I'm not good enough: Inspiration from a live session

Not feeling good enough, many people suffer from this feeling. So did Astrid whom I helped with a session via Instagram. If you suffer from this feeling, read on. The suggestions that helped her may be relevant to you as well.

She suffered a lot from negative thoughts and feelings. Then when something happened she was triggered. She herself thought this was due to trauma. She tried to resolve this herself with the inner child, but she couldn't.

Astrid, in particular, felt she wasn’t good enough and felt rejected. The last time she felt that way was actually the day before our session. This is a clear sign of low self-confidence, and fortunately, hypnotherapy is one of the best ways to improve your self-image[1], so that you can regain confidence in yourself and allow yourself to feel loved.

Even if people suffer from depression—which, incidentally, wasn’t the case with Astrid—hypnosis helps improve self-compassion and relieve depressive symptoms[2]. In this blog, you’ll read how I helped Astrid overcome her feeling of “I’m not good enough.”

We all often fill in something we think people think about us. Astrid, at least then, did not fill in that those people thought "Wow, they must think I'm awesome," in fact, that filling in was completely negative. She would like that.

My son has since childhood. The feeling of "people are lucky to have me". Astrid wishes she could think like that, too. Even though it's almost arrogance, but it's actually quite nice too.

Because there is no one before you or after you who is just like you. You are something unique. Regarding that uniqueness—and the fact that you can’t really assign value to yourself or others—I offered the following suggestion:

"I mean, I see you now and I've never seen anyone like that before. That's kind of unique, right? ... And that's actually true about everybody, so, right? We know that. But sometimes you think, "Yeah," ... and then we start comparing with people. I think, "Yeah, how can you compare to something that doesn't exist? Because nobody exists like you ... Look, imagine that there is exactly the same clone, really exactly the same, and it's doing really great ... Yes, thanks to it we can say, "Yes, not good enough." And look at the clone, but yeah, it's not there ... So yes, then we start comparing with Bep or Harry. Those people can do it all better ... I think in terms of skills it could be.... There are plenty of people who can do things better than me. Plenty ... I can't do everything either ... not by a long shot ... But nobody is better than me ... in that respect on the level of identity ... Yeah, but basically we're all equal ... But people can do a lot of things better than me ... With that, though, those are different and those are all ... Those are different feelings."

Rationally speaking, she understood this. She could also list things she was very good at, such as caring for others and giving energy treatments. Even though she could list these with genuine conviction , she still had that feeling that she wasn’t good enough.

Improve self-esteem

In the process, she also tangled up with taking care of others a lot, but then not taking good care of herself again. "I have a lot of love for everyone but myself." Says Astrid.

I asked her why. She didn't know. She only knew that she was not allowed to enjoy herself.

Then I said, "So you look in the mirror and you don't think, 'Wow, how lucky is this mirror that I'm looking in it' She didn't have that, and I have to say, most people don't."

I have it now, but I didn’t used to. This is actually about self-esteem, and I had the following suggestion regarding that:

"You can also call that a skill: just looking and thinking, "Well, what do I like about myself?" Well, at first one... And at some point, "Yeah, I actually care about that, hm.... Yeah, I like that too." Then you start looking at yourself differently, actually ... You actually see yourself and your reflection. Suddenly you start to appreciate them. That's where it starts, isn't it? Yes, you have to start somewhere to appreciate yourself. Yes, someone else isn't going to do it, at least not necessarily ... and you hope so. But yes ... then we can't expect it. Yes, we can hope for it."

The cause of the problem

Then I asked her where this concern had started, because she had already hinted at her childhood. She came from a troubled family with health problems so she was always caring. She still does this, but as she gets older it comes at a cost.

This makes sense. She used to have to, but it's a problem now. Worry used to be a solution, even for a six-year-old child, but now it's a problem.

She also mentioned that perfectionism wasn’t helpful either—it was something she struggled with a bit. After all, in a perfect world, a six-year-old wouldn’t have to worry, but we live in an imperfect world.

So I asked her if she knew any perfect people. No, she didn't know any. I myself, of course, shed close to it 😉 But even I am not perfect.

She laughed at that, thankfully.

And that's fine, because you're always learning and that includes making mistakes.

So caring is something, but what does caring get her?

Astrid thought the thought that she would then be found good enough. Surely that would bring an endorsement and that in turn would make her feel good enough and matter. That would make her feel good.

This good feeling she could describe as mattering.

She did indicate that she knows she shouldn't look for it outside herself, but that this hasn't worked for her (yet).

