Anger resolution with a live session

Recently, I helped Ed, who would sometimes react with unexplained angerand aggression and really wanted to stop that behavior. He hadn’t made much progress with a self-study program, so it was time for a live session on Instagram.

The last time he had had a tantrum was a week before our session. At his work, a flower nursery in Spain, he had been pushed aside by a woman who had seen something behind him while he was busy with a customer. This made him angry and so he had a tantrum. He then shook himself.

He literally felt sidelined by that woman. When I asked if he had that idea before, he indicated that he had had that same feeling as a child. Both at school and at home.

This was not very intentional. He had a fun childhood, but his little brother could grab the attention with his jokes. He was the "serious" older brother and thus did not have the attention.

After puberty, he first suffered from outbursts of anger. During military service, he became more independent and learned to stand up for himself. In retrospect, he may have become too good at that.

In 2005 he went to Sweden with his family, wife and three children, to start a hotel there. That did not go well and then he also broke up badly with her, which also left him out of contact with his children.

During that marriage, he also felt belittled at times. For example, when his wife, out of anger, wouldn’t speak to him for a week. Then he felt powerless. He wanted things to go well, but they ended up going in the opposite direction.

At the time, he found it difficult to accept that he could not bend things to his will. This caused him to experience frustration and anger.

At the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands, we always assume that whatever you do, you do it because you have a good intention for yourself. That's why we often ask the question what certain behavior brings to someone.

He indicated that, of course, it doesn't pay anything. Only at that moment the pent-up frustration is out, which does provide some relief. It calms you down.

That's when a little voice still says he did well. It feels like a small victory that you didn't let yourself be cheated. Ed could be proud of himself and a little bit glorious.

I indicated to him, "So that powerlessness makes you feel glorious and proud."

That one took some thought. Then I asked him if he had ever felt proud and glorious, without feeling powerless.

Of course.

I jumped right in, "So then you don't have to do that anymore. That powerless feeling."

As a child it makes perfect sense to get angry and then suddenly get attention, but when you're 57 that doesn't work conveniently anymore. Fortunately, you can look back in your life and see that you can also very well feel proud and glorious without needing that powerlessness for it. You have already learned so much that you don't really need to do it anymore.

The question is also, can you get attention without feeling powerless? It did. Because he also got attention from the client he was currently helping.

Then I suggested we teach that to his little self for a while. Because little Ed doesn't yet know that adult Ed does get attention and doesn't have to get angry to be seen.

Regression for the inner child

Research shows that for people who suffer from anger outbursts, hypnosis combined with age regression — such as working with the inner child— is effective in preventing future outbursts and, in general, reducing the impact of anger[1]. That’s reason enough to get started with this.

So we got to work on his inner child. I gave the following suggestion:

"Then you may close your eyes for a moment and you may take a moment to search for your little self. Maybe an age comes up that one time you felt like 'Yeah, I'm just not being seen, you know ... 'I'm still here too,' something like that. What age comes to mind then?"

Ed: "Well, I estimate about eight nine years or so."

Edwin: "Yes perfectly, well just imagine seeing your eight-year-old self and then you look at that little boy and you say, You did well. Thanks to you we're still here and we're seen and we're getting attention and we have a good business, just like that."

Ed reiterated.

"Then now show him all the moments when you got attention, felt proud, felt glorious, were seen without getting angry or feeling powerless. For example from such a customer, this and that, such a thing you show him ... All moments. That could be from yesterday. That could be from last week, could be from 10 years ago. It doesn't matter, just whatever comes to mind. It could be on a vacation... It could be at work... It doesn't matter, all those moments... Yes, very good, until that little boy starts to understand that he can let it go."

Ed felt that his inner child understood. Of course, that was totally awesome. Then I indicated that he could go on for a while, until the child begins to smile, because it understands that it is over.

This also succeeded. His inner child also said sorry to him. So I continued with the suggestion:

"Then you say 'it's totally okay, i forgive you”.”

This Ed repeated with a smile on his face.

I continued, "Very good ... and then you hug him and then he melts into you ... He melts into you. He is happy quite joyful. He is completely liberated. He feels seen. He gets plenty of attention. He's totally okay... and he's growing up. He turns 9. He turns 10, 11, 12, the whole adolescence, including the military service where he learns all new things, but he feels seen anyway so it's totally fine... and he grows up. He turns 25, 30, 35, all the way to now... all the way to now... and also the whole marriage... All those situations change, they get lighter and lighter. All the way up to now and you feel the contact with the chair.... And how does your body feel now while keeping your eyes closed?"

It felt a lot more relaxing and yet some internal tears. It did feel liberating for Ed.

I asked Ed to pick up the anger, saying that the more he tried, the more he would fail.

It was less so than before, according to Ed, and the longer he was involved, the more the feeling faded into the background.

The magic mirror

I went a little further with another technique to influence self-confidence, self-esteem and future behavior. Namely, the technique of the mirror.

"Then one more time I want you to close your eyes and then I want you to imagine that you see a mirror and in that mirror you see a person of value... A valuable person... A person who is beautiful both inside and out and suddenly you realize 'that person that's me'. I am that person. I am a person of value. I am a person who is beautiful, both inside and out... And then you look at that person again and you see a person there. Yes, who is just relaxed... Just relaxed when something happens... And someone accidentally gives him a push and then he thinks "Okay well fine, I don't care so much. Yeah, it can happen" such a feeling... And you look at that person, you think "gee, how relaxed that person is" and suddenly you realize "that's me. I'm that person ... hey, I'm that person. I'm just relaxed. I don't care that much at all. " You know ... "I'm being seen. I'm getting enough attention ... yeah, I don't care all that much" and now you open your eyes and then you try to pick up that old feeling again. Then you'll find the more you try, the more it fails, but try anyway."

Most of all, he felt it was an emotional journey back.

I asked what's emotional about it.

Surely that was the little kid not feeling seen, and yet he spent 50 years kicking against something that was unnecessary.

Especially when someone seeks your help later in life, these kinds of feelings can arise during hypnotherapy. In such cases, it’s helpful to shift the client’s focus toward the future. After all, you can’t change the past.

Then I commented that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago and the second best time is now. Still, I could tell he was a little annoyed with wasted time, but always remember that time is relative.

You can get very old and still live in freedom for decades. If you realize now that you have learned something and have been able to let go. Then that's already liberation.

At the end of the day, life is only now.

You don't have to go back to the inner child after hypnosis, either. Because during the session you create a new foundation for yourself and notice that your own life is about to change.

He was also allowed a moment to imagine what the problem of that woman pushing him would feel like if it happened now. He indicated that it did not bother him now. That on the contrary, he then got thoughts that that woman had a problem.

When he checked his body with that imagination, nothing happened either. By confirming this each time he created a new pattern in his brain. We were training that.

Then we also did the exercise of him imagining his current girlfriend not talking to him for a week. That, too, felt different from before. He felt calmer. He would find it annoying, but no longer so annoying that it would make him act weird.

So the brain had already changed.

It's also always good to realize that what you were doing before was a good solution to a problem at the time, but that you may do it differently now.

This was something he could do well with.

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