The psychology behind victimization

Jan. 12, 2017

A while back I posted on Facebook that I used to be very good at being a victim. Everything was the fault of others and bad things always happened to me. Never because I had a hand in it, I was just a victim. Fortunately I have managed to turn this around and now I hardly ever suffer from it. If I notice that I want to put myself in the victim role, I try to turn this around immediately.

To make sure that you too are not a victim of yourself, I will discuss the psychology behind victimization in this article.

Psychology behind victimization

As you may have already seen in the introduction, the victim role means convincing yourself that you are the victim of situations around you.

Obviously things happen in your life where you are actually quite the victim, but if you take on the victim role as well you actually start to revel in the feeling of: "Look what they did to me." And then you feel very self-pity.

This may be a phase in your life, but the victim role can also be part of your identity. For example, research on children of sperm donors shows that some identify themselves as victims of the situation, while other children identify themselves as children whose parents were happy to have them ( 1).

Why be a victim?

There are several reasons why some people assume the victim role. The reason that matters most to most people is to cope with negative emotions. Sometimes, the negative situations that trigger those emotions aren’t even avoided because people who like to slip into the victim role prefer to play the victim.

Or precisely because their response to danger is freezing instead of running or fighting.

It is the way to live passively.

So you are not a necessarily a weak person if you dive into victimhood.

Yet there are also less fun reasons why some people choose to be victims, namely:

Influencing other people (for compassion).
Justifying aggressive behavior toward others (he/she is the perpetrator).
Evading responsibility (not my fault).

In doing so, there are a few characteristics that some people have in victimization that have no obvious benefit:

Attract wrong friends to convince themselves and the world of a bad status.
Many people wonder how others take advantage of your kindness.

( 2)

Victim role test

If you are not sure if you are a victim now or have accidentally put yourself in the victim role, I have a few statements for you to test that. Check for yourself if you agree with these statements:

You think aggression is okay when people deserve it.
You don’t trust anyone, and the world is a bad place—that’s why I can’t be happy.
You’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you well, and you may end up staying in that victim role.
You talk, complain, and nag others until you get your way.
You often use phrases such as: "You are the only one who can help me."
You take revenge on people who have "wronged" you.
You provoke people until they freak out, but ignore or diminish your own role in it.
You find it scary to take steps to take control of your own life.

The origins of wanting to be a victim

The origin of being a victim is often something that happens in childhood. As a child, it is quickly accepted by others that you are the victim of a situation. You are still small, you are not strong and, of course, you don't really know anything yet.

This victimization can persist into adult life where you endure things that happen to you without taking action to change the situation.

In addition, playing the victim is often a way to cope with anger. Stress and circumstances, for example, can trigger anger. This is actually a very uncomfortable emotion that people often express by briefly (and in a controlled manner) losing their temper. This is done to reduce stress or to change the situation. By seeing yourself as a victim, you don’t have to do anything, and you suppress the “outburst” or solution that you should actually be pursuing.

Stopping victim play

Ultimately, you are not helping yourself if you put yourself in the victim role. Victimization is actually the path to unhappiness and failure.

A powerful example is research conducted by Viktor Frankl on survivors of Nazi concentration camps. These are the greatest victims there are. In such a camp, all freedom was gone. The only freedom Jews, Gypsies, the disabled and homosexuals had left was the choice of how they would behave and how they would view their situation. So the freedom they still had was mainly mental( 3).

People with the highest survival rates refused to see themselves as victims. In their minds, they were concerned with escape and with the best way to survive anyway. To languish in victimhood there would literally mean languishing.

"It was the freedom to bear oneself 'this way or that,' and there was a 'this or that.'" (Frankl, 1954/1967, p. 94)

In this interview, you can see it starting at minute 12:14.

Especially now, in times of peace and complete freedom, it is incredibly easy not to be the victim, but rather to be the best you can be.

You're not trapped. You can walk into any library to learn from books, and you can learn anything you want to know on the Internet. There are countless organizations that offer a helping hand with problems. All you have to do is take action.

Tips for stopping victimization

To stop playing the victim, it’s important to first check whether you have victim-like thoughts and behaviors. Thoughts often turn into actions, which is why it’s important to first flip the mental switch; then, the behavior can change almost automatically.

Tip 1: Examine whether you suffer from self-imposed victimization

So initially, you can take the test in this blog.

Tip 2: Use mindfulness to monitor thoughts

Thoughts can push you further into your victim role mentally. Thoughts like “Why is this happening to me?” or “X should have done this” are thoughts that can reinforce your victim role. By practicing mindfulness, you can recognize these thoughts and the emotions that accompany them.

Tip 3: Change your thoughts

This is easier said than done, but if you have used mindfulness to identify thoughts that reinforce your victimization, you can start thinking in reverse. Instead of "why is this happening to me?" consciously change the thought to "what do I need to do to change the situation." Instead of "X should have done this." Can you think "I'm going to do something to fix it.".

Tip 4: Use self-hypnosis

With self-hypnosis, you can change—and, above all, reinforce— your beliefs. To overcome the “freeze” response to unpleasant events in your life, you need to change your beliefs about your ability to change the situation you’re in.

During self-hypnosis, you can repeat suggestions that reinforce these beliefs. You then relax, focus on your breathing through the abdomen, and close your eyes. Then you repeat the following suggestions aloud:

I am strong.

I can adapt to a new situation.

I can change my situation.

I have the capabilities to change the situation.

I can learn what to do to change the situation.

I am not a victim.

I respond to the situation to come out happier.

Below is an exercise in which I take you through getting into hypnosis.

Tip 5: Surround yourself with positive people

Do you have a lot of people around you who make you feel bad or who reinforce your victim mentality? Then try to find people who make you feel better and who give you tips on how to deal with a situation appropriately, rather than seeing you as a victim who can’t do anything about it.

A good friend can always offer tips on what they would do to change the situation and not encourage you to wallow in self-pity.

Tip #6: Let go of good or bad

Sometimes it just is what it is. Something is neither good nor always bad. Something is something and it makes you feel a certain way. By acknowledging those feelings rather than indicating whether a situation is good or (especially) bad, you can move forward with changing the situation. You can take action to change a negative emotion.

Tip 7: Ask for help

If you find it difficult to apply mindfulness or self-hypnosis, you can seek help from someone who teaches mindfulness classes or who teaches hypnotherapy. For example, a hypnotherapist can find out what beliefs cause you to take on a victim role and help you change them. Then you will also be given self-hypnosis homework with suggestions that apply to you.

Would you like to learn more about mental techniques to improve your life? Then check out the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands or take the free online masterclass on hypnosis.

Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:

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