Extremely shy: What can I do about it?
Blushing easily, speaking out awkwardly in public, preferring to be quiet rather than say anything, being shy is hard. If you are extremely shy, it can even become a real problem getting in your own way. There are several causes for being shy, such as social anxiety or problems with your self-confidence.
To make sure you don't suffer from your own shyness, in this article I will go over what shyness means, what can cause it and what you can do about it.
What is shyness?
Being shy is often seen as a trait, but actually being shy is not really a trait. Shyness is more than an emotion you can feel when you are in a social situation. For example, someone asks you for your opinion on a certain topic and you find it very difficult to tell them.
You may quickly think you are doing something wrong that makes you blush or even avoid the situation altogether.
A shy person often worries about what other people think of them. The fear of being laughed at, humiliated, criticized, or rejected makes social situations a challenge.
Still, as a shy person, you may feel the need to have social contacts just the same.
Another characteristic of being shy is that by not daring to talk much to other people you also try to solve problems in your mind. Because of this, people often do not pick up on the fact that you are irritated so they do not adjust their behavior and this in turn can result in anger.
Research also shows that people who are shy are also more likely to develop tantrums.
When are you too shy?
Being shy is not something that is a problem for everyone, but if you experience it as a problem yourself, this is a clear sign that you are too shy.
If your fears are preventing you from enjoying life and you don’t dare take steps toward happiness , that’s also a sign that you’re too shy.
If it compromises the basic necessities you need to live, such as having a home, adequate nutrition, clothing and social contacts, it is also a sign that you are too shy and it is time to do something about that shyness.
The origins of shyness
Being shy is something that can develop in early childhood or during adolescence. Long-term research that has followed people for 40 years shows that shyness in childhood cannot predict shyness and other mental disorders in adult life ( 1).
In general, people who were shy as children are no longer shy as adults.
However, if you only become shy during adolescence, that shyness can persist into adulthood. As an adult, increasing shyness also puts you at greater risk of developing social anxiety, anger, and substance abuse .
Of course, this does not necessarily occur to all people with shyness.
Because shyness can arise at different times in life, there are also various identifiable causes for shyness. For example, children who are abused at home, or whose parents are extremely critical or ridicule them, may become very shy outside the home out of fear of experiencing the same treatment they face at home.
Even factors during pregnancy can contribute to an increased likelihood of having a shy child, such as the amount of daylight during pregnancy and birth weight.
In later life, shyness can arise from a lack of social development. For example, it has been proven that young people who are addicted to their smartphones are more likely to suffer from shyness than people who rely on their smartphones less often ( 2).
Loneliness can also make shyness more of a problem. During adolescence, many people go off to college, a time when they often have to make new friends. If you find this difficult and become lonely as a result, it can contribute to you feeling even more shy.
What to do about being shy
Shyness, then, can have many different causes. Initially, it is important to identify the cause and then deal with it in a different way. In addition, some exercises to break through that boundary of your comfort zone are important to build self-confidence in social interaction.
Regression Therapy
If you have suffered from shyness for a very long time, regression therapy can help identify the cause. Much of our development takes place up until the age of 7, but we don't always have the clearest memories of that.
In the process, as an adult, you probably view the world very differently now than you did when you were a child. By removing the cause from your memory, you can look at it with the knowledge of today, allowing that event to have much less impact on your current life.
This can already be a solution, for example, if something happened once that triggered your shy feelings.
For regression therapy, a hypnotherapist helps you dig into subconscious memories under hypnosis.
Leave your phone out
The smartphone can be a problem for some people that stimulates shy feelings. Replacing your smartphone for a dumb-phone ensures that you at least really need to communicate with people. Apping and social media through the smartphone will no longer be there.
Moreover, people also like you more when you don't have your smartphone handy. So that's only better for the social contacts you do have then.
Self-Compassion
People who are shy are often very hard on themselves. That harshness was originally a defense mechanism to protect themselves from unpleasant situations, but it may have actually undermined your self-confidence .
Self-compassion helps you start by being less hard on yourself. Maybe you sometimes think you’re not good at something, or that other people might find it weird when you do something just for yourself—like watching a really bad movie all by yourself. In those moments, you can tell yourself that it doesn’t matter what other people think.
You can eventually extend this to social situations. So that you can dress the way you actually want, and say what you want without worrying too much about it. Then at least you can give an honest answer to an honest question.
Check your beliefs
Why do you care what people think of you? Is the answer you give logical. If someone else gave you that answer, what would you think of it?
By determining whether your beliefs make sense, you can also decide which beliefs can be given less importance.
Then you can replace those beliefs, such as through self-hypnosis. One exercise is to repeat hypnotic suggestions, which are, for example, beliefs that you do like to anchor strongly in your subconscious. In the case of shyness, these might be:
Not everyone has to think I'm nice, fun or smart.
Making mistakes is human.
I don't have to be perfect.
People are much less strict than I think.
My opinion counts.
I May Be Seen.
If these suggestions don't work for you, a hypnotherapist can help you use personal suggestions in a self-hypnosis session. You can then get those as an mp3 to take home.
Good preparation is half the battle
Are you invited to a party and already getting a little panicky about what to talk about? Then start thinking about what things going on in your life you can talk about, such as another party you've been to or a good movie or something you saw recently.
You can also have an I have to go strategy. This in itself is not always helpful, but with such a strategy you always have a sense of control that may allow you to handle the social situation longer than without such an exit strategy.
Ask questions and be interested
Take the focus off yourself and instead ask questions of others. Be genuinely interested in their interests, hobbies, work whatever.
Everyone has experienced something fun with 1 of these themes. You just need to find out what it is and listen to their story.
Give yourself a role
On the contrary, do you feel good about yourself when it comes to work? Can you give answers at work without difficulty and do what you need to do without even doubting yourself? This may have to do with your identity. Seeing yourself as your work makes it difficult to be open outside of work.
To deal with this differently, you can give yourself a role, or job, in social situations. Such as:
- Making other people feel like they are liked.
- Making other people feel that they are interesting.
- Making sure people feel welcome.
This allows you to know what you can do at the time ( 3).
Would you like to learn more about mental techniques to help yourself and others? Then join a free online masterclass or seminar, and/or check out the training programs offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.
Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:
Sources:
1. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10802-017-0265-x
2. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0894439314528779
3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201612/4-ways-overcome-shyness