Death anxiety disorder
A while ago I helped Monique who suffered from a death anxiety disorder. She had come into crisis services for this a few years ago and she was also on antidepressants, but now she found herself back in a moment of agitation, panic attacks and unable to function properly.
This session was relatively long, so you’ll see many techniques covered in this blog post. Hypnotherapy is used, among other things, with people who have terminal illnesses, such as cancer, to reduce the fear of death[1].
So at that moment, Monique was completely overcome by fear—otherwise she was healthy—while she was having the live session with me. Yet the fear of death still lingered within her. The fear that death would never end and that it would last forever. And the uncertainty about what might lie beyond.
Giving insight into where anxiety comes from
Many fears are resolved by providing insight into certain issues, because why fear death if you don't know what happens next? Giving information about an ailment, or something that people are afraid of, often already helps reduce anxiety[2].
I gave her a suggestion that there are many things you don’t know, and that doesn’t really matter. It just depends on how you think about what you don’t know.
About this, I gave her the following suggestion:
"Well, look ... I mean, the universe is very big. Well ... did you know that ... Pluto? You know that one? Yes, that's not a planet anymore, is it? Did you know that? Was that a problem? No, it doesn't matter... Yes, they decided that. I still had to learn that it was a planet and somebody decided that. Without sending me a memo of, "Hey, pay attention. By chance I read it... So there's a lot you don't know, really extremely much ... Can you speak Chinese? No. Do you care? Does it make your life more complicated? No, well, in other words, there's so much you don't know and so it doesn't matter because you don't know ...
See, now if I say to you, "Chinese? Yeah, you can't. Yes, and there comes a time then.... then you have to be able to do that or... Yeah, then you'll be judged for it or.... There's going to be an invasion and anyone who doesn't speak Chinese, well, they.... will be imprisoned or something?' Then you think, 'Well, now bang, so I didn't know that.' I didn't know that and all of a sudden.... comes fear of that? ... Yeah, that one does fascinate....
So you're not necessarily afraid. You're not afraid of ... not knowing, you can't, because then you don't know ... Suppose .... you drop dead now... boom, you don't know anything about ..."
So that, the eternal black, is something she knows, not something she doesn't.
Then she started talking about a childhood fear. That as a child she was also afraid of dying and even told her mother to call the police because she didn't want to die.
This is because people imagine things—like the idea of eternal darkness. Of course, that doesn’t make you happy, and you don’t know if your idea is correct.
On the contrary, I always imagine it's totally awesome. We don't know, so it's possible. As a result, I'm also not afraid anymore. I don't have to go there, because I don't know for sure. But I do imagine it that way and because of that I can live now.
Monique indicated that she had also looked into it, but still that feeling of perpetual blackness came back.
When I started talking a little later about how we all eventually die, but that there might very well be people waiting for us, that served as a comfort to her. So I told her she could simply imagine that—that her grandmother would be waiting for her and asking how it went.
She tries, but still that fear then grabs her throat.
Symbols and ridicule
A technique we often use for fears that are difficult to talk about are the use of symbols. Then you can help people visualize it and then transform the fear. Just by changing the fear from an idea, something you can't grasp, to something symbolic that you can grasp, you can work on it.
This didn't go completely great with Monique, but then again, you can always do something to make the fear the symbol just ridiculous.
Then I asked her "Imagine you make a show of it, who grabs your throat? In a manner of speaking?"
That fear is then a black image. That repeats all the time, "never again, never again."
Then I said, that would also be nice if that never happened again.
Indeed 😊.
Because imagine it would be a different color and who would say something different, or in a different tone.
I said "never again" in a squeaky voice.
Then I gave her the suggestion:
"You can also repeat it in your head in your sexiest voice (with sultry voice) 'Oh, never again.' Yeah, that might be a little separate.... And also people, huh, who ... Who are going to die through the act. For example, I read a piece the other day, that someone who went cheating.... and he died... No, that matters at home. Well, then you're glad you don't have to go through that, right? If you don't know anything, or you do go through it that you sit and watch from the outside and you think, 'Oh my God, yes, maybe I should have done that differently after all.' But yes, that happened then. You have situations like that, too."
She did indeed find this amusing, and then she began to tell me that she had gotten her grandmother's death. Who was grabbing at the hand of the person sitting with her all the time. She saw this as a signal of fear, while her sister had interpreted it as that the woman liked having someone there during the dying. That it was more about closeness.
Confronting fear
Again, giving the right information played a role in reducing anxiety. In addition, even with fear of death, confronting your fear can be helpful.
That fear of death at the moment of dying, few people actually suffer from that. About this, I gave the following suggestion:
"You should walk into one of those hospices, for example. That's nice, isn't it, when you're scared to death of yourself ... And how peaceful those people are lying there ... they just accepted it. Look, in the beginning maybe they were just as scared as you are. That could be ... maybe not, right? Of course you don't know ... But then at some point they lay there ... I've often experienced it, haven't I, people dying ... and then a week in advance or so, or two weeks in advance ... I've also accompanied some, you know ... well, with conversations and things like that. Everybody is relaxed ... You have very different expectations, fear is gone, because it doesn't make sense anymore. Because you let go of everything, because you accept it and then suddenly it's a kind of surrender and it's fine. Really, 99 times out of 100 it is."
What does fear get you?
If the issue can’t be easily resolved by making fun of it and providing the right information, you might also ask yourself what you gain from the fear.
For her, surely it was more about that "Never again" feeling that grabbed her by the throat, but never again what?
That fear may have a positive intention, but what does it get you?
Then she indicated that when that fear is there, then she's just completely numb for a while. Then she is paralyzed and then she lies down in bed, does nothing and closes her eyes.
Only despite then taking a break, the feeling did not go away.
So I said, then it's kind of like dying. So you've actually practiced fearful dying enough now. Then I'm going to see if there are more ways to die. I continued with the next suggestion:
"You also have these funny videos about this. Well, you see one of those cartoon puppets that goes all kinds of ways dying with a cute children's song underneath. Horrible ways, but that all goes and that's fun to watch too with a funny song like that underneath... well, all stuff. But you're already practicing ... you know, you might say - and this is not advice - but imagine, you're dead, then that fear is on its way ... you would almost say: it's a rescue, so what are you afraid of? So that's crazy, too. Oh, so afraid of the "never again" ... Yes, but then when you are dead, yes, that fear is gone, so you are afraid before that fear goes away, huh. Wait a minute... Then why do you do that?"
Yes, she agreed, but still.
Going along with the client's story
So she didn’t really buy into my story, and that’s when it’s helpful to actually go along with your client’s story.
What she found more comforting was that if you die then your loved ones will be there. She heard that from people who had a near-death experience and it did make her feel good.
Edwin: "Yeah, you'll take that, won't you?"
Monique: "Yes, but then again I read a scientific article that this is produced by your brain."
Then I asked if those people from the scientific article had then had a near-death experience themselves; they had not.
Edwin: "So then they talk poop, as my son would say. They don't know anything about it. Bla blabla I think then."
But at least she gave me the clue that she actually likes that there is more to her than eternal blackness. Fortunately, I did have something to say about life after death and continued with the next suggestion:
"Pim van Lommel ... 'Endless Consciousness'. Do you know the books? You just have to read those 10 times. You have to convince yourself from 'instead of never again,' to 'always more.' Ho, ho, ho, nice man! Yeah, because the thing is, all those people... they have these near-death experiences. Because right away you read on, someone like that, and ... they rise from the operating table and then come back and say, 'There's a light a shoe is in the gutter' or 'Such teeth are there,' but they had taken that with them. Because I can tell you this way, 'Yeah, that can't be right?' Yeah, and then, 'Oh yeah, that's because of the brain.' So my brain suddenly figures out that my teeth are taken away? Well, that can't be ... so that's already failing. See, our consciousness is really endless, of course. Yeah, we don't want to know that. It's kind of encapsulated in, but also around our body ... And when the body is gone, yes, it just doesn't disappear yet. Well, yes, if you read that book: your body can be gone and yet you see your teeth going."
So very crazy, but before I started Hypnosis Institute Netherlands I had a hobby of helping dead people, or their spirits, to go to the light. About this I gave the following suggestion:
"So I used to have a hobby: taking spirits away from people. That was my thing. I also saw them, lol.... So... when I was about 26 years old ... that hasn't happened here for two years now. Mostly in Amsterdam-East, West... all those old houses. Well, that was because grandpa was still there, or a baker... Who would turn on the TV or whatever, and then I would bring them to the light. 'Hey, man, this has to go to the light.' They were often afraid of the light. 'Oh no, I don't like this.' But me and my guide then helped. Those spirits would go to the light, and then I would do that.... One time I was in a church, doing construction, and then I did the foundations. I was there, closed my eyes, and so I went into my trance. I sort of stepped out and saw another world. Suddenly I saw all these people coming into that church. They came up to me: 'Are you Jesus? Are you Jesus? I said, "No, but there's the man who will bring you to the light. Then I thought: all those people sitting there, waiting for God. They have become afraid of the light, afraid of dying, thinking, "Where am I going to go?" They thought they should go to church and wait there. Because they did. It's a part of that consciousness that waits a little while longer. But if you just go to that light, it's fine. So I've seen that so many times."
Then she wondered very matter-of-factly, how is that possible? Yes, I don't know that either. I only know what I see and experience and what it helps and what impact it has.
Yes, it could also be the cable causing the TV to be weird, but for me, the story is the way it is as I experienced it.
Other people, on the contrary, have the story that it's a coincidence. I don't care about that at all, but ask yourself: Does this story work for me?
A book like this does provide insights, and I think it's even more complex, but to me it sounds very logical. If you look at physics, for example, there is a law that states that energy and information is never lost. We do change form, the body goes away. But the consciousness and intelligence goes away.
On this I continued:
"I talk to my grandfather, who has been dead for a long time ... I also just feel that he is getting further and further away In terms of growing, so to speak. He may not go in years, but yes, time is different there than here. Yes, I have felt that since I was 8 years old. For me, that's just 1 and 1 is 2."
She already liked this as opposed to the idea of "never again," now it's more "always," but in a different form, separate from duality. To this I continued with the following suggestion:
"It's always and then you think, 'Hey, wow, okay, this is it. This is what I cared about.' And even then, it's no big deal that you care, because everything is fine there. Just, everything is fine. It doesn't matter anymore. 'Ah, my shoe is in the gutter.' It doesn't matter. What cares anymore? And your loved ones are there, of course, you know. Everything is there in a form ... you feel that. You are everything, then suddenly. You know everything, you feel everything ... And at some point, yes, that gets boring too. 'I'm going to enter a body again, because this also gets boring.' Well, then you come back and you think, 'Goddamn, that was it...' Oh yeah, that's how it was. I had forgotten.".
Checking if the fear of death is gone
I asked her how the anxiety felt now. Now it wasn't really the fear of death anymore, but more the fear of the intense anxiety she felt two years earlier. Now the feeling at the throat came more because of the trajectory she had previously had because of this fear, but so no longer because of the fear of death.
Somewhere, then, we were ready for the request for help, but of course this is not the complete solution. Because she still had the unpleasant feeling.
Still, the fear came up again for that crisis service. And that she would stop looking after her children. She began to worry about that anyway.
Then I indicated that you shouldn't completely destroy yourself either. Because just that fear of death is enough. So then you still come back to the question of what it gives you, security, safety?
She agreed with that assurance. That she didn't have to be afraid of unexpected bad things. About that security and that being anxious in bed then gives you some benefit, I gave the following suggestion:
"Look, what would you rather have: the security that everything will stay like this, or the uncertainty and then just live in freedom and see what happens? Yes, that's exciting too, because you can lose everything: your children, your husband, your parents. It can happen not only once, it can happen more often. You're not going to stop that by staying in your bed... Then you can hope like, 'As long as I stay in my bed, at least they'll come and support me all the time.'... As long as they're here, they can get hit by a bus.... Yes, but even then... It can happen, anything can happen. The chances of it happening all at once are not great. But the chance of everyone living to 85 is there."
Then she mentioned that just a few weeks ago she was completely happy, a real bon vivant, and all of a sudden that anxiety was back in her body anyway and then she would get in her head that she was missing a substance and then the medication would help with that, but so that didn't help.
This was a good comment, because at least she could picture that normal happy feeling. So I was able to continue on the medication.
"It's like any other kind of drug. It's not a solution structurally, but it can get you through that difficult period for a while, you know. If you're really, really stuffy, it's kind of nice to get through it with some medication for a while. That's not for everyone who needs it, but it can also be, and that's also the nasty thing about paroxetine, that when you start tapering off, one of the side effects is panic attacks."
She didn't suffer from that, but she did suffer from stress and very much planning ahead. What she has to do tomorrow and next week, so she was not living well in the moment.
I asked what was important to her about that, what it gave her.
Then at least she didn't feel tired, but taking rest wasn't a problem either.
So then I asked if something had happened that triggered this feeling. She thought the agitation and panic attacks because she had ignored her body and then her body rebelled with the agitation.
Stop fighting anxiety
Then I asked what she felt when she scanned her body like this.
She was tired.
Somehow that makes a lot of sense when you're struggling all the time.
I asked what she was fighting against, which was fear after all.
Then I said "let it go."
She found that difficult anyway.
So I encouraged her to stop fighting with the following suggestion:
"Stop fighting, you won't get me on the side. I'm not scared, man. Squeeze me all over, just do it. Good luck getting me to really go all the way. Because right now. just going all the way through it. It only takes 90 seconds, but those 90 are really long seconds ... Just let me squeeze all the way through. That power, at some point, yes, that grip, I can't. I can't maintain that, nobody maintains that. Nothing. So do that full on. But I do say, 'Yeah, I do, I do. Good luck, buddy.'... And at some point, when you feel you're going to lose it, yeah, you just let it go. You just let it go, you just go all the way through... Yeah, get me, because if you want it that bad, fine. And then suddenly it disappears, and then you stop fighting ... Just stop, and then grab me. I'm lying here and if you want that, go ahead. And then, at some point, that grip starts losing and disappearing."
Monique: "So I just have to get through this fear?
"Yes, just accepting for a moment. Just live it all the way through so and then think ...Okay fine."
I asked how it felt now.
It was still there, but quieter.
"Yes, you did, by doing nothing. Well, just focusing for a moment."
Monique: "Yes, now it comes again"
Edwin: "Yes fine, and then you say 'come on, get me' again and it passes. Then you give it the attention it deserves. Maybe something comes up, like a memory. Maybe something else comes up that you don't expect. That might be it, a signal of something you need to give attention to. No idea, because as long as we're fighting that signal, yeah, then we don't know what it means either."
What happens next?
Monique: "Yes, now it's more that I wonder, when will this go away and I can just enjoy myself again?"
Edwin: "Yes, but that's struggle. If you want to be in the moment, it's also good to be in the moment right now with that feeling and then it's just the moment. What's happening right now?"
Monique: "Yes, it remains unsettled."
Edwin: "But the funny thing is, even if it grabs you, you're still there. So it doesn't have that much power now. Then you say "yeah, okay, do it."
Dealing with signals from your body
I went on to suggest:
"So you can think of different ways from now on:
- What does the signal want to tell me? It's spiritual.
- Mentally, what am I thinking about this? Can I think a little differently about this? Then feed yourself with information you want to believe.
- Emotionally, is there any emotionally unprocessed trauma? Something you experienced when you were little?
- Physically, is there perhaps something physical that gives that hunted feeling?
Four things to always explore.
The Inner Child
I wanted to do another exercise with her, because I will already that she was working on overcoming her fear. So I said the following to her.
“The last thing I’d like you to do is close your eyes for a moment and look for the little girl who was afraid. Maybe around age 7, or even younger. Perhaps a specific moment will come to mind. Can you see her?”
Monique: "Yes, it's my birth. I had that umbilical cord around my neck."
Edwin: "Yeah, now pull it off. That's where you almost died. That's that imprint that you think you won't get another one of those around your neck. That baby doesn't know that, but now that you're like that you can say. Look, we're 35 now; we have kids. Seriously? So you're not dead? No, you were born... The umbilical cord has been removed. Everything is free. You can just breathe and you look at the little baby... Ah, lovely. Well, that pink color, just nice that baby color and ha, that freedom...But there's the baby... So, you see her breathing wonderfully freely. Oh, so happy and joyful, huh. Huh, that was exciting to come into this world for a while, but we're here, alive-and-kicking and probably screaming too...Ah, just clearing that throat for a moment...Wow, I can just let it go....
Oh, you hear screaming and you think, "Ah. You look at yourself like this and realize, 'There I am, I'm free. I can just scream.' Ah, it's all gone, nice... And you say to yourself now, 'I forgive you, it's okay. I forgive you.' And you free yourself... Good. Embrace yourself and you hug yourself... Pick yourself up.
Ah, that little girl, ha, that smile, so happy, so free, so joyful. She's all like, "Yes, I can breathe! And she maybe gives another little shriek, 'Yoo-hoo!' Maybe not like that, but in that vein... And you look at her and you see her completely as an endless consciousness... Ah, how wonderful children are, they are still completely in that endless consciousness. Ha, wonderful. Perfect. And that fear is gone, wonderful, it's completely gone... Everything is gone... Ah, you hug her again and she melts in your heart.
The little girl melts into you, into your heart, into your body. And she grows up: 2, 3 years, she feels free, happy, joyful; 4, 5, 6, 7, and so on.... At 7 she knows, it's gone, because the throat is gone, the neck is gone... It's all gone. Ah, free, happy, breathing, peace, space, love. 8, 9, 10, all through adolescence, 20, 25, all the way to now, nice in your bed... Ah, the pain, ah, it goes away by itself. And then you open your eyes, quietly, in your way, at your pace. And you can open them whenever you want."
It remained silent for a minute or so while she was busy then she opened her eyes.
"Welcome back. How are you feeling?"
She felt calmer.
"Well, nice right?"
Yes. The feeling was sinking into her body more now.
I complimented her for doing this well. On Instagram, people were also sending lots of love and hearts to her at this time. The love service had rung out 😊.
Watch the entire session here:
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