Asking for help: not as bad as it seems

Asking for help is something few people do. After all, who is the best person to ask for help? Who will handle it most professionally? Who is not going to take advantage of you asking for help? After all, asking for help is a sign of weakness for many people, and most people don't want to show when they are weak. When you do really need help, these beliefs are very troublesome and they can block your request for help. In this blog I will show you the best way to ask for help and the benefits of doing so.

First, let's clear up a misconception. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is a sign of strength

Asking for help is precisely a sign of power gathering

Humans are social animals, which means we need each other to find solutions. Collaboration does not just happen; collaboration only happens when someone asks for help.

It just doesn’t always come across as asking for help. For example, when a job opening becomes available, it’s actually a request for help from that company; yet the company isn’t seen as weak when it has open positions. On the contrary, it apparently means the company is doing so well that it can use some extra help.

In the chapter “Asking for Help Is a Sign of Weakness” in the book *Therapy, Culture, and Spirituality*, there is a beautiful story about a son who wants to take over leadership of a clan. The father, the current leader, agrees to this on the condition that the son complete a task: moving a large rock. No matter how hard the son tries, he cannot do it. Anger also fails to give him the strength to move the stone. The father keeps saying, “You’re not using all your strength,” which causes the son to try even harder. Finally, the father says, “You’re not using all your strength—you’re not asking me for help,” and then they move the stone together[1].

Benefits of asking for help

There are several ways to ask for help. One approach that’s more widely accepted is asking for advice. Research on people who seek financial assistance also shows that when you actively ask for help, you actually use that help and derive greater financial benefit from it than when someone helps you without being asked[2].

So if you need financial help, even if you are a total klutz when it comes to finances, asking for help is definitely something that will help you move forward.

Asking for help: the differences

Men are less likely to ask for help than women, and this can be explained quite logically. At work, for example, men are seen as less competent when asking for help, whereas for women this has no impact[3].

This makes it difficult for men to explicitly ask for help, but implicitly you can, of course. For example, if you are too busy with unimportant matters at work, you can ask for a personal assistant, especially as an executive, and you can also offer people a benefit when they help you.

In addition, it’s important to examine your own beliefs as a man about asking for help and to change them if those beliefs are preventing you from asking for help.

Exploring those beliefs is something a hypnosis expert can help you with. This can be done, for example, with a Socratic conversation while under hypnosis. During this conversation, the why question is repeated several times to get to the core of your beliefs. With these answers, the hypnosis expert can help you further. For example, with hypnotic suggestions that prove the opposite of unhealthy beliefs.

Healthy beliefs about asking for help then include:

"Asking for help is a way to organize people to help you achieve your goals," he says.

"Asking for help says nothing about your masculinity."

"Asking for help is what smart people do."

"If someone can't help you, that says nothing about you."

"You can disguise asking for help in asking for advice or a nice extra job for your colleagues," says Dr. K. K., who is a member of the community.

These are just examples of hypnotic suggestions. Depending on your beliefs about asking for help, a hypnosis expert may give you other suggestions. These suggestions are often given to you on an mp3 to listen to at home during self-hypnosis. The mp3 often also contains a hypnosis induction and a moment when you are "woken up".

You don't have to do everything alone

Another belief that can stand in your way when you want to ask for help is the feeling that you always have to be able to do everything on your own. It seems as if everyone else has their life under control, and you want to “fit in with that group.” Meanwhile, that successful colleague of yours might actually have two parents who help him with household chores and family responsibilities so he can do his job successfully. In reality, it’s a luxury to have people there for you like that.

By changing the belief that asking for help is bad and something that only suits "sick" people to a belief that help is a luxury. Then it becomes a lot easier to ask for help[4].

Get help before you burn out

Another disadvantage of not asking for help is that you really have to do everything yourself and therefore have absolutely no time to take care of yourself. Me-time? Forget it without help. Especially if you work full time and have a family.

By asking for help in time—even if it’s just because you want an afternoon of “me-time”—you can prevent mental exhaustion and avoid burning out.

Asking for help and guilt

Then there’s also the feeling that asking for help creates a sense of debt toward the person helping you[5]. Especially if you can’t do much in return, this can lead you to simply avoid asking for help. That’s a real shame, because some people don’t expect anything in return.

So if you're asking for help when you can't do anything in return, it's best to indicate this in advance so that everyone you help is aware. By doing so, you reduce the guilt in advance and get help from someone who won't blame you if you can't do anything in return.

Especially if you can hardly imagine picking up the phone and asking someone for help, a guided visualization by a hypnosis expert can help you with this. Because your imagination is stimulated and you can imagine yourself asking someone for help, you are more likely to actually ask someone for help, even if you can't do anything in return.

A guided visualization can then go as follows:

"You need household help because you are sick. You find this annoying, but accept the situation as it is because with acceptance you can take steps to change your situation. This realization makes you calm and you make a list of people who can help you without having to do anything in return. You write down approximately what you want to say in keywords and breathe calmly. You relax your body and remind yourself that you don't have to do anything in return for help. You click to your contact to call and feel the touchscreen on your fingertips. You hear the phone ring and when it picks up you introduce yourself and ask how things are going. When you are asked the question back you start the story asking for help saying that you can't do anything in return at this time and who knows in the future, but that it is incredibly appreciated. You get an answer and regardless of the answer. Just asking for help gives you a sense of relief. This is something you can do and you keep doing until you get help. It feels good to take action to make yourself as strong as you can, even with a little help."

This is just an example of a guided visualization. Depending on the problem you need help with, a hypnosis expert may give you a different visualization. This includes missing the induction of hypnosis and the moment you are taken out of it.

Hypnosis can help you when something in you blocks you from actually asking for help before someone offers it. Hypnosis can also change beliefs that cause bad feelings when you ask for help so that it actually feels good to ask for help. In the end, it makes you better.

I’d be happy to teach you how hypnosis can help with this during a training course at the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands. You can even learn the basics during a hypnosis workshop.

[1] https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9781137370433_3

[2] https://www.rand.org/pubs/working_papers/WR714-1.html

[3] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1048984315000223

[4] https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2017/09/15/why-asking-for-help-is-a-strength-and-three-ways-to-do-so-effectively/

[5] https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786418?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents