Being in charge of your child again: 13 Tips

Your baby, your own mini-me, is a treasure. You do everything for the apple of your eye and this one knows exactly how to get it. At least in the house, and you may have a problem with that sometimes, but usually not. Unfortunately, your child does not always understand that outside the house he/she really has to do what you want and that a real tantrum will not help him/her. In addition, you can then worry about what other people think about this.

To make sure you can regain control of your child, at least in public, I wrote a nice blog for you.

Mastering Emotions

First and foremost, during a tantrum like this, it’s important to stay calm yourself. Children aren’t always able to put their emotions into words yet and are often overwhelmed by their emotions at such moments.

Sometimes a child may even want you to feel just as bad as they do, which is why they act so terribly. As a result, you may indeed experience a range of emotions, such as impatience, shame, frustration, and fear.

By knowing what your child is dealing with, you can already better shake off those emotions and stay calmer in the situation to actually help the child and thereby help yourself.

Tip 1: Literally distance yourself

Tell your child you need to leave for a moment to think and then actually walk a few feet away. This has the advantage of allowing you to come back to yourself and not rewarding your child for his/her annoying behavior.

This is always better than getting really angry with your child. That negative attention makes the child's emotions worse which also makes the tantrum worse.

Tip 2: Let your child know what emotions they are struggling with

Since your child isn’t yet able to clearly identify emotions , you can turn this into a learning opportunity. For example, you can say that you understand that he or she is angry, disappointed, or sad, and explain how that situation led to that emotion. But you can also explain that these kinds of things just happen in life and that he or she needs to learn to manage their emotions so they can lead a fulfilling adult life later on.

Knowing what he/she is feeling now can also help calm your child.

Tip 3: Distract your child from the situation

If it is possible to distract your child from the problem they are experiencing, this can help them get over it. In the end, life goes on and you cannot stay angry, sad or disappointed for too long.

Tip 4: Look for triggers

Does your child have frequent tantrums? If so, monitor him/her for a while to find out triggers of such a tantrum. You can keep a diary of sorts for this purpose. Who knows, maybe the trigger is the food he/she does not like, who knows, maybe it is a certain teacher who only works on Wednesdays that seemingly gets on his/her nerves.

If you know what triggers your child, you can help him/her respond differently to that trigger. You can even make it a fun exercise for your child by confronting him/her with that trigger and teaching him/her calming techniques to stay calm when something happens that makes your child upset.

Removing anxiety from your child

This confrontation with the trigger is also often used to alleviate anxiety through hypnosis. Children are often still highly receptive to hypnosis, which is why you can effectively help a child overcome anxiety using techniques from hypnosis and cognitive behavioral therapy.

Tip 5: Confront your child with the trigger

If he/she becomes agitated by a particular fear of an object, you can make a list with your child from what he/she finds scariest to least scary (or vice versa). Then your child can visualize the least scary and teach him/her that breathing calmly and connecting with your body can help suppress that fear response.

Tip 6: Help your child with hypnosis or see a hypnotherapist

Sometimes hypnosis can also help alleviate fear through a minimal form of regression therapy, such as when I help the girl in the video overcome her fear of spiders.

In the video, I first use a technique to put her into hypnosis and then I give a hypnotic suggestion to make the fear disappear. The final step of deliberately bringing her out of hypnosis and moving her arm again is also very important. Before doing this yourself it is best to take a workshop or course to help your child with hypnosis.

Giving child self-confidence

The world can be a scary place for children. Sometimes this can be a challenge for your child’s self-confidence. A class presentation that goes wrong can lead to fear of failure—or, conversely, inspire someone to always give the best presentation ever afterward.

Tip 7: Give your child confidence with hypnotic suggestions

Of course, to help your child with his/her self-confidence, you can often tell him/her that he/she is great, but you can also use hypnotic suggestions for this purpose. I do this myself with my own children.

In this video, I first induce hypnosis with a pasting technique after which I give him post-hypnotic suggestions and then take him out of hypnosis. You can go to a hypnotherapist for this or you can take a workshop or course in hypnotherapy yourself.

Educating child to stay in control himself

It’s often said that it takes a village to raise a child. Children are raised by many more people than just their parents. Especially when your child is still young, you remain an important source of influence, but once your child starts school, their friends, their friends’ parents, and their teachers also become an important part of their upbringing and a part of your child’s life.

If your child always wants something and you always give him his way because he is the boss, this can lead to problems in his/her later life. Many parents think their child's problem is also their own, whereas your child really needs to learn to solve his/her own problems.

Tip 8: Accept not a demand, but a question

The first important thing is for your child to learn to ask for what he needs instead of demanding what he needs. If he/she wants a pencil of a certain color at school the next day, he/she will get a lot further with questions than with demands. The teacher will also find your child a lot more polite.

Tip 9: Explain the new rules to your child

If your child wants to do certain activities only with Mom or only with Dad—such as the bedtime routine—you can take a moment with your child to explain the new rules. That Mom and Dad will now take turns with the bedtime routine. Or that Mom and Dad will now take turns taking the child to school.

Tip 10: Explain the concept flexibly

Sometimes things don't go your way, and as much as we like to plan everything in life, flexibility is just necessary. By explaining flexibility, you can use that term even when you can't meet your child's needs at the time. "I can't read to you now, you have to be flexible for a while and then I'll come later."

Tip 11: Let your child think for themselves about the possible answer

Of course you want to say yes to everything, but sometimes a no is also necessary. Otherwise, ask your child if he already knows the answer. Perhaps he/she knew the question was just over the line, but your child just wanted to test that. Allowing your child to say "no" himself will go a long way toward helping you.

Tip 12: Give your child options

Sometimes saying no is just not fun, instead give 2 alternatives for your child to choose from. Then he/she still retains a sense of control, but you remain in control.

Tip 13: Realize it's not about winning or losing

You don't lose to your child if you do say yes once. It's perfectly normal to want to give your child what they need. It's about finding a good balance in solving problems that your child can't solve themselves and solving problems that your child can solve themselves.

If you notice that your child actually does become more flexible and trots less often and asks more often you may compliment him/her on that.

Want to learn more about hypnosis and other mental techniques to help other people? Then come to a workshop or seminar. You can also check out the training courses on this website.

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/apologies-freud/201301/whos-in-charge-your-childs-emotional-upheavals-and-upsets

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/worry-wise/201603/how-take-charge-when-your-child-gets-bossy