Self-respect: What causes you to lose it and how do you get it back?
Self-respect is something that not everyone thinks about every day. This is because self-respect has to do with your own moral sense, and if there is nothing going on in your life, there is nothing going on with your self-respect
When you have enough self-respect and can hold onto it, self-respect allows you to live a fine, meaningful and thriving life. Whereas if you cannot hold on to your self-respect or if it is very fragile you often live a bounded and frustrating life in which you do not have the opportunities to develop yourself and go for a happy life[1].
Meaning self-esteem
But what exactly is self-respect? Having self-respect means that your own opinions and feelings have value. You also have respect for yourself.
Self-respect, then, means that you value your own opinion, and this also means that you don’t readily adopt someone else’s opinion unless it’s well-reasoned. You don’t let someone else impose their opinion on you just because they’re a big bully.
Self-respect means that your feelings have value. Therefore, if someone hurts you, it means that person should apologize and stop the hurtful behavior. Otherwise, that person will disappear from your life.
Self-respect also means being respectful of yourself. You don't just let people touch you. You take good care of your body and want others to respect your bodily integrity as well.
Losing self-esteem
Self-respect is most often lost in relationships. This is called the “doorway effect.” For example, you have an argument with your partner. You forgive the person you argued with and agree to handle things differently in the future, but then this doesn’t happen. The old pattern simply continues.
This pattern of forgiveness and not adjusting behavior after an argument causes you to be able to gain less and less self-respect[2]. Forgiveness is good, but if it does not change the behavior of the person you are arguing with, forgiveness can actually be bad for your self-respect.
In addition, you may also come to regret how you used to be in the past. Perhaps you bullied other children when you were younger, and now you have little respect for the person you were back then, but you still find yourself thinking back on it with disgust for yourself[3].
A lack of self-esteem is also a symptom of borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder often base their sense of self-esteem on the opinions of others. When they receive respect from others, they interpret this as self-esteem[4].
Gain self-respect
So how do you gain more self-respect when it has been diminished by relationships or events in your life? There are several ways to improve your self-esteem, namely:
Standing up for yourself
This is a very exciting step if your self-esteem has gone away, because you are going to break the doormat pattern. Up to here and no further.
When someone hurts you for the umpteenth time or crosses your boundary you indicate that this is really the last warning and that the next time you will take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.
In your relationship, this might mean you have to end the relationship or temporarily kick your partner out of the house to send a clear message. (Or, in cases of abuse, that you actually call the police or file a formal report.)
In your work, this might mean that you do file a complaint with your manager or that you change jobs.
If you find it difficult to stand up for yourself, a hypnosis expert can help you with a guided visualization of what it looks like when you stand up for yourself. By visualizing this,
Forgiving Yourself
It is ok if you realize that you have done things wrong in the past and maybe even now. After all, you can always change your behavior and start "over" in that regard.
To do this, it is important to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself may seem very strange, but it is the way to get over your own unwanted behavior[5].
It is important, however, that you change the behaviors from which you forgive yourself so that the forgiveness has meaning. Otherwise, you become the doormat of yourself.
Taking good care of your body
Your body is the instrument with which you move through the world and interact with other people. If you don't respect your body, why should other people?
By taking good care of your body. Pampering it with masks and spa days, exercise and healthy eating will make you look better. Because you've put all that effort into your body, this also makes you more respectful of your body and automatically expect this more from those around you.
That body of yours is only for that special person to whom you gift it and no one else.
If you have trouble taking good care of your body and setting boundaries, a hypnosis expert can help you. This support can include improving your healthy eating and exercise habits, as well as learning how to handle situations where someone touches your body against your will.
Setting goals (and taking steps to achieve them)[6]
Setting goals and taking steps to achieve them can also go a long way toward building self-respect. By achieving personal goals, such as mastering certain skills, you have something to be proud of, and this also fosters self-respect.
Because you just did that. Learned that new skill.
Troubleshooting
Do you have other problems, such as a dispute at work or an argument with someone? Try to resolve these kinds of problems. By finding a solution instead of letting the problem linger, you’ll build more self-respect, because the problem will no longer weigh you down.
Regression
One very clear hypnosis technique you can use is regression. Through regression, you break the cycle that has led to low self-esteem. You do this by tracing the feeling of low self-esteem—moments when you let others walk all over you even though that wasn’t your intention—back to the very first time it happened.
You visualize all this while under hypnosis. In that first moment, you go back to it with your current knowledge. You empathize with yourself and how you could have done and also how the other person could have done.
Doing so will help you better process this moment and subsequent moments, breaking the pattern in your unconscious. This ensures that you will also show the behavior that shows self-respect more quickly.
Repeating beliefs with self-respect
Another step you can take to build more self-respect is to weaken unhelpful beliefs and replace them by repeating helpful beliefs out loud.
First, write down 3 beliefs that diminish your self-esteem. For example:
"The interest of other people is more important than my interest."
"I'm not strong enough."
"I'm not smart."
You will ridicule these beliefs. You do this, for example, by saying them in a weird way. As crazy as possible, so that it no longer means anything.
You then start repeating helpful beliefs for greater self-esteem out loud while in hypnosis. Being in hypnosis also allows you to feel this more deeply and it becomes part of your subconscious more quickly.
These can include beliefs such as:
"I matter."
"I have a voice."
"My body is mine."
Depending on your beliefs that cause you to have lowered self-esteem, a hypnosis expert can give you other suggestions to repeat out loud.
You also often get an mp3 with suggestions and visualizations to help you gain more self-respect. You can listen to these at home during self-hypnosis. To do this, find a comfortable place and relax. On the mp3 is also often an induction that brings you into hypnosis.
A lack of self-esteem often causes you to do things or have things done to you that you don't want at all. This is no fun at all and the recipe for an unhappy life. This is why it is important to work on getting more self-respect, because this will give you the key to do what you want and to develop yourself.
Hypnosis and other practical tips can help you build more self-respect. Want to know what hypnosis feels like and how it works? Then come to a hypnosis workshop. In our training courses, you’ll also learn how to help others with hypnosis. Check them out and sign up, or ask about online options if that works better for you.
Pin this handy infographic as a reminder:
Sources:
[1] https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/233719?journalCode=et
[2] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2010-07849-004
[3] https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/339140?journalCode=et
[4] Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder (1993), Marsha M. Linehan page: 160
[5] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/009164711404200303
[6] Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder (1993), Marsha M. Linehan page: 179/180