Highly sensitive: what to do?

What if you are highly sensitive and you feel other people? You feel how your husband feels. You feel how your children feel, and if that's not going well, then you don't feel well either.

A woman who was highly sensitive and was having this problem, she sent me an audio, and it even made her vomit. So she feels very involved, and I would even say she is intertwined with her family.

When her husband or son comes home and they have had a bad day, she feels it immediately.

To dampen that feeling, she started to numb herself.

But that, of course, is not convenient either.

If you are highly sensitive, there are two solutions and I will give one of them, as it fits her situation.

The model

There is a model I like to use to help people and therein lies the solution.

There are 3 points of interest in this model:

1. Me
2. Other
3. Meta (^3rd position, helicopter view)

When I'm in my first position, I feel fine. I know what my needs are. I know what I want. I know what I care about. Me,me,me. That's a good place to be.

The pitfall of this mindset is that you become focused solely on yourself. You don’t consider what the other person wants. You don’t take a bird’s-eye view and fail to see what’s happening in the process with the other person. If it goes too far, you may even develop narcissism. It then becomes selfish and egocentric.

Then it's just "me" and drown in yourself.

The Other

Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is also a good place to be. Because if I can put myself in the other person’s shoes and understand what they want and what drives them—if I understand them—then I can attune myself to them. Then I’ll want to meet them halfway. Especially in a relationship, whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a family relationship.

If I know what drives my child. What he values and likes and I can relate to that, we will have a better relationship.

I found this really challenging. I’m pretty focused on being number one. I really had to learn to put myself in someone else’s shoes. You do learn that when you have a wife and four kids. Learning this has been incredibly rewarding for me. I can recommend it to everyone—especially if you ’re very self-centered .

Then don't just go find something fun for your child, do something with it. For example, my child likes Leage of Legends (a game) and then I went with him to a game in Brussels. This was mind-blowing. I stepped into his world.

I used to take him into my world, to a soccer game, out to dinner.... All things I like to show him certain things of the world. That's fine, but do this the other way around for a change.

Maybe not when he's 4 or 5, or maybe. I started this when my kids were 11/12. Really try to go into the other person's world to be less in your IC and more connected.

This woman was doing just this too much. This one was totally absorbed in the other person. More people do this. For example, the other person always gets to choose what to eat. They forget themselves. Then when the other person falls away, they are completely lost.

They have lost track of who they are, what they want and what they care about.

Research also shows that people who are very concerned with others are more likely to suffer from stress, depression, and anxiety[1]. This is something I recognize from my own life as well.

Especially if you’re highly sensitive, it’s important to be able to regulate your emotions effectively. After all, the more negative states you experience due to all the signals you receive, the less confidence you have that you’re in control of your own emotions. This can indeed lead to fatigue and depressive symptoms[2].

The helicopter view

Third, you have the meta-position. The helicopter view. When you're in it, you see the process between you and the other person. Is it going well? Are we on the same page?

In companies, this view is also used to map processes and systems.

But then you must not be emotionally involved, because if you are, you often go to those other positions. In the meta you are not emotionally involved, but you can observe what is there. It's good or not good, but you don't get very emotional about it. You are zoomed out.

That's a good position, too. Sometimes you have to get out and see:

How I'm doing now, is this helpful?

I often do this position after the fact. When I notice that a conversation didn't go well, or something just went really well. Then I think about how I was sitting there afterwards. How did I react? How did the other person act?

Then I often find that I could have said things in a different way.

This has also helped me a lot and now I can do it during meetings. In 1-on-1 meetings, I still find it difficult.

There are people who are very good at it. They can make adjustments during a conversation. In meetings and training sessions I can do that, but not in a "normal" conversation with 1 other person.

In a group, I can switch to what I want and what the group wants.

The pitfall here is that you can develop a dissociative disorder. Then you’re no longer present in your body at all. This is often caused by trauma. Trauma to the “I,” often caused by another person. It’s so painful that you dissociate. You ’re no longer in your body, but only in the “helicopter view.”

People also say that they no longer feel anything, because when they focus on themselves or others, they feel that pain again—and they don’t want that.

The solution isn’t easy, because the key is to turn inward again and work through what you need to work through. That doesn’t have to take years; it can often be achieved with a powerful hypnosis session.

After all, the body needs to get rid of trauma. If you don't do anything with it, you won't get rid of it. It is important then that you restore the connection between body and mind.

Highly sensitive is being engaged with others

If you are highly sensitive, you are only concerned with the other person. Ask yourself what you want, what you care about or what you want to do. What are your hobbies? Make it important.

Mothers often worry and think about others, and when the children leave home, they may experience “empty nest syndrome.”

You can say "I am highly sensitive," but you can also say:

"I do a lot for others and I'm involved with others a lot, and it tires me out," he said.

That woman also got tired, and when you are involved with others a lot, this is also tiring. Then you are also very concerned about that.

If with yourself the need is "As long as the other person feels good, then I feel good too." that is a very separate situation. After all, why shouldn't everyone just take care of themselves? If I make sure I feel good and the other person makes sure he or she feels good, then we all feel good.

So if you sit with others a lot. Then pay more attention to your IC. What are your hobbies? And pay attention to that.

Maybe it's yoga and then you start doing that for 30 minutes every day."Mommy please don't bother" and do yoga.

From the I, you can help, understand and empathize with the other person, but not by completely putting yourself in the other person's shoes. That you are the other and that you empathize with the other.

One person suffering is more than enough.

That may sound fierce, because when you see your child suffering you want to help them. However, you don't do that by suffering with them. That doesn't help.

That's easy to say, though. I also have four children, when my child suffers I feel it too. But I know intellectually that this compassion is not going to help them. Understanding, however, can help. That you can say to your child "I understand. The situation is k*t too."

But it doesn't help to totally revel in that understanding and feeling of your child. Your child is already doing that, and it often doesn't lead to a solution either.

Truly helping the other person

So what can you do to help others? Well, by helping them help themselves. There are four areas you can focus on.

1. Mentally, does he need to think differently?
2. Emotionally, should he feel differently?
3. Physically, just train with that body.
4. Spiritually, does he have anything that makes sense?

One of those four isn’t going well, and finding meaning is perhaps the most important one. Because if it makes sense, the rest usually falls into place.

Then there’s the physical aspect—because if you’re not feeling well mentally or emotionally, try working out six days a week ; after three months , you’ll usually feel better.

If that includes eating more salad, than McDonalds, you'll feel even better.

Suppose you are physically fine, but you still have mental or emotional problems, there may be more to it, such as trauma.

So if your child has something, let him vent and see how you can help him. Also distance yourself with the helicopter view to come up with good ideas.

You can also practice this by setting up chairs and thinking back on how it went. You can then sit in any chair to take the "role" you need at that moment.

Then ask yourself "What can I do to improve?" and in doing so, put your own needs at the forefront a little more often. Especially if you are already too preoccupied with the other person.

Engage in self-care. Schedule things and express that you have a life of your own. Your partner often likes you more immediately then, too.

That high sensitivity then often becomes more of a talent than something you are burdened by.

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