourself. It's like being able to rewrite your own software.
Breaking emotional patterns
Emotional self-regulation improves greatly through self-hypnosis. You can distance yourself from intense emotions, dissociate, as it is called, and see yourself from a different perspective. This gives you new insights and allows you to break emotional patterns.
For physical complaints such as headaches, you can apply visualization techniques. You visualize away the discomfort and can even prevent symptoms from returning. That may sound woolly, but it works. After all, your body listens to your brain, not the other way around.
Want to learn how to practically apply these self-hypnosis techniques? Then join our free master class, or register for one of our events or trainings.
Self-hypnosis in your daily life
You now know how powerful self-hypnosis can be, but how do you really use it? Because knowledge without action is like a car without gasoline - it won't get you anywhere.
Just get started (and persevere)
Daily practice works best, even if it's only five minutes. You'll find that it gets easier and easier. Some people do self-hypnosis daily for constant support, others find that a few times a week is enough.
What works for me? Schedule regular times:
- Morning (for focus): 4 rounds of box breathing (5 min)
- Afternoon (stress reset): 10 minutes of coherent breathing
- Evening (before sleep): 4-7-8 breathing
Can't manage to cram this into your day? Use an app with reminders on your phone. Simple, but it works.
Combine with other things you already do
Self-hypnosis is great to combine with breathing techniques for double benefit. You can also add visualization exercises. These help you relax, gain clarity and release emotional tension.
The beauty is: you don't have to do everything at once. Start with what appeals to you and build it slowly. After all, you're doing it yourself.
Visualization: more powerful than you think
For emotional self-regulation, visualization is particularly powerful. For example, imagine breathing in relaxation, peace or positive feelings and breathing out stress.
Another effective exercise: visualize a soothing white or golden light moving slowly along your body, warming and relaxing each part. Sound floaty? Try it. Your brain does not distinguish between what you visualize and what actually happens.
From the practice
A client of mine had an important meeting and needed to write a quick note. He used self-hypnosis to confidently complete the work in a short period of time. The self-hypnosis lasted only 15 minutes but provided enough focus and calmness to successfully complete the task.
This is not an exceptional story. When you apply self-hypnosis regularly, you find that such situations become less stressful. After all, you have a tool that works.
It's not about becoming perfect at self-hypnosis. It's about doing it. Because you don't self-regulate, you do it. And with self-hypnosis, you do it in a way that actually works.
Take ownership of yourself
You've read it: you don't self-regulate, you do. Just as you don't have willpower that runs out, you exhaust yourself by fighting against yourself. The beauty is that when you do something, you can do something else.
Self-hypnosis is not a panacea. It doesn't exist. But it is a way to work with yourself instead of against yourself. Your subconscious mind becomes your ally instead of your opponent. That's where the power is.
Do you have to use it daily? No, you don't have to. Five minutes can be enough. Want to do it perfectly from day one? Also not necessary. You learn by doing it, not by thinking about it.
It's also not about mastering all the techniques that exist. It's about finding one thing that works for you and doing it. Simple, but not necessarily easy. Those are two different things.
What I can promise you: when you get started with it, you'll notice a difference. Maybe not right away, maybe you will. You won't know until you do it. Because you don't have results, you create them.
The choice is yours. You can continue with the same methods that didn't work until now. Or you can try something new. Self-hypnosis works, we know. Whether it works for you too, you'll discover only by doing it.
So do it. Not perfectly, not later, not when you're ready. Just do it. Because taking ownership of yourself starts with that one step. And that step is you doing it.
Learn Hypnosis
Want to get started with hypnosis and self-hypnosis, work on yourself and have the tools to help other people with their self-regulation? Come to our free master class for an introduction.
Or register for one of our events and trainings.
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Sources:
[1] - https://journals.lww.com/jehp/fulltext/2023/10310/the_effectiveness_of_mindful_hypnotherapy_on.365.aspx?context=latestarticles
[2] - https://jurnalalkhairat.org/ojs/index.php/jkpi/article/view/880
[3] - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1744388123000919
[4] - https://ijhespub.org/index.php/pub/article/view/113
