My child is so special syndrome

"Yes our children are so special, they are so good, it's incredible. Our kids are going to change the world. They have to get really good education, because these little persons are unique." Some time ago on the terrace I heard people talking about their children. One said, "My son is so spiritual and artistic. Oh and so is my daughter, and also very sensitive."

The superlatives fall short, so to speak. That you feel like they were sitting around talking about the new Leonardo Da Vinci or Buddha. It was just insane, there was next level talk about these kids. Except that the kid couldn't even drink his apple juice normally, of course it was genius.

The match of parents

Many parents get caught up in this mindset. They go to the school and insist that the teacher should treat their child differently because he or she is so special. The child has all sorts of shortcomings or, conversely, talents. “My child has a sky-high IQ; he’s gifted.” That sort of thing. You could say that, to a parent, a child is always special. That doesn’t apply to every parent, of course, but you get the idea. I think to myself: “Okay, what about you? Aren’t you special anymore?” So we’re not going to talk about you anymore, because you’ve projected your ego onto your child. All the qualities you think you lack, you’re now projecting onto the child, and the child is then expected to live up to those expectations.

In your life it's all failed, or maybe it's going okay, but now you have the chance to create the new Messi, Einstein or Elon Musk. That's your hope. You might be hoping for an artist, a great musician or a writer, but 99.9% of the time, it's the same. It doesn't get much better. That's a disappointment to some people, but it can also give a lot of peace of mind. You can also think, "They have their own lives," instead of projecting your life - which you may think is a failure - onto your children.

You now have a chance to transform all those feelings and expectations so that you don’t pass them on to your children. You’re probably not even aware that you’re doing this, but you’re projecting all your expectations onto your children. The thing is: this will most likely fail. In the worst-case scenario, you’ll be very disappointed. Your child will do exactly what you always hoped would never happen. Then that Leonardo da Vinci turns out to be some kind of womanizer, or that Einstein becomes a junkie. Of course, nobody wants these scenarios. Then suddenly your whole world falls apart. However, these scenarios can often happen when you start projecting.

Releasing your projection

Everything you project onto your children is false. Basically, you can never get it right because you don't even know what is right. So you can let go of those projections right away. The more you can let it go - in the sense of, "My children have their own lives" - the more likely it is that the positive will happen. The scenario that you might have in your head, or that you would love if it happened, paradoxically, happens sooner. There is a greater probability that it still won't happen, but you no longer care. You let it go. 'It would be nice if something happens,' is very different from, 'this must happen.'

“As long as my children are happy.” Even that is a projection. Your children should be the ones to decide for themselves whether they’re happy…Maybe they’ll end up depressed. Of course, you wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but then again, the tough things in life can also turn out to be a gift in hindsight. Letting your children fall flat on their faces, or let them bump into a door, can sometimes be more valuable than constantly shielding them.

If you still want to make a difference for your children, start by working on yourself. Let go of those expectations and the results you’d like to see. Resolve your own unconscious traumas so that you no longer pass them on to your children. Resolve it completely, make peace with it, and try to forgive as much as possible . Forgive yourself and forgive others, so that you are as pure as possible. This way, you’re no longer a conduit, but become a mirror that simply reflects. You’ll then be completely “nothing”—in the positive sense that there’s nothing to take and nothing to pass on. That’s difficult, because in principle you’re always passing something on; there’s no escaping it.

Solve your own problems first

If there’s something you want to pursue, go for it. Then think: “My children are young now, and I want them to be able to lead their own lives. I want them to be able to do the things I didn’t dare or couldn’t do.” Then figure out what has been holding you back from doing it, and resolve it completely. Clear it up within yourself—that’s important. When it no longer affects you, you’ll know it’s been resolved. For example, does a trauma from 20 years ago keep resurfacing? Do you still lose sleep at night because of an event? Or do you blame other people for your trauma? Then you know there’s something you still need to resolve. If you don’t, you might pass it on to your children.

I don't think it's helpful to start reliving all kinds of events emotionally. Take May 4 and 5 as an example, which makes us relive every year. We really won't forget this event because we learn it in school, among other things. But do you really want to give it such an emotional charge every time? I think if you allow such trauma to exist, that trauma will again seek out, welcome and perhaps create new "wars. I advocate a trauma-free society, but well that too is a utopia.

You can, of course, do this for yourself so that a trauma in your generation is resolved. You will find that you can then also release expectations much more easily. Suddenly you then have - paradoxically - a greater chance that the things you hoped would happen will actually happen after all.

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