I made the following suggestion regarding this :

"We all do that, don't we? We all do things to obtain something or avoid something. Yes, or we numb something ...That's why we do things. Or we want to obtain something from someone ... Or approval.... All of us have a little bit of that in us ... Some more than others, that's also true. But I do it too ... Yes, I also do things for people ... and then I like it too, you know, when I say at home, "Just, thank you" or "Nice of you to do that," or ...You know, like that, right? And we all do that.

Yes, and my wife also likes it when I bring a flower, or play a game with her.... To feel seen and heard, you know? Yes, that remains true anyway. Look, I can also say, "Yes, hello, um.... seen and heard? Just look in the mirror and talk to yourself for a moment." Well, then it becomes a very short relationship, I estimate ... So yes, it's why we do it a little bit anyway. Only, that is we might say "normal."

Then again, if that's the only way, it gets a little problematic, doesn't it? So worrying is the only way for me to get approval.... Yes, then it becomes problematic ... Yes, not at first, but at some point you think, "Caring, you think, actually it's okay for someone to care for me for once." That's nice, too. But yes, if the some program (in your brain) thinks: yes, but then I won't be approved?, that might even feel uncomfortable."

Using Paradox

Astrid totally recognized this. That receiving care still felt strange. This was also a signal to me that she was reasonably in hypnosis, and thus would be able to quickly answer questions that are more difficult for many people to answer without hypnosis. So now I could work with more than logic, but also nice other techniques, like the paradox.

Then I asked her, what's worse than not being good enough? She immediately gave the answer." Being rejected, that's a very big fear on my mind".

Then I gave her the suggestion, "Did you know that being rejected makes you feel good and makes you feel like you matter?

Surely she could say yes to this with a smile.

Good feeling recall

Then I asked her if there was a time in her life when she felt good, without feeling rejected. There weren't many, but with a few of those events you can work well as a hypnotherapist. So even with "not that many," you have tools you can use as a therapist.

The point is that they just felt good or at least neutral. Like when you walk somewhere and it's just right.

On this, I gave the following suggestion:

"That's funny, because then you've actually already learned. Because then you already know somewhere how to feel good without feeling rejected. Going into a supermarket, you don't feel anything. Then you actually already just feel nothing. ... Sure, that can be triggered again suddenly, that by some offer that is not there you think, "I see you," it can be anything of course, lol. So um... get it? It's then walking, but a moment after that a: "Yeah, okay." And either you have a chat with someone or you see something driving by. "Oh, funny!"

So then you already have things. See, and of course that's completely different. If that six-year-old girl - boom - who couldn't do anything else. Who couldn't help but do that. You think, "Then you do your best." Well, you did, only now you don't have to."

Then I asked her if her parents were still alive; they weren't. Then I said maybe it's time for that fear to pass away along with the parents. Because that was the situation, but if they are no longer there anyway. Then you might as well feel all right.

This is often easier said than done.

Because if your father was annoying, for example, or threatening, that voice of his can still stay inside you. That voice that says you can't do something, like some kind of uninvited guest. While that one may actually leave.

I asked her if we would do that sometime. She wanted to.

Then I mentioned that when you walk somewhere that you can just feel good or neutral, as I mentioned earlier, and that this is because you are distracted. With thinking away than those voices is exactly the same.

She understood this, but she kept feeling triggered into a sense of rejection. I asked her why she thought that was. Astrid herself thought it was because she had gone through many traumatic experiences that she hadn’t processed.

On this, I gave the following suggestion:

"Yes, they can. But look, you see that with people: it can also be a story that repeats itself all the time, and it's long processed. That's also possible. Like 'Dad,' it's gone, for example. Dad was always the one who, for example, provided threat. I mean, what if dad is long gone? Dad is gone, there once went away. Yes, but dad is still all over me. Yes, but that's gone. Basically, it's long gone. So why are you still going to tell that story?....

Yes, because that does something in that system anyway. Or "mom" is in that system. It (system) somewhere still thinks it is.... But actually, when we look around us, there is actually nothing going on ... And we know it, and yet it doesn't feel that way. And why not? Everyone knows ... Let's say: we are like a child, for example. But yes, of course, those are a lot of those parts ... sides of our personality, which still think, "Yes, but um, this can happen, or that can happen, or so happened, or so happened."

