Older mom and older dad: No problem
In all developed countries, there is a trend that people are increasingly aging at older ages. So you have more older mothers and older fathers. As in the Netherlands, for example, you see men becoming older fathers more often. In the last 10 years, this number has doubled in percentage terms[1]. But is this a bad development?
It doesn't have to be that way, whether it's good? Again, that's the question, but you can be neutral about it
In fact, older parents have calmer children. This is evident from Dutch research[2]. Young parents have relatively more children with behavioral problems than older parents. This would be because older parents offer children more structure and would be more sensitive to their children's needs.
What they didn't include is that, in my opinion, older parents suffer less stress. They've already had it all. When you're young, 20-30, you have ambitions. You're often at a very ambitious stage in your life then. You want to do certain work, you want to achieve something, and it's all busy, busy, busy. Then those kids get busy, too.
If you're 35, many people have had that period. You're a little older, you're calmer, and you can handle things better. When you are 45, things that used to stress you are much less important. They don't fascinate you as much or stress you anymore.
So you pass all that on to your children.
The worst stress is often off when you are older, of course there are exceptions to the rule.
Less stress as an elderly mother and father
Ask yourself this: If you feel relaxed, your children won’t experience stress either. Do you suffer from outbursts of anger and try to numb them with alcohol? What do you think your child will do then?
That one also gets tantrums, but it's hard to numb his temper with alcohol or lemonade. What will that one do later? Most probably drink alcohol.
What you pass on goes pretty far, because they emulate you.
Were you bullied in the past and haven’t yet come to terms with it? Then your child is likely being bullied as well.
Do you fall for wrong men or wrong women? Then your child is probably going for a wrong partner, too.
Are you feeling insecure and haven’t resolved that insecurity yet? Are you a people-pleaser? Are you scared, anxious, or prone to panic? Your child might start acting this way too.
Why? Because imitating you or doing you is how they learn. They adopt "everything."
Copying Children
I watched a program where kids who were 8 or 9 years old had to do all kinds of things and were allowed to decide this for themselves. You saw that those kids were just exactly the same as those parents. The parents on that show didn't see that. The therapist who was on it who might have seen it, but he doesn't go into it.
Then that therapist goes on to explain what such a child is doing and what he "means" to say. This kind of show makes me sick.
The child is 8, who means nothing at all. And how do you know that? What kind of suggestions are you giving those parents? That such a child has some kind of double agenda? Who is just imitating his father or mother.
My Experience
I see it with my boys, too. I also see it as an opportunity to pass on what you want to your child. After all, it’s not your fault—it’s not your responsibility. Your child is simply imitating you; they’re just doing the same thing. And sometimes your child might look to the other parent instead or create a sort of blend.
You may find this bad and annoying, but you can do something about it.
You can resolve any issues you have yourself, so your child isn’t affected by them and doesn’t end up doing the same.
Now you may not believe this, but then you are shifting everything onto your child. Your child just happens to be stressed. Your child is just a temper tantrum. No, you are and you are passing it on.
Also claim the positives
Who else should he learn it from?
Of course, he doesn't just imitate the bad things. He also does the good things your child does because of you. You can claim that.
That he is polite, that he is very sweet, that he hugs his sister, that is all your "fault" too.
Why do you do what you do?
Of course, there are all kinds of explanations for why you do what you do. Maybe you had a difficult childhood. Maybe you went through something traumatic. Of course, there’s nothing you can do about that.
What you can do is how you do now and start doing things differently now. This is not necessarily easy. But if you take ownership of what you are doing, that is super courageous and good.
Self-reflection to become a better parent
What you can do is think first:
"Everything that I see about my kids, that I think is a problem, I haven't solved that yet."
From this framework, you start thinking. This may be hard to assume, but take it.
For example, if I see that my son is slacking off (being lax) in school, as I used to, I have to resolve that within myself. So I have to make it important that I had done that differently in the past, that I had tried my best.
How to do it.
There are many different ways to do this. The most important thing is to first become aware. For example, when you think about your high school, how does it feel? If you're thinking "gad darn," now, it's not surprising that your child feels that way either.
So you need to solve that feeling.
You can do this, for example, by making new associations with high school. Just until you think, "Yes, high school is actually fun."
Once you’ve changed this mindset, whatever you try next to motivate your child to engage more with school will be much more effective.
What you say and what you feel then match, making your power of persuasion much greater. You then mean what you say.
When you say "I didn't like it before, but you have to do it," that may come across as a bit separate to your adolescent. If you care, it is important to match your feelings and what you say.
Don't care? Then, of course, you don't have to do anything. Then you don't have to chase him for homework either.
Why do you think something is important?
But do you care? Then it's important to ask yourself why you think it's important. Is this for the outside world? Is this because you want to be a good parent, while deep down you don't care? Or are you regretting what you didn't do right in the past? That you might have had other opportunities if you had tried your best.
Then change the way you feel about school. After all, communication goes on so many levels. It is what you say, how you say it, how you stand and what you think about it. This is transmitted very subtly in your body posture, in your facial expression and in your energy.
Those kids are you. I can't repeat that often enough.
That’s why how you act is an opportunity for you as a parent. If you resolve as many issues within yourself as possible, you won’t pass on those negative patterns.
After all, my school stopped after I dropped out of high school, but I, for one, would like my boys to continue learning. After all, work can always be done. I used to think very differently about that than I do now.
So I changed that so that now when I think about high school I feel good about it. That I think, "Yeah, that was actually pretty fun and I could have gone on to college."
This helps so that when I want to motivate my boys to continue studying there is not some undercurrent or unconscious undertone to it.
Also listen to this podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/1959508-oudere-ouders-hebben-rustiger-kinderen?play=true
Researchers also indicate that older parents are more likely to have had more time to reflect on their youth[3], such as with the tips in this article. This may also explain the calmer children.
You can put the tips I just explained into practice through self-hypnosis or with the help of a hypnotherapist. Want to learn more about how hypnosis works? Then join the free online masterclass on hypnosis.
Or enroll directly in one of our training or online courses.
Sources:
[1] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14647273.2017.1279352
[2] https://www.uu.nl/nieuws/later-ouderschap-mogelijk-gunstig-effect-op-gedrag-kind
[3] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-07325-001