People who blame others: do you belong?
The series "13 reasons why" on streaming service Netflix has evoked a lot from people and especially what is so wrong with the series. In the series, a girl commits suicide and in each episode she tells why someone was the extra drop that drove her to that decision. So the blame for her suicide is placed 13 times on someone other than herself. Then at her feeling to choose to get help instead of death.
Blaming other people is something our society increasingly suffers from. That's why in this blog I discuss people who blame others and test whether you are part of this and what you can do about it, even if you are a victim of people who blame others.
Excuse Culture
A major cause of people blaming others is a culture shift that has occurred in recent decades. A few years ago, it was in the news that law students no longer knew the law very well, but knew very well how to make excuses as to why a suspect very coincidentally was present during something criminal or had been seen at the scene of mischief.
Meanwhile, many parents also hold teachers responsible for their children's learning. Instead of looking at their own role in parenting or helping with homework, the teacher is quickly blamed.
There are even parents in the U.S. who hold smartphone manufacturers responsible for fatal accidents their children have been involved in after they gave their own child a smartphone.
When is someone guilty?
When can you really blame someone for something? Someone is guilty when they are responsible for making a mistake. In the case of a child's learning performance, there is often a disagreement about who is actually responsible for encouraging the child to do well in school. Is it the teacher or the parent?
Legally, a person is guilty if they have committed a criminal offense or are to blame for something that has happened. For example, the recent egg affair in which companies used a certain poison to get rid of blood fleas is something in which someone can be culpable in administering poison, even endangering public health.
It also looks at the context of when something happened. For example, could you have done certain actions differently or was what was done the only thing possible?
Thereby, in criminal law, there must also be intent. This is an important part of defending yourself if someone suddenly finds you to be at fault for something. For example, a student may not be motivated to do homework, but it is never the intent of a teacher to demotivate a student to do homework.
A teacher is not likely to say, "You don't need to study for that test because it doesn't interest you anyway." In that case, there may be intent to reduce a student's learning, but that is not usually the case.
Why blame other people?
Blaming others is therefore something you might do initially to deny responsibility for the problem. You can do this quite quickly and unconsciously if the mistake you’ve made doesn’t fit your self-image or if you’re guilty of something that doesn’t align with the self-image people have of you.
If you have fragile self-esteem and then don't want to be guilty of failing in school blame the test, for example, instead of the afternoons when you didn't do homework.
It can also serve as a defense mechanism to keep your self-confidence up . For example, if you’ve studied really hard for a test and still fail , that naturally undermines your belief that you know the subject matter. In that case, it’s easier to claim that the test or the lessons are flawed than to admit that you simply don’t understand the material yourself.
It's also just easier to blame other people because that means you don't have to change anything at all yourself.
Also, sometimes we cannot identify other elements that contributed to problems or mistakes. Coincidence sometimes just exists, we often generalize too quickly (that German teacher is just a Nazi) and sometimes we are not open to alternative causes.
In addition, our beliefs about how much control we have over a given situation also play a role. For example, parents may blame the teacher because they both work and therefore have little time to motivate their child themselves. That they also have the choice to work one day less and spend that time doing homework with their child is a choice they often don't see, because less money is in their pocket.
Always to blame
If you are the victim of someone who is always blaming you for something that you just really aren't responsible for and don't do on purpose, you can do the following.
First, consider what you yourself did in the situation and whether you are guilty of something. Was something really your responsibility?
If they didn't, you can take the next steps:
- Distance yourself from the accusation. What he/she says is his/her problem and not yours.
- Be aware that if someone chronically accuses you of things they must for some reason see you as the bad guy. Own problems are then often projected onto you.
- You don't have to convince the other person that you are innocent to be innocent.
- Instead, tell your truth and how you see the situation. With that, he/she can do it.
- Also ask yourself if you can continue to see yourself as you are instead of seeing yourself as the person blaming you sees you.
Stop blaming other people
Because chronically blaming others can cost you your social relationships, it’s important to stop blaming other people for your own mistakes or problems. Before you know it, even the weather will be to blame for your misfortunes, and you’ll truly turn into a victim.
Check your beliefs about control
Therefore, first check what beliefs you have about controlling your life. Do you believe you can control much of what happens to you or is it all down to coincidences and being in the right place at the right time?
If you are struggling to figure out your beliefs, a hypnotherapist can help you figure out those beliefs.
In addition, you can use self-hypnosis to change these beliefs and actually take action to be more in control.
Self-hypnosis with hypnotic suggestions
One of the first things you can do to change your beliefs is to repeat hypnotic suggestions that precisely reinforce beliefs about more control, such as:
I'm in charge of my life.
With proper preparation, I have more control.
Every day I choose where to go and what to do.
Even if I don't choose, I choose not to choose.
These are just general suggestions. A hypnotherapist can help you with suggestions that apply to your beliefs about control.
Visualization of control
In addition, you can also visualize control over your life. For example, the Netherlands is a rainy country and therefore you may sometimes be caught off guard by a shower. By checking rainfall radar before you leave the house and taking a small umbrella with you, you already have more control over whether you get wet or not.
You can also visualize these types of actions. A visualization increases the likelihood that you will actually carry out behaviors in which you take control of your life.
Write down a roadmap when you undertake something new/ have a goal
Another way to motivate yourself to execute control is to write down a roadmap when you have a new goal so you don't get overwhelmed by unforeseen things, although of course that chance is never completely gone.
By writing down everything you need to do to achieve a goal, you’ll have a clearer idea of where you stand.
To make this roadmap even more powerful, you can visualize each step before performing it.
Start with small intermediate goals
If your goal is to become a millionaire, that is sometimes a somewhat confusing path to take if you don't have a job yet, for example. You can then have intermediate goals such as:
- Writing a cover letter.
- Finding a job.
- Increasing my knowledge for a better position.
- Etc etc.
Take the extra step for more control in your daily life
Even the intermediate goals can sometimes still not give a real sense of control in daily life. By having a daily intention, such as being productive or happy, you can ask yourself with every action you take whether it will help you achieve your intention for the day.
By executing small steps like these you will find that you have more control over your life, and the more often you do this the greater the area of control becomes.
Would you like to learn more about mental techniques to gain more control over your life? Then come to a workshop and check out the training programs offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.
Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:
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