So we keep that old program going, because yes, it's better to be prepared to be rejected than to allow it ... Ugh, that's all uncomfortable, isn't it? Because if someone is going to take care of you now, you're already saying, "Oh no, I find that uncomfortable." Well, that's crazy, actually? Actually ... Because if you think about it, you think, "Yeah, it's actually kind of nice to just think about it too huh, for a while without those programs." Because yes, I would actually like it ... Well, if you think that, yes, there will be a change, in the sense of: then it has actually already changed ... Because if you think "I would actually like it," well, then it has already changed. Only, the body, that says: no, well, no, no, something like that. You know what I mean? Yeah, what happens now?"

A lot of grief comes up. I indicated to her that she could let that go.

She did that super and so I said. Then I asked "If I say now, you are totally awesome! What do you think?"

That didn't come in then. I asked her if she thought I was lying then. She indicated that many people think she is a caring loving woman then, but she herself did not feel that way.

Edwin: "No, but yes, you do understand that those people think that, right? Because if you take care of those people all the time, you do understand that they find you to be a loving wife, right?"

Then again, she understood that, only it all felt different to her.

When I took a moment to point out that people around her whom she cared for find her sweet as a result, she indicated that she was not always so sweet at home.

Edwin: "At home, the whip goes on."

Well not always, either. Sometimes she was difficult at home. Then I asked her what stopped her from being sweet at home. Again, that was the fear of being rejected.

So then I asked her, "Imagine this. I'm in a relationship with a woman and either I scold her completely or I'm very nice to her. Which situation would she be more likely to want to stay in?"

That was natural if I were sweet.

Then I gave the following suggestion:

"So, if you're afraid of being abandoned, it's much more convenient to put your quality of caring into action. Because then they are likely to stay. Because the people who are afraid of rejection, they go ahead and just curse, so to speak, metaphorically speaking. Who say, "Don't come close. No, I mean, actually they say, "Oh, just give me a hug in advance. But, dear, what do you think? That we're psychics or something? You think we're Jomanda, don't you? .... We're not psychics. We don't know ...So yes, we are assuming behavior for a moment. Imagine this: you come to someone's house and you want to be nice to them or take care of them, and someone says, "Apple pie?" you: "I hate apple pie! Get lost! Yeah, then I think, 'Well, um, I'm not coming back.' If you have to do it that way, but yes, that's how it works and logical, but you got it.... So why don't we do it ourselves? That's difficult.

Go ahead and practice. Just say to yourself, "Hey, my love," and then think, "Oh, my god! If you even think about that, you'll puke. Thank you. In the beginning, it's super hard to say in the mirror, 'Oh, I love you.' That's kind of a thing, well, then you run away.... But yeah, at some point you're there ... Yeah, and that's super, super difficult. But yeah, what do you want? So, yeah, you don't have to, but it's a good thing to do, right? So, yeah, somebody has to do it. And at some point you just think, 'Yeah, I feel that.' Fine, but it's helpful to start with: "What do I want? To express that, right? Very simply. And that's difficult. And it's usually helpful with people you've known for a long time, and who just appreciate you. Who you're actually sure of, 'Yes, they think I'm great. They won't just turn me down.' You know that. But your whole body says, 'Don't do it, don't say it, don't say it, because then they'll really go away.' They won't. But that's panic, isn't it? Panic, alarm stage 1. So, if someone in your home, if you have a partner - I don't know, who - someone you know well or a friend, girlfriend..."

Then she mentioned that she had had the same partner for 45 years. Surely that says something about that person. Then you can say "Love me and hug me," and he might be startled at first. But with him you can practice, practice hugging.

You can also practice expressing love first.

Letting go of bad feelings

The second way I gave the following suggestion:

“I want you to close your eyes and go back to the time when you were a six-year-old girl . Your mother is paralyzed, your father is turning to alcohol... And somewhere along the way, you make the decision: ‘Okay, I have to take care of people… I have to take care of my mother. Or I have to… take care of this family, because, well, my father isn’t doing it, and my mother can’t. I have to do it.’ So, somewhere around then you made that decision, and you’re going back to the moment of that decision. It doesn’t matter whether you see it clearly or not—that’s not the point.”

It just comes up here ... and you see that 6-year-old girl and you say to that girl, "It's totally okay. You did well. You did great."... And you show her all the moments when you felt good in this life... That you had an adolescence and this ... and whatever comes to mind ... Just that you felt good that you were with people that appreciate you ... That's liking being there ... Showing you all those moments.

And you show it just until she understands ... But also that she understands, the decision you make now at 6 years is not fixed ... You may always decide something else again. But when you are ready, you just decide something else. And that time is over, you also just show that it's already over. Yes, that ... it's over, finished, concluded ...

