Why your story doesn't matter at all to a good therapist (and what does work)

You probably recognize it. You've been walking around with a problem, a bad memory or a persistent fear for a while. You decide it's time for action and turn to a therapist or coach.

Once there, you take a deep breath and begin to share. You share the whole story: what exactly happened, what the person said to you, how unfair it was and why it still bothers you today. You pour out your heart.

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And you know what a really good therapist thinks at the time?

"This story is actually not very interesting at all."

That may sound a little painful, or even a little clunky. But trust me: it's the best news you're going to hear today. Because if a therapist is only concerned with the substance of your problem, it generally won't be anything at all. Or at least it takes far, far too long.

In this article I'm going to explain to you exactly why the content of your problem is irrelevant, why the process in your brain is the key to real change, and how you can train your own brain to neutralize unpleasant memories for good.

The big misconception: Content versus Process

When we struggle with mental health issues, stress, or trauma, we tend to zoom in entirely on the details. The content can be anything: your father or mother, that painful breakup, that mistake at work, or something you experienced in the schoolyard long ago. We talk about it, analyze it, dwell on it, and try to understand why it happened.

But here's the crux: focusing purely on that content changes very little in practice. Why? Because the content itself is not the cause of how you feel now.

The example of spin

Let me illustrate this with a simple example. Imagine this: there is a spider running across the floor here. A big, hairy guy. In this scenario, the spider is the "content. If the content itself were the direct cause of fear, then logically everyone who sees this spider should be terrified. Because the spider does not change; the contents remain exactly the same.

But what do we see in reality?

• Person A jumps on the couch with a heart rate of 180 and screams the whole neighborhood together.
• Person B walks up to it sober, puts a glass over it and puts the beast out.
• Person C just finds it a fascinating animal and wants him as a pet.

So it’s not the spider’s fault. It’s not the content’s fault. It’s purely and simply the story you’ve created around it in your head. It’s your internal process.

Why two people react differently in the same situation

Now you may say, "Yeah, but Edwin, a spider is just a simple example. I went through something really intense. You can't compare that."

So let's take it a step further into depth. Imagine if you and I were going through the exact same thing. We are at the same party and something very unpleasant or intense happens. The content is identical for both of us. Yet you may be traumatized after that night, while I am not awake for a second the next day. Or the other way around.

You can observe this psychological phenomenon even during the most horrific events, such as a terrorist attack or a serious accident. Imagine that a hundred people experience a violent attack at the same time. At first, everyone is naturally in shock. That is a completely normal, biological reaction of the body.

But if you look at that same group again after a year, two years, or five years, you’ll see that some of the people are still severely traumatized, while a very large portion (perhaps even the majority) has picked up the threads of their lives again and no longer experiences any daily distress from it.

How to. The content of the event was exactly the same for all 100 people. The bullets were just as real, the blow was just as hard. So the difference is not in what happened there at that moment. The difference is in the process: your perception and your unique view of that particular moment.

The Crux: We can't change the content. The past is fixed. We can't travel back in time to chase that spider away, send that man out of the room or undo that event. What we can change, however, is your view of it. And that's the genius of our brain.

The division between conscious and unconscious

Our brains have the ability to view things in a completely different way. In fact, we can distort a memory in our nervous system [1] to such an extent that it feels to your body as if it never happened.

Now I can almost hear you thinking, "Yeah, but that's just fake, right? It did happen, right? I can't fool myself, can I?"

That’s right. It happened, and we don’t need to distort the memory to the point where you spontaneously lose your memory and forget the facts. The point is that the emotional connection disappears. A healthy separation develops between your conscious and unconscious mind:

• Conscious (your mind): You rationally know that the event occurred. You were there, you know the facts.
• Unconscious (your body): Your unconscious (which largely controls your body) reacts as if nothing is wrong. It feels fine, calm and neutral. as if you've never been there emotionally.

When that link between the facts (conscious) and the stress response (unconscious) is broken, you are free. You can think back on what happened without your stomach contracting, your breathing skyrocketing or your sweat breaking out.

The proof is already in your own past

This may sound a bit abstract or separate, but you have already applied this process unconsciously hundreds of times in your life. Just think back critically to your own past.

When you were about four, five or six years old, you undoubtedly experienced things that were truly awful at the time. Maybe you dropped your ice cream, lost your mom in the supermarket, or fell off your bike really hard leaving your knee open. In that particular moment, it was pure trauma. Your world collapsed, you cried inconsolably and you may have suffered for weeks.

And how do you look back on that now, as an adult?

You’re probably laughing about it now. You think it’s cute, silly, or maybe even a funny story to tell at birthday parties. The facts of that event haven’t changed: you really did take a hard fall back then, and it really did hurt.

But you’ve outgrown it because, over the years, your perspective on it has completely changed. Your brain has overwritten that memory with a mature, more balanced perspective.

Neuroplasticity in action: what is reconsolidation?

In neuroscience, we call this phenomenon memory reconsolidation (memory reconsolidation). For a long time, scientists thought that once a memory was stored in the brain, it was fixed like carved text in a stone. Fortunately, we now know that the brain works much more dynamically.

You can best compare a memory in your brain to a Word document. Every time you think of a specific event, you open that document. The moment the document is open on your mental screen, it is temporarily unstable and susceptible to changes. When you stop thinking about it, your brain saves the document again (Ctrl+S), but with the changes you made at that moment.

This means that every time you think about a memory, you change the memory a little bit. We can use this biological process incredibly cleverly to train our unconscious mind (our body) to stop being bothered by the past.

The Practice: How do you train your unconscious?

So how do you activate this process of reconsolidation yourself? The method is as simple as it is effective, but it requires you to stop fighting against the content and focus entirely on the physical process.

The golden rule is: Every time you think about something that wasn't fun, consciously bring relaxation into your body.

Here is the concrete roadmap to practice it yourself:

Step 1: Activate the reminder

Briefly think about the situation that normally causes you stress, anxiety or frustration. Allow the imagery or thought for a moment. This is the opening of the "Word document. The memory is now active and therefore flexible in your neural network.

Step 2: Stop the story and focus on your body

Once the reminder is there, immediately stop analyzing the content. Don't start repeating who did what or how bad it was. Instead, shift your full attention to your physical body. Where do you feel the tension? Is it a lump in your throat, a pressure in your chest, or a knot in your stomach?

Step 3: Apply deep relaxation

While the memory plays in the background, you’ll consciously relax your body. Take deep breaths into your abdomen, consciously lower your shoulders, and relax your jaws. Try to literally ease the physical tension that arises[2].

Note: I deliberately say "try" here, because at first this can be quite challenging. After all, your biological autopilot wants to immediately shoot into stress or fight mode.

Step 4: Repeat and reprogram

By diving into the unpleasant memory while remaining physically calm, you force your brain to make a new connection. Your brain learns, "Hey, we're thinking about this situation, but the body remains perfectly calm. Apparently there is no acute danger right now."

The more often you do this, the more the neurological wiring of that event changes. When you think back to it after a while, you will find that you remain very calm and neutral about it. You simply feel calm. That is the pure, biological power of our brain and the process of reconsolidation.

Trust the process

Real, lasting transformation never happens by endlessly digging into the past and talking about the details of what went wrong. That is merely symptom control at the content level.

If you truly want to be free from old baggage, fears, or patterns, let go of the content. Don’t rely on the details of your story; instead, trust your brain’s process. Your nervous system is designed to heal and adapt. Simply give it the right input (relaxation instead of stress) the moment the old memory surfaces. Your brain will do the rest.

Helping people with this process

Hypnosis offers many other techniques that help people recall memories in a different way, without feelings of anxiety. Do you want to help people with fears? Then knowledge of hypnosis is incredibly valuable. Come to a free masterclass to get started.

Or register directly for one of our events and trainings.

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