Overcoming shame and letting go
Everyone has done something in their life that they are less proud of. Whether this is a mistake you are ashamed of, or something you are actually guilty of. That you carried out an entire plan to steal something or make someone else's life miserable. When you realize that what you did was wrong you can feel ashamed of it. There is nothing wrong with that in itself, but if it prevents you from moving forward in life yourself and keeps thinking back on what you have done it can infringe on your life. With all the dangers that entails.
Therefore, in this article I will discuss feelings of guilt and shame and whether and what you can do about them.
Shame
"I am deeply ashamed" is a statement you can utter when you suffer from embarrassment. For example, if you are late for an appointment, you may feel ashamed of that. It is a signal to yourself about yourself ( 1).
This feeling is an indication that you yourself feel you haven’t done something right. You’ve acted inappropriately. You haven’t done something properly. You’ve done something dishonorable, and you regret it ( 2).
Shame is often confused with guilt, but these are not the same emotions. While you may still want to acknowledge your guilt about something, shame is something you usually don’t want to talk about. This tendency to remain silent about one emotion while talking about the other already shows that they are different feelings.
With shame, you often want to hide the fact that you have not done or are not doing something (in your own opinion) right.
Unfortunately, shame can also be caused by things that aren’t your fault at all, such as sexual abuse or another trauma you ’d rather not talk about . This is very unfortunate, because shame that isn’t your fault can have incredibly negative consequences.
Shame and guilt can also go hand in hand, such as through addiction or drunk driving. Feelings of shame about the addiction can perpetuate the addiction again. This is very detrimental to your health, environment and future happiness in life.
Disadvantages of shame
Shame can cause you to adjust your behavior in a negative way. If a woman who identifies herself as attractive and slim gains weight, that identity no longer holds true. As a result, the woman may feel ashamed of her body. She no longer finds her body beautiful and expects people on the street to judge her for her new body as well.
That's why she stays in. Shame in this way can lead to isolation ( 3). This is very unfortunate, because if, for example, she has gained weight due to an illness, emotional problems (such as coping with grief due to death) or because her body has nurtured and cared for a child into a baby, no one will judge her for being outside. Certainly not her friends.
Anyway, people walking down the street usually cannot generate enough interest in other persons on the street to make negative comments about the other person.
Because of that isolation and distorted self-image, you may also suffer from low self-confidence due to shame. For example, if you pride yourself on being super intelligent while in school and you happen to get a failing grade—or even a grade lower than a 7—you might feel ashamed of it. This is a real shame, because everyone has moments when things don’t go so well and moments when mistakes are made.
Once behavior and identity beliefs don't match up, that's no reason at all to be ashamed.
In some cases, this can also cause destructive behavior. For example, to hide shame, you can point out other people's shortcomings. In this way, an attempt is made to induce the feeling of shame in the other person so that you no longer have to have it yourself.
Eventually, this can result in isolation because everyone else no longer wants to deal with you. This is actually worse than self-selected isolation and can lead to a feeling that everyone is against you, because then they are.
In addition, shame more readily leads to aggressive feelings, such as anger, suspecting others of doing bad things, and holding a grudge ( 4). You’re also more likely to blame others for things that happen to you. Furthermore, you’re more likely to send indirect signals of hostility, but not direct ones.
This kind of behavior can cause isolation.
When it comes to physical health, shame is also unhealthy. In fact, research shows that when shame is induced it releases stress hormones in your body ( 5).
Long-term stress can lead to depression and high blood pressure.
Excessive and unnecessary shame, therefore, has all kinds of negative effects on self-confidence, your social life, and even your physical health; it can even lead to eating disorders and other social anxieties. ( 6)
Benefits of Shame
The benefit of shame is that you want to avoid this feeling. For example, a healthy dose of shame ensures that you arrive at appointments on time, don't fart in the elevator and behave in a restaurant.
Overcoming Shame
Precisely because of all the drawbacks and only a handful of benefits, it is important to overcome shame. There are several ways to overcome shame, namely:
Increasing self-compassion
Research shows that treatment focused on self-compassion can reduce feelings of shame. This study was conducted among women suffering from anorexia, a disorder in which shame about having a “fat” body plays a major role. By reducing shame and fostering greater self-compassion among the study participants, they ate better and experienced fewer anorexia-related symptoms. This effect was already evident within three months (6).
In addition, increasing self-compassion has also been studied in people who have experienced sexual trauma and are ashamed of it. A case study showed that providing self-compassion in mind reinforces the results of cognitive behavioral therapy for reducing shame and to suffer less from the trauma ( 7).
You can increase self-compassion through mindfulness and meditation techniques.
Increasing self-confidence
Especially when it comes to social anxieties caused by shame—such as not wanting to speak in front of a group—building your self-confidence can be the key to overcoming shame. In fact, shame is often a symptom of low self-confidence.
To increase self-confidence, you can use hypnosis and self-hypnosis. In hypnotherapy, you will first work with the hypnotherapist to explore why self-confidence is low.
You’ll then receive suggestions to boost your self-confidence and homework to practice this through self-hypnosis. For example, you can receive visualizations to increase feelings of self-confidence, as well as post-hypnotic suggestions to boost your self-confidence in specific situations.
It is also possible to increase your self-confidence with mindfulness and meditation.
It is also important to figure out your beliefs about self-esteem and self-confidence.
Changing erroneous beliefs
A belief that it is rude to fart in a crowded elevator is a belief that helps you feel embarrassed when you do. This is also a normal belief.
However, if you have a belief that is just totally false and yet affects your behavior in a way that prevents you from living a normal life, it is important to figure it out and change it.
For example, you can change a belief by pointing out that the belief is wrong or by giving it a new belief in its place. The beauty of hypnosis is that during hypnosis you are more willing to change your beliefs than when you are not under hypnosis.
As a result, hypnotherapy can help change the erroneous beliefs that cause shame to normal beliefs that allow you to live a normal life again.
Letting go/accepting
Sometimes something has happened in your life that you’re ashamed of, such as using drugs, driving under the influence, or other behavior that you keep thinking about.
Research shows that mindfulness helps people accept past behaviors and let go of them. This can improve treatment for conditions such as past addictions ( 8).
Mindfulness focuses on accepting the situation as it is and thus letting go of what you can't change (anymore). Precisely because of that, you can focus on what you can change which improves addiction treatment.
Shame is a feeling that may not seem so bad at first, but which can have a very destructive effect in some people and due to some causes. It can cause anxiety, depression, addictions and aggressive behavior. This is precisely why it is so important to overcome unnecessary shame.
Through hypnosis, mindfulness and meditation, it is possible to overcome shame.
Would you like to learn more about mental techniques to improve your life? Then come to a seminar or check out the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-choice/201510/5-factors-make-you-feel-shame
http://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-the-quintessential-emotion/
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/62/4/669/
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/eat.22196/full
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1471015316300976
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/ccp/80/1/43/