Recognizing bad therapist: 3 red flags to run away fast

Let’s get right to the point. There are thousands of therapists, coaches, and psychologists in the Netherlands. They all have a sign on their door that says “accredited,” “certified,” or “expert by experience.”

But if you're not careful, in three years you'll still be sitting there on the couch. Talking. Talking. And talking again. Meanwhile, your bank account will have been plundered, but you'll still feel exactly the same underneath.

There are three specific things bad therapists do. Three signs by which you immediately recognize that you are dealing with someone who is not going to help you, but who is unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) keeping you trapped in your own misery. If you notice any of these three things, there is only one logical advice: pack your things and run away very quickly. Thank me later.

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Here are the three biggest red flags in therapy land.

1. They only work on cognition

The first major mistake that an enormous number of therapists make is that they fixate on the rational mind—on cognition. The idea behind this is simple, but unfortunately also completely ineffective: “If we change your thinking, your feelings will change on their own.”

Well, sorry to say, but that's simply not how the human brain works.

The harsh reality: Feeling causes thinking, not the other way around.

Let's illustrate this with a simple example. You can now, while reading this article comfortably on your phone or laptop, think of an elevator. What happens? Nothing at all. Your heart rate remains calm, your breathing is normal. Nothing is happening.

But what happens when someone with severe elevator phobia thinks about an elevator? That person immediately gets clammy hands. Breathing shoots up, panic sets in.

If the thought of the elevator was the real problem, you should be panicking right now. But you won't. Why not? Because it's not because of the thought. It's because of the underlying, unconscious program associated with the concept of elevator in that other person.

The unconscious program rules

When a therapist only wants to talk to you about your thoughts, they’re treating symptoms at the menu bar level, while the virus is actually in the operating system. You can spend a hundred years analyzing why you’re afraid or why you’re insecure, but that analysis won’t change the neurological connections in your brain.

You want a therapist who understands how the unconscious program works. Someone who understands that emotion and feeling rule over reason[1]. If, after session five, your therapist is still asking, "And what does that thought trigger in you?", you know you've fallen into cognitive circular reasoning. Time to step up.

Research also shows that some anti-anxiety therapies can actually have negative effects, for example, if the therapist does not watch the progress you make[2]. This is something that is precisely the key in the second and certainly the third session of hypnotherapy.

2. They have way too much "rapport" with you

The second red flag is a very insidious one. It feels really good at first. Your therapist is kind, listens very attentively, nods understandingly at every story, and makes you feel like you’re the most important person on earth. There’s a tremendous sense of “rapport”—a deep, emotional connection.

But beware. If you find that when your therapist goes on vacation for three weeks, you immediately go into crisis then you have a very big problem.

At that point, in fact, the therapist has not helped you. He has made you dependent[3].

• You are no longer healing, you have become addicted to weekly validation.
• You are unknowingly caught up in therapy.
• You didn't buy a therapist, you bought a friend. A paid friend.

The comparison to prostitution

Let’s just call a spade a spade, no matter how confrontational that may be. This mechanism is almost exactly like prostitution. Paid sex is fundamentally different from sex with someone who truly loves you and with whom you have an equal relationship. Why? Because there’s a transaction involved. The intimacy ends as soon as the hour is up and it’s time to pull out your wallet.

With a therapist acting as a "paid friend," it works exactly the same way. It feels warm and safe, but that security is pretense. It is a commercial construct. A good therapist is not there to be your friend. A good therapist is there to make himself superfluous as quickly as possible. If a therapist makes the therapeutic relationship more important than your personal autonomy, that's a giant red flag.

3. They don't hold you accountable

The third—and perhaps the most harmful—trait of bad therapists is that they go along with your victim mentality. They don’t hold you accountable for your own actions.

It is incredibly fashionable in therapy land these days to find an external cause for everything:

• "It's up to your father."
• "It comes through your mother."
• "It's a dynamic from your family system."
• "It's a trauma from a past life," he said.

It's really down to anything and everything except you. And the worst part is: the therapist agrees with you. "Of course you can't do anything about it all, you are so deeply hurt."

The paradox of truth

Don’t get me wrong. Of course, it may be true that terrible things happened in the past over which you had absolutely no control. If you’re three years old and your parents split up after a huge fight, or even worse things happen during your childhood... what could you, as a three-year-old child, possibly do about that? Absolutely nothing. That is the absolute truth.

But here's the dangerous ambiguity: just because you couldn't do anything about it then doesn't mean you can't do anything about it now.

If you still have the problem today, then it is now your problem. And so you get to do something about it.

The therapist who keeps reaching out to you and putting the blame outside yourself is depriving you of your deepest power.

Because what if, in ten years, your mother still hasn’t chosen to tell you that she loves you? What if your father never comes back to apologize? Will you spend the rest of your life sitting in a corner, waiting for the person who hurt you to change so that you can finally be happy? That is the ultimate powerlessness.

So what should you be looking for?

If you flip these three red flags, you know exactly what to look for in a practitioner. You want a therapist who speaks directly to you about the dynamics of the NOW. You want someone who focuses on four core values. You can recognize these in the following ways:

Self-reliance: The therapist teaches you techniques and tools so you can help yourself when things get tough, without having to call him or her right away.

Personal Responsibility: You take back control of your own emotional well-being. The past is a given; you determine your own future[4].

Resilience: You will no longer be blown away by the first setback or critical comment from another person.

Resilience: If you ever take a mental fall (and it happens to all of us), you’ll know how to get back up quickly and come out stronger than before.

A good therapist is confrontational when necessary, loving when necessary, but always focused on the goal: your freedom. They work at the level of the unconscious, quickly get rid of old programs, build a functional, temporary working relationship with you, and then kick you back out into the world to do it yourself.

Imagine this: you find a therapist who meets those criteria and flawlessly avoids these three pitfalls. Then you have a golden match on your hands. Then you're going to make strides you never thought possible in years of talking.

But are you noticing with your current therapist that it just sticks to cognitive rambling, that you've secretly created a paid friend, or that you keep cozily blaming your parents together?

Run really fast. You owe it to yourself.

Being a good therapist or coach

Do you want to become a good—or even better—therapist or coach? Then knowledge of hypnotherapy is incredibly useful, because it allows you to put these core values into practice. Come to a free masterclass to get started.

Or sign up right away for one of our events and training courses. You can take the course live online or in person at our facility in Assendelft. During the online classes, you’ll participate live alongside the class in Assendelft.

Do you have a question about the training program? Schedule a one-on-one consultation here.

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