Sticking to the role from another stage of life
You know that? That during a family dinner you instantly reprise the role you used to have in your family, be it the quiet type, the joker or the know-it-all? That while you are actually quite different now? Being stuck in a role from another phase of life is one of the biggest reasons why Christmas dinners sometimes end in arguments. You want to break out of that role, but for some reason it goes wrong.
In this article, I address why in some moments you fall back into a role or past behavior, while in other moments you are much more yourself.
For some reason, family parties, birthdays, Christmas or St. Nicholas are times for some families to take up old roles. It seems like on each occasion it's about the same topics and you run into the same problems on each occasion.
In some cases, this stems from the role people once took on within the family and which they now find impossible to shake off. You’re almost stuck in a rut —one you’d love to sand down and start over.
To break the role, it is first important to recognize what role you have and why you find it difficult to be yourself with your family.
The origins of the role
In a family, it is common for everyone to take on a role. Often the role of father or mother is quite common, but in families with multiple children, each child may take on some kind of role.
In a healthy family, parents often have a leadership role in the beginning. The parent decides what happens and when, and the child must be docile in this, especially when they are small.
As children get older, however, they gain more control and also more awareness of their role in the family. Through the influence of other families and roles people take on, such as the studious or the athletic, that image can be held into adult life.
When you leave home, however, you can take on a new role that makes you feel sort of uncanny at birthdays. For example, that you are actually no longer the studious one and don't find sports as interesting as you once thought and you now actually enjoy tasty food.
However, your family may still call you to your "old" role and it is easy to go back into it.
Another problem children may have is that the oldest child often assumes a "parental" role. Especially if both parents are often away from home. This authority relationship can be disruptive in adult life. Especially if you don't actually want to be parental to your younger sibling(s) anymore, but inadvertently do so anyway.
Circumstances can also create a more negative role. If your parents get divorced while you are still young and then they also get a new partner you may not accept it at first. Then you are the "evil stepchild." However, this is a phase you can grow past, especially if you have already left home yourself.
Not being able to shake off the role
Recently I read that when someone saw her father again she still fell back into the role of evil stepdaughter, even though she actually had nothing against her father's new partner.
So there are multiple roles that sometimes you can't shake off. On the one hand, this can happen because your family doesn't realize you've changed or it's because you haven't processed something properly or are still unconsciously dealing with something.
Shaking off the role when it's small
Small roles, such as the sportsman, are easier to shake off than roles such as the evil stepchild or the child-parent. This is partly because of beliefs that create such roles.
So first, I'll give you a few practical tips to reduce your role in family occasions. These can also already help with the more negative roles you want to do something about.
Tip 1: Realize that you can influence the conversation
Usually in families you have some kind of ritual. With him I talk about this, with her I talk about that, and people unconsciously participate in this. You might think it's rude to talk about something else, like something that interests you, but let yourself be surprised.
For example, if the conversation turns to sports again, you can very subtly steer it toward something you enjoy by finding a connection to the topic. If, for instance, you’ve read a great book that you’d like to talk about and which features a sport, that’s a good opening to subtly steer the conversation in a different direction.
Tip 2: Use mindfulness
“Here we go again” and “I told you so” are thoughts you might have at a birthday party. You notice a certain pattern and immediately have negative thoughts. By practicing mindfulness , you can recognize these kinds of thoughts more quickly and then address your thought process more quickly as well.
Acceptance is an important part of mindfulness. In mindfulness, happiness is pursued by accepting a situation as it is, rather than wishing the situation were different. A thought such as here we go again can also cause you to fantasize about how you wish things were, and that doesn't really make anyone happy. Because not only are you then fantasizing, you are mentally no longer present. This increases the chance that you will close yourself off to your family.
Tip 3: Keep listening
This tip is an extension of the previous tip. By being mindfull, you can also be very good at starting the conversation. You might even discover that your brother or sister is also "stuck" in his role and doesn't really want to be. You can then discover each other all over again.
Communication remains important. You should never assume that someone is or thinks the same as they did when they were growing up.
Thereby, by listening carefully, you can also find quicker leads to lead conversations to your interests.
Shaking off the role when it is rooted
Beliefs are very important to the behavior you have. In the case of the angry stepdaughter, there may still be unprocessed grief that hasn't really found a place yet. Rationally, she wants to do everything right, but emotionally and unconsciously she is not yet able to do so. In that case you have to start influencing the unconscious in order to be better yourself.
Tip 4: Identify why you find it difficult to be yourself
There are many possible reasons why you find it difficult to be less angry or to stop "mothering" your younger siblings. For example, you may have anxiety about whether your new you will be accepted, or you may feel responsible for your siblings despite their mature age.
If you find it difficult to find the reasons why you find it hard to hang on to an old role, a hypnotherapist can help. In fact, hypnotherapy works on the subconscious mind and can help bring unconscious beliefs and fears to the forefront. One way to do this is with cognitive behavioral therapy or regression therapy.
Tip 5: Visualize what it's like to let go of your old role
Sometimes you need to see something clearly in front of you before you can succeed. Think of sprinters who make all kinds of weird movements with their eyes closed before the race. Then they are already totally visualizing that 100 meters.
You can also do this with your new role. You then first use self-hypnosis to relax properly. Close your eyes and visualize how you are with your family when you are yourself. What clothes are you wearing? How do you react to your family? What kind of facial expression do you have? Are you nice to your family and how do they respond?
Visualizing being yourself makes it easier to do the same in real life later.
No one is perfect
Remember that you didn't choose your family, but unlike friendship, emotional family bonds are usually unconditional. No one is perfect, and perhaps you should look at that with more distance rather than feel immediately addressed when someone starts talking about something you find totally uninteresting or disagree with.
Ultimately, you only want to have that new role yourself, but you can't change your family.
Want to learn more about how mental techniques can make your life more fun and personal? Then come to a seminar or workshop. Of course, you can also follow the training courses of the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands. Then you can also help other people to let go of the role from another stage of life.
If you have a question about our training, schedule a 1-on-1 consultation here .
Also pin this infographic as an additional reminder:
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