Today we are going to talk about something that a lot of people waste their entire lives on: insight.
You know the drill. You've been messing around for years with your self-confidence, your relationships or that perpetual restlessness in your body. So what do you do? You go into therapy. You start digging. You go back to your childhood, to your system, to that one afternoon in the sandbox where it "all started." And after three years and a good chunk of money, you have it: the insight.
"Ohhh, so that's why I act like this! It's because of the disturbed dynamic with my mother!"
Congratulations. You have an insight. But do you feel better now? No. You probably only feel worse. And in this article I'm going to explain to you exactly why insights usually don't change a thing and what needs to happen in order to be truly free.
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The Insight Trap: Why knowing is not the same as curing
Let's face it: we are addicted to "knowing why." We think that once we find the source of the leak, the water will automatically stop flowing. But that's not how your brain works.
Imagine, you find out that your current problem (say, your commitment anxiety) stems from a whole disturbed family dynamic. You now know exactly which little wheels have gone wrong. You know that your father was never there and that your mother dumped her emotional baggage on you.
What's next?
Now you're sitting there with that insight[1]. Are you now suddenly a star in relationships? No. In fact, you've added a problem. Because every time you look at your family now, you think, "Fuck you, because of you guys I'm stuck with this shit now."
You've found a scapegoat, but you're still carrying that same heavy backpack. The insight has only given you a reason to be angry, to stay away, or to feel even more victimized.
Many therapies are based entirely on this principle: digging for insights. But let me tell you: often it only makes things worse. You dig a pit, you sit in it, and you conclude that it's dark there[2]. Yes, duh!
"My father was the bogeyman"
I see it happen often in family constellations. People do a wonderful constellation and come to the conclusion, "My father stood way too far away. He didn't even look at me. He was never there for me."
- The insight: "My father is the reason I feel this way."
- The feeling: A brief sigh of relief ("I finally know!"), followed by deep frustration.
For now, do you even feel like having a cup of coffee with the guy? Probably not. You've put up a wall of "understandable" reproach. You've created an additional problem. And let's face it: deep down, you knew all along that it had something to do with your father. You didn't need those three years of therapy to suspect that. So what good does it do you?
Insight without action is worthless
Insight is nice for your ego, but your nervous system doesn't care. Insight gains value only when some form of action follows[3].
If you think, "It has to do with my father," and you pick up the phone, you go to him and you talk it out.... then something happens. But then, what if the man has already died? Then you can hardly hold a séance (unless you believe in it, but even then it won't do you much good).
In the end, after all, it always comes back to one person: yourself. The answer lies here, within you. Not in someone else's actions, but in how you have stored those actions in your own system.
The chain reaction of misery
Let's look hypothetically for a moment. Suppose your father ran away when you were little. You felt rejected. Insight: "I feel bad because my father walked away."
But wait a minute. Why did he walk away? Maybe it was because of the way your mother was acting toward him at the time. Or maybe it was because of the upbringing your father received from his own father. And that grandfather of yours? That probably had another story, too .
They are all consequences. Your insight is just a snapshot in a chain reaction that has been going on for generations. So when you say "it's because of my father," you still don't really have a clue. You are looking at one domino when hundreds have already fallen over.
The magic word: Understanding
If insight is not the solution, what is? There is a word far more powerful than insight. It is the magic word for real change: Understanding.
Understanding is, "I can see that he walked away and that's why I feel this way." Understanding is something completely different. Understanding is what I call forgiving the master.
Why forgiving often doesn't work
In the therapy world, we talk a lot about forgiveness. "I forgive you to set myself free." That sounds very spiritual and noble, but it still implies that the other person has done something wrong. You stand on a moral elevation, so to speak, and say, "You were an asshole, but I am such a good person that I forgive you."
It maintains separation. It maintains judgment.
The power of true understanding
True understanding goes a step further. It is the realization that nothing has gone wrong. There have only been consequences. People do what they do based on their own story, their own pain and their own limitations.
When you truly understand your father or mother, you not only accept their behavior, you can even smile about it. Not from a sense of superiority, but from the realization, "You didn't know any better either."
And here comes the bouncer, the most painful but liberating realization you can have:
Truly understanding means understanding that YOU would have done the exact same thing if you had been that other person, with the exact same background, genes and circumstances.
Boom. That one's coming in, isn't it?
This is painful for the ego, because we like to think of ourselves as better than that "wrong" parent or that "bad" ex. But the moment you recognize that they were also just a product of their environment, the judgment falls away. And when the judgment falls away, you are free.
So how do you change?
Insight is just the starting point. It is the signpost that says, "Look over there." But you're not there yet when you look at the signpost. Change happens when you walk the path of understanding.
- Stop digging for the "why" as an end in itself. It doesn't matter why the faucet is leaking; what matters is that you learn how to turn it off.
- See the person behind the "offender. See their story. See their pain. See that they too were just messing around.
- Realize that everyone is just doing something. So are you. We are all doing our best with the limited resources we have at the time.
When you understand, the change is complete. You then no longer have to work hard to "forgive" or "let go." It lets go of you. The charge disappears. The emotional chain is broken.
Understanding is the beginning, but understanding is the finish line. Only when you reach that point are you truly free.
Did you find this an interesting article? If so, please leave a comment, give it a thumbs up or share it with someone who is also stuck in their own insights. And don't forget to subscribe to my channel or podcast so you'll be sharp next time.
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With hypnosis, there are also techniques that help you empathize with the other person, so you can gain more understanding on the situation and your problems and let go of the cause of your problems, or see them as consequences.
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