A while back, I read another story of a woman who couldn't stop lying. Telling strong, lying, stories got her a lot of attention and she liked that. Unfortunately, there was also a downside, because even though the lie is so fast the truth finds out. Because those truths eventually came out she lost her job and good friends.
To make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else, in this blog I'll go over why people lie and what you can do to become honest again.
Why do people lie?
The story revealed that the woman lied because of the extra attention it gave her. So lying was a benefit to her, and during the time she got away with it, it also entertained the people she lied to.
Then there is also the lie for its own sake. This is a type of lie that is common because it is often a lie that is better for the person listening to it, but it can also be actually harmful to the person telling it.
The research that revealed this showed that women are less likely to lie when it is harmful to another person, but on the contrary, they are more likely than men to tell a lie for their own good(1). Now you should not think that men lie more often than women. In fact, other research shows that men and women lie equally often, but the content of the lies are different(2).
Research also shows that lies told as the truth can cause problems. In addition, there often has to be a reason to lie, lest your moral compass get upset(3).
The image you want can also make you more likely to tell a lie(4). As in the story, popularity was a reason to tell strong stories in which the truth was accentuated with lies.
It's good to realize that lying is a very human thing. Everyone lies from time to time, such as on their resume or on their tax return. If lying causes you to lose friends or even your job, it is still a bad thing and time to change things.
Symptom of something else
In addition to the reasons mentioned above for healthy people to lie, pathological lying can also be a symptom of mental illness.
Borderline and narcissism, for example, are conditions in which pathological lying can occur(5).
Lying is also a characteristic for psychopaths.
So lying can also indicate that you have a mental problem. If you lie pathologically, this may be a reason to get yourself examined for mental problems.
Also watch this video on lying and how to stop:
Pathological Lying
Pathological lying often happens as an automatic response to an event. It is something you have taught yourself to deal with certain situations, and as a result, it can be difficult to unlearn without help.
A good way to check if you are a compulsive liar, also known as a pathological liar, is to find out if it feels weird to tell the truth when lying is actually much easier for you.
For most people who pathologically lie, it is a habit formed in childhood with no evil ulterior motives(6). For psychopaths or sociopaths, for example, lying is actually a means to an end and may well have evil intentions, such as blackening someone(7).
Lying can also be done to improve self-esteem(8), by lying that person can become more like who they actually want to be and not who they are at the time.
Symptoms of a pathological liar
A pathological liar often suffers from the following symptoms:
- Totally implausible stories.
- Some lies can be harmful to the liar himself.
- A pathological liar often wants attention.
- If you call a pathological liar on it, they often admit they are lying.
Why do people tell the truth?
To stop lying, it's good to know why people often do tell the truth. Research shows that 1/3 of people who often tell the truth do so to avoid lying. They just don't get a comfortable feeling from lying and therefore tell the truth.
Another motivation for telling the truth is because it is expected of people and because they want to meet that expectation.
Then you also have a motivation that people tell the truth because they assume other people are also telling the truth.
A lie is not necessary to achieve goals.
Tips for becoming honest again
To become honest again and stop lying, it is important to find out why you lie and experiment with other behaviors that can also make you feel good.
Tip 1: Identify why you are lying
Lying can have multiple causes, such as achieving a goal or due to habit. By identifying why you lie, you can figure out which cause you need to address to stop the lying.
For example, if you are lying to gain more self-confidence, it is important to get the self-confidence in a different way. After all, getting caught in a lie negates the whole effect of lying.
Tip 2: What beliefs cause you to lie
If you know why you lie, such as for self-confidence or self-assurance, you can find out why you have beliefs that tell you that lying is the solution. In the example of the woman who lied, she thought otherwise she was not interesting enough to get attention.
Tip 3: Consider what else you can do to achieve goals
If you lie to be interesting you can also check for other ways to be interesting. If you never experience anything you can volunteer or sign up for a course to still have something to say.
Tip 4: Improve your self-confidence by doing something
If you lie because of your self-confidence, you can also increase your self-confidence in other ways. If you lie about achievements of your work you can also read and learn more about your field so that lying is no longer necessary.
Tip 5: Improve your self-confidence through meditation
Meditating can also be a great way to stop lying and become more confident that you can do it. Meditating reduces stress, which in turn can reduce the need to lie.
Tip 6: Change your beliefs with self-hypnosis
Beliefs you have that cause you to lie can be changed through hypnotherapy and self-hypnosis. A hypnotherapist can help you figure out the beliefs if you can't do it on your own.
This can be done with techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), such as engaging in Socratic conversations.
In addition, with regression, a hypnotherapist can help you find the event in your life that caused lying to become second nature to you. By looking at that event with more distance, it is possible to find a solution other than lying.
After this hypnosis session, a hypnotherapist can give you suggestions and homework in the form of self-hypnosis to enhance its effects.
These may include:
I'm interesting enough.
Lying is ultimately bad for me.
I'm smart.
I have a life where I experience things.
People accept me as I am.
Tip 7: Use mindfulness to counter negative thoughts
Because lying is often associated with poor self-esteem, it is important to boost your self-confidence in your mind as well. Usually we are more strict with ourselves in our thoughts than we are with friends. Therefore, it is important to keep an eye on your thoughts so that you can catch on faster if you are in a negative thought spiral.
Applying mindfulness allows you to enjoy the here and now more and stop negative thinking faster.
Tip 8: Keep a journal
Keeping a journal and including in it how you feel when you do and do not lie can give you more clarity about your problem. This can be incredibly relieving. In addition, you can use a diary to check whether steps to stop lying help.
Tip 9: See a doctor to make sure you are not suffering from a mental illness
If these tips do not help, even after a month, you can always see a doctor to make sure you are not suffering from another mental disorder for which you need more psychological help.
Want to learn more about mental techniques to live an honest and happy life? Then come to the free online master class on Hypnosis.
Or come to a workshop or seminar and check out the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands' training programs.
Pin this infographic as a reminder:
Sources:
- https://pubsonline.informs.org/doi/abs/10.1287/mnsc.1110.1449
- https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15324834BASP2402_8
- https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10683-012-9324-x
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/200310/understanding-compulsive-liars
- https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying.html
- https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying/types-of-liars.html
- https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0191886994902690
- https://addiction.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Pathological_Lying_Symptoms
julie
on 29 Apr 2020