Forgiveness: Getting forgiveness and forgiving someone
Sometimes something has been done to you and that is a moment that continues to hurt you. You wish you could forget about it, but you can't. So how can you move on without that pain? You can do that by forgiving that person. So forgiving someone is done primarily for yourself. Even if you have done something to someone and you feel very badly about it, it is important that the other person forgives you. Otherwise you remain a victim of the consequences[1]
What is forgiven?
Forgiveness is very similar to forgetting, but it is certainly not the same thing. Forgiveness is actually the opposite of revenge. When something is done to you, there are two very natural possible reactions. You either want to never see the person who wronged you again and avoid them as much as possible, or you want to do something in return to the person who wronged you. This must then be at least as painful as what was done to you.
The downside of revenge is that most people view what they do to another as less serious than the person it was done to. As a result, the revenge action is seen as something you do to him, and so the perpetrator may feel like a victim, with the exact same natural reaction of avoiding or taking revenge.
In the case of taking revenge, this is how you end up in a vicious cycle.
With forgiveness, you break that very vicious cycle. So this is especially useful to do with people you do keep coming into contact with, such as at work, in your relationship or with family.
Please note! When you forgive someone, it’s helpful if that person has also apologized, promised to change their behavior, and actually follows through on that promise. Otherwise, in the long run, you may suffer from the “doormat effect,” which is bad for your self-respect.
So in forgiveness, you're basically saying:
"I'm going to let go of the pain of what you did to me and move on with my life, provided you improve your life too."
This is a forgiveness for someone you keep in touch with.
You can also forgive people with whom you do not keep in touch because, for example, they are totally unwilling or unable to change their behavior. In that case, forgiveness:
"I'm going to put the pain of what that person did behind me, because he/she no longer plays a role in my life."
Forgiveness, then, is letting go of what someone has done to you and in doing so, also leaving the option of revenge. You are clearly choosing for yourself rather than a lasting negative influence of that relationship.
Forgiving someone
Forgiving yourself and someone else often gives you a sense of relief and a fresh start in life. Forgiving someone else can give you a deeper sense of fulfillment. At the very least, it gives you that feeling, and it can even deepen your connection with the person you’re forgiving[2].
When you forgive someone else you often do so primarily for yourself. You then often hate that person and are bitter about how things have gone. These negative emotions can ruin your whole mindset, making them ruin your whole life.
To get rid of these feelings, it is important to forgive the other person.
Hypnosis can help you forgive someone. After all, it is very easy to get stuck in the problem. Hypnosis helps you with forgiveness as the hypnosis expert guides you through this.
What often helps to forgive someone is to look at the situation from the other person's side. This can be very difficult and that is where hypnosis helps you. While you are under hypnosis you visualize the moment you want to forgive the other person for. First you visualize it from your own point of view. Then you literally put yourself in that person's shoes and replay the moment, but from that person's point of view. The hypnosis expert helps you with this process and to properly empathize with the other person. This is especially helpful if you just can't imagine now why that person did what they did.
This makes it easier to forgive the other person. You can also visualize this forgiveness moment well while under hypnosis.
Forgiving your ex
If a relationship has broken down for one reason or another, you can still remain spiteful and bitter for a long time because of what happened. As a result, even your confidence in the gender you fall for can reach an all-time low.
You’ll then find yourself in a completely negative mindset.
If you have children with your ex-partner and you’re struggling with feelings of hatred and bitterness, this can make parenting your children difficult. For example, you may experience (or cause) parental alienation, and in the long run, that’s not something that will make your children happier.
Research shows that when divorced people with small children forgive each other it makes co-parenting easier[3].
In addition, there is a correlation between depression and the inability to forgive your ex[4]. You start having all kinds of negative thoughts, and the resulting negative mood makes you depressed. So, being able to forgive your ex is also important—even if you don’t have children together—for your own well-being.
What you ultimately do when forgiving your ex is to choose your own health. Otherwise, you will still give your ex too much power over your life. A hypnosis expert can help you forgive in the same way as above.
In addition, hypnotic suggestions can help you choose better for yourself. For example, you can repeat these suggestions out loud while under hypnosis.
These may include:
"I live in the here and now."
"My previous relationships do not affect my current relationships."
"To move forward, I have to let go of the past."
"I control my life, not someone else."
These are just examples of hypnotic suggestions. Depending on your problems with your ex-partner, a hypnosis expert may give you other suggestions to make forgiving your ex easier.
Forgiving Cheating
There are different degrees of infidelity. Your partner may have had a one-night stand, been emotionally unfaithful, or had a long-term affair.
Research shows that men are more forgiving than women about all these types of cheating, and women are more likely to break off the relationship and avoid their (former) partner.
Revenge is especially an option for women if the man has had a long-term affair[5].
As a man, if your self-worth is determined by a competitive drive, there is a correlation between this and viewing infidelity as a sign that you are unattractive to your partner[6].
If you want to continue your relationship with your partner after an affair but are struggling with feelings of unattractiveness, a hypnotherapist can help you with that. Whether you can forgive someone—and whether you want to—depends on your beliefs about how the world works and how you function within it. With hypnosis, you can identify limiting beliefs and determine whether a belief is logical or illogical.
This is achieved, among other things, through regression. With regression, you go back to the moment that is preventing you, for example, from forgiving your partner. You go back to the moment when your subconscious decided that cheating is unforgivable.
Then you look at that moment from a different angle and with today's knowledge to check how logical it is that you find it unforgivable. If this shows that it is not logical at all, forgiveness comes more easily.
Does it just make sense? Then it's also easier to let go of the relationship itself.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving others is one thing, but sometimes it’s also very important to forgive yourself. For example, if you’ve been unfaithful and this has cost you your relationship, you may struggle with feelings of guilt and shame.
These are feelings that will eventually help you stop repeating wrong behaviors, but if you get stuck in them, it's not something to be cheerful about either.
When forgiving yourself, it is an important moment to say to yourself:
"I did that, it wasn't good, I'm not going to do it again, and I'm letting it go now. I forgive myself for doing that."
This is the time when you let go of negative emotions.
When it comes to forgiving yourself, hypnosis is also a great tool. After all, you may have unconscious beliefs that make you feel you are not worthy of your own forgiveness. A hypnosis expert then helps you figure out and stop those beliefs.
At the same time, the hypnosis expert helps you with self-compassion exercises to forgive yourself.
Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works and how you can use it to help yourself or others? Then come to a hypnosis workshop. Afterward, you’ll be able to put someone under hypnosis. You’ll also see how hypnosis can help people with problems, such as wanting to forgive someone but being unable to do so. Or sign up right away for one of our training courses to learn the techniques that will allow you to help people with hypnosis.
Also listen to this podcast on forgiveness:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/2597011-vergeven-moet-je-gewoon-nooit-doen?play=true
Sources:
[1] The psychology of forgiveness, ME McCullough, CV Witvliet - Handbook of positive psychology, 2002 page 446
[2] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF02354530
[3] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v38n01_02
[4] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10502556.2011.546233
[5] https://search.proquest.com/openview/dc0160c3bd0e86b782711e741ace9402/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=18750&diss=y
[6] https://www.utpjournals.press/doi/abs/10.3138/cjhs.2017-0023