Saying Sorry: How do you do it when something blocks you?
Saying sorry, some times it is very easy, other times it is very difficult to admit that you are/were wrong and that the other person suffered because of it. Why is saying sorry so important and how do you do it properly? There are different situations in which you can say sorry and therefore in this blog I will discuss several situations, benefits and ways
The value of saying sorry
Why is it actually important to say “I’m sorry”? Saying “I’m sorry” is important because once you realize you’ve hurt someone, you can expect two types of reactions. That person will either avoid you or seek revenge. Neither reaction is helpful if you want to maintain a normal relationship with them in the future.
By apologizing, you ensure that the other person understands that you realize you’ve wronged them. This is a moment when you can be forgiven and when the relationship can return to normal.
Research also shows that parents teach their children to say sorry at times when the child violates moral boundaries, intentionally or unintentionally[1]. So sorry is also a way to indicate to the environment where your moral boundary lies.
Not being able to say sorry
Some people find it harder to say sorry. Generally, your pride and self-respect then get in the way.
There are certain factors in people that make it easy or difficult for you to say sorry.
Easier to say sorry:
- You don't worry about the victim or the relationship you have with him/her in the future.
- You value honesty and humility.
- You are an accommodating person.
- You will find yourself a careful person.
- You feel guilty.
- You have self-compassion.
- You have self-control[2].
Harder to say sorry:
A fun and unexpected observation is that when you actually feel ashamed instead of guilty you actually don't apologize, you start avoiding that person who did something to you[3].
- You see making excuses as a threat to your self-image.
- You feel that saying sorry is not going to make a difference in the relationship[4].
- You are not an accommodating person.
- You don't have self-compassion.
- You prefer to avoid negative emotions[5].
As you can see, it is very unfortunate if you find it difficult to say sorry, because by doing so you actually allow conflicts to exist instead of resolving them, especially when you know you are the person at fault.
Making saying sorry easier
If you’re not a very accommodating person, have little self-compassion, prefer to avoid negative emotions, and/or see saying “I’m sorry” as a threat to your self-image, a hypnosis expert can help you figure out why you find it difficult to say “I’m sorry.”
For example, hypnosis can help you assess to what extent it has helped you so far if you’re not an accommodating person. Hypnosis can improve your self-compassion and help you figure out why you tend to avoid negative emotions. The idea that saying “sorry” is a threat to your self-image is also quite unusual, and a hypnosis expert can help you with that.
Whether or not you do what you do all depends on the beliefs you hold about how the world works. The beliefs you hold about when an apology is appropriate and when it isn’t. If something is preventing you from saying “I’m sorry”—in any situation—regression can help you identify that block.
With regression, you go from the last time you choked up trying to say “I’m sorry”—or whatever form that block takes for you—back to the very first time you were unable to say “I’m sorry.” Then, while under hypnosis, you work through that first moment. Because this moment is unique to everyone, I can’t tell you what it is for you. For that, you really need to see a hypnotherapist. Once you’ve done that, you’ll have resolved the problem and broken the pattern of the block that prevents you from saying “I’m sorry.” This will make it much easier to say “I’m sorry” in the future or to quickly resolve current issues for which you need to apologize.
How to say sorry.
Swedish research shows that saying sorry for children (who imitate adults) has the following pattern[6].
You talk to the person you want to say sorry to and then take the next steps:
- You state what the problem is.
- You indicate the moral implications.
- You say sorry.
If you find it difficult to perform these steps, hypnosis can help you with this by visualizing the steps with you first. A hypnosis expert guides you through this ritual, so to speak, with a guided visualization. The emotions involved in such an apology moment will then also come to the surface and you will receive guidance on how to deal with them when you are going to say sorry in real life.
This can take the following form:
"You go to the person you have done something to. You keep breathing calmly and relax your muscles. You tell the person how you saw the situation, what you did and why what you did was bad. You remain calm while doing this. You say you are sorry for what you did and that it made the other person feel so bad. You stay calm and ask for forgiveness."
This is just an example of a guided visualization where you practice what you actually want to do in real life. Depending on your problem you want to say sorry for, your guided visualization can also be made more specific and address your personal situation more.
Saying sorry to your mother
Conflicts in your family are very annoying and it is important to say sorry in the right way when you have a problem in your family. This is because if you don't do this in the right way, it can make the problem worse[7].
A wrong way to say sorry is to attach a "but" to it.
"Sorry, but that's why I felt I could do it."
After all, this is how you debunk the excuse. By adding a but to it you are still defending your actions, whereas with a good sorry you are indicating that you were simply wrong and therefore your actions are not defensible.
Therefore, address especially the distress you have caused your mother and that you regret it. Leave out all the "buts" and "that's why I did that."
Still want to expand? Then tell about the moment you realized you were wrong and should never have done what you did.
Is the suffering great? Then you can include a gift, such as a bunch of flowers or something else your mother likes. If you have something to make up for, it's best to bring in the syrup brush.
Saying sorry at work
Colleagues are not always the people you choose to hang out with, but you are still around them for about 1/3rd of your day. Tensions can make work very unpleasant, which is why it is also important to be able to say sorry at work when you have done something wrong.
It can be difficult to say “I’m sorry” at work because it can make you feel vulnerable or set off a whole chain of events. If someone demands an apology, it can also feel like giving in to a bully.
If you aren’t entirely responsible for what happened, it’s certainly difficult.
When you are then implementing the steps of apologizing, it is important to describe very clearly what actions you are saying sorry for.
At work, some additional actions are required besides saying what happened, that it was wrong and then apologizing.
- You also outline how you will prevent this from happening again in the future.
- You also indicate that you want to do certain things to make things right.
You may think an e-mail is enough, but if it turns out not to be, it's still best to apologize face-to-face. Again, the strawman principle applies, so giving that person a bunch of flowers or paying for lunch can already make a big difference to your future collaboration.
If you find it difficult to say sorry at work, a hypnosis expert can explore with you whether or not this makes sense and what you can do to make it easier.
Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works and feels? Then come to a hypnosis workshop. Or sign up right away for one of our training programs. Ask about the online options if that suits you better.
[1] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13229400.2016.1176588
[2] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01973533.2018.1553715
[3] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886915000963
[4] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0963721417741709?journalCode=cdpa
[5] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886917307092
[6] http://journals.equinoxpub.com/RCSI/article/viewArticle/37387
[7] https://web.a.ebscohost.com/abstract?direct=true&profile=ehost&scope=site&authtype=crawler&jrnl=00916544&asa=Y&AN=24694167&h=DqITtiU2kcmozk4ZdXjE%2bQjJWw1Pmknd2paYaikz6w%2fLJsbD1sRkIayeQZUenMEmVvO1piXWfLXMRL2LOcSevA%3d%3d&crl=c&resultNs=AdminWebAuth&resultLocal=ErrCrlNotAuth&crlhashurl=login.aspx%3fdirect%3dtrue%26profile%3dehost%26scope%3dsite%26authtype%3dcrawler%26jrnl%3d00916544%26asa%3dY%26AN%3d24694167