You don't have to take care of those people anymore. You've had to do well. You did a great job ...For what you could do there, you did ... Yes, that's top, super ... You all show moments until she understands and when she understands, the smiles start too....

(Astrid begins to smile)

Oh yes, let him smile. And as she smiles now, you say to her, "I forgive you, say. "I forgive you." So, and she is now free, happy and joyful, 6 years with a 6-year-old child....

There stands a six-year-old girl, completely liberated, completely ... perfect ... Totally perfect ... Because she knows, this decision that I'm making right now, "Okay, it's necessary now, but I'm going to let that go, I'm going to let that go later in life." ...Ah, that feels so good. It's just a moment and it's okay and you hug that 6-year-old girl and she melts into you. And so grows up... So becomes 7, 8, 9 and all those situations change, 10, 11, 12, 13, everything changes, everything changes, 14, 15, whole puberty, 20, 25, wow, ... or 35, 40, now all the way to now, all the way to now ... exactly, all the way to now ... And then you feel the contact with the chair where you sit here and then you feel your body and how does your body feel now?"

The body felt calmer, except for one spot.

Then I gave the suggestion:

"That calmness begins to spread throughout your whole body and it also teaches that one place ... that one place where it is not yet calm ... to become increasingly calm. ... Because the rest of your body feels calmer, so it teaches it to that other spot ... Let go. Go, whatever emotion is still there, let it go ... It's all right, because you're allowed to be calm, you're allowed to be calm. ...Look around you, what you all have. Nice people, nice people ... Find you a loving woman and think, "I am that loving woman. Oh wow, I am that person. Wow." Okay, as it comes in like that now, you think, "Yeah, that takes some ... getting used to. Kind of weird, but nice. Actually kind of ... Woo-hoo!" And those ... cells start to tingle all over. It's like you're celebrating inside. Then you think, "Oh, oh, what's happening here? Yes, what's happening here?" A good feeling, a feeling that you may be there ... Of course you may be there, otherwise you would not be there. Actually it is very simple, of course. But yes ... just do, everything ... And you are doing it now and feeling calmer and calmer, because how does it feel now?"

Quieter. I asked if that was allowed. Yes, it was allowed by Astrid herself.

I asked who the most important person in your life is and that she could say it was herself. Because yes, who else? No one. We came alone and we are leaving alone.

A lot of people do find it difficult to consider themselves the most important person.

I repeated that question until she could confidently say "I do."

Then a big smile appeared on her face.

Then I moved on to a more post-hypnotic suggestion, or outlining a vision of the future.

"And you know what the great thing is? ... At some point you just start expressing what you really want. "Yeah, but that's going to happen." Yeah, now you have to get used to it, huh.... Ugh, yes, because something that hasn't been done for a very long time ...well, you have to get used to it ... Something new, that you think, "How? Me myself? Oh my god. Oh ... Is that allowed? Am I even allowed to say that?" ... Yes, why not? Yes, why not ... But how does your body feel now?"

Astrid's body felt good and that one spot was getting calmer, too.

The magic mirror

Next, I did the magic mirror exercise with her. This is a technique that helps people with self-confidence and other good feelings.

"Now I want you to imagine that you see a mirror. "Oh my God, yes, a mirror, a magic mirror." And you see there a person of value, a valuable person, a person who is beautiful both inside and out. And you look at that person and suddenly you realize, that's me: "I am a valuable person. I am beautiful, both inside and out. I am allowed to be there. I am worthy. I am good enough." And you look at that person and you see a person there full of confidence, full of self-worth. "Wow, what a beautiful person." And suddenly you realize (in a panic?), "I am that person. Wow. Okay." Hm... Mirrors. Watch this... and each time I count from 1 to 5: at 5 you open your eyes, bright and fresh, confident, simple, wonderful, free, happy and joyful.

And you think, "This works, this works through." Because, of course, it's a little weird... oh, but delicious. And this works through, this works through, this works through.

One, feel contact with the chair. Two, Experience the vibrant energy in your body. Three, Every time you breathe in, you simply feel a refreshing sensation. Four, lungs are clean, throat is clean, mind is clear and five. Eyes open. Clear and fresh, simply fantastic!"

Astrid sat there again bright happy with a big smile.

I asked how she felt and she indicated that she felt lighter. I was also happy that I could help her with this and that she is here (still is, by the way).

Watch the entire session here